I just took a moment to browse the never published entries of this blog... from 2011, 7 years ago! Omgoodness! It was eye-opening, humbling, enlightening, and compassion-growing! My interactions with my family, my devotion to my husband (still irresistibly strong as ever, btw!), and my explosive emotions after heated topics with said husband.... whew! It’s surreal to say it’s been a dozen years of my life with him ...but to actually relive & flashback to times that were strongly imprinted with intense emotions/thoughts that left lasting impressions on who I was to become is sobering. Then face who I am now... I venture to say that I am actually proud of who I’ve become after all this time. Not on my own or in my preferred methods or experiences, but the woman that I get to look at in the mirror and reflect upon after almost 35 years of existence is encouraging. I see a half bloomed flower bush with MANY more buds read to burst open and boldly bloom. I think the biggest reason that I can even comfortably make such statements is because my most constant & preferred method of viewing my life has been these things: the lense of Christ, His Scriptures, & the unwavering truths spoken through His people regardless of where in the world or whatever is in the path of the adventure of my life.
I’ve learned to only take stands with what is most important to Christ. To become an expert in Jesus and His voice. To filter everything -parenting, marriage, career, culture, character, preferences, mental state, emotions, friendship, family, relationships- through His Truth. To rest in Him. To wait actively when He says wait, meaning not apathetically, pitifully, mindlessly, or even with empty, “harmless” entertainment. To not just “count my days” to pass the time but to number them in such a way that produces something that brings Him glory & honor through my life.
I’ve also learned that feeling pain, loss, hurt, and all manor of the emotions that result because of sin (of others especially) MUST be allowed to be felt. ...and not for the juvenile understanding that one must learn compassion for the sake of others. No, sin is real and has real effects. To deny those effects only causes a blindness & unhealthy outcome likened to someone ignoring the loss of a limb.... death of some sort will result. Emotional, Spiritual, Mental... You actually have control over what to release to God and He only has the best in mind for us.
I’ve learned to speak up. This is saying a lot and my husband would be the first to admit this. Advocating ones self can actually be an act of obedience to Christ in some situtations. I’ve always tended towards the believe that “Silence at the right times can be a megaphone of statement & making a point” so that I don’t need to speak up. However, suffering as a result of “holding my tongue” has started to become quite the Teacher of when to actually speak up & what to say. This is still a strange sensation as I have always perceived myself like Moses -poor with words & not well spoken. To admit this weakness, then ask God to use me, only to find Him repeatatively placing me in situations in which I am the only one able to speak into a situation that MUST be spoken truth into or others will suffer.... I will still probably never see myself as a speaker, but I have aquired a confidence earned through testing & trials.
I have something to offer others! ...but only because I have put one-foot-in-front-of-the-other in obedience & duty to my LORD. I know His love goes deeper than I perceive. I know His forgiveness extends farther that I can reach. I know His peace penetrates more than that which can be seen or felt. I know His truth resounds in more dimensions than I can even experience. And because of all these knowns, I can have a hope that I can never be separated from!
I’ve learned that I am only thoughts away from being “wicked”, words away from being “foolish & rebellious”, and actions away from being “evil.” The test of that reality is ever present and easy to fail... along with a vicious foe who will capitalize the failures and turn the purpose of it (purification & sanctification) to something more easily swallowed but far deadlier (self-righteousness).
I can confidently say that I know the difference between real growth & wisdom versus the pseudo-twins of self-righteousness & self-abasement (false humility which is really pride). I know what the root of bitterness looks like and have a healthy fear of its growth into a tree. I know that hurt begets hurt but love breaks the cycle. I know that some give in to the wicked, sinful nature and that others embrace it wholeheartedly -but that neither are lost to Christ or His transformational character & essence. I have yet to see this last one directly, but I pray for it daily & completely believe that NOTHING is impossible with God! I also believe that He is a God of justice and that He will satisfy all injustices perfectly in His time and in a way that redeems all that want to & can be (when offered).
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Loving Well
Written May 2018:
This hard, hard time we’ve been having, as I have come to learn -is the perfect breeding ground for God to teach me some pretty big lessons about myself. It’s humbling and a bit discouraging. For all my years with Him as my Lord, I feel like I haven’t made much progress in my sanctification of becoming more like my beloved Lord and Savior. ...just been made more painfully aware of how pathetic I actually am. My pride has taken a new tactic in the last few years -introversion. I have become more foolish & petty, more guarded & jaded. I continued to be judgemental and proud. And as I titled this entry: quite the opposite of what I’ve been learning from Beth Moore’s “Loving Well” retreat booklet. I do live in fear -these days it’s mostly of rejection & misunderstanding. A fair amount of it could be credited to the failing & sins of my husband’s former company’s callousness in abandoning us here, but it’s not like God isn’t sort it out in His perfect timing & ways.... that’s never been called into question... just ungratefully accepted & filled with 4 months of emotional & mental turmoil.
This hard, hard time we’ve been having, as I have come to learn -is the perfect breeding ground for God to teach me some pretty big lessons about myself. It’s humbling and a bit discouraging. For all my years with Him as my Lord, I feel like I haven’t made much progress in my sanctification of becoming more like my beloved Lord and Savior. ...just been made more painfully aware of how pathetic I actually am. My pride has taken a new tactic in the last few years -introversion. I have become more foolish & petty, more guarded & jaded. I continued to be judgemental and proud. And as I titled this entry: quite the opposite of what I’ve been learning from Beth Moore’s “Loving Well” retreat booklet. I do live in fear -these days it’s mostly of rejection & misunderstanding. A fair amount of it could be credited to the failing & sins of my husband’s former company’s callousness in abandoning us here, but it’s not like God isn’t sort it out in His perfect timing & ways.... that’s never been called into question... just ungratefully accepted & filled with 4 months of emotional & mental turmoil.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Family Devotions 2017
Family Devotions hit me hard today. I'll just copy it below to make referencing easier:
Day 3 Devotion to God's Word
(this is the 3rd day in a row we've read Deut. 6:4-9)
Explain the truth of Deut. 6:6-9:
Since we love God by keeping His commands, we need to know what God has commanded. So if you love God, you will also love God's word, because it shows you how to love God. God's word must be in your heart, which means it should be at the center of your thoughts & desires (6:6). God's word is so important that it is the most important thing for your parents to teach you (6:7a). Teaching children to love God is like chiseling God's word on granite.
(This part silently crushed me because I had a total mom-tantrum/breakdown the day before that resulted in me sobbing in my hotel bathroom, then sitting in the outside hall questioning my very resolve to keep homeschooling, followed by apathetically going through the motions of continuing family devotions at the tearful, repentant pleading of my strong-willed firstborn whose grumbling, whining, & disrespect was the catalyst for said mom-tantrum.) It is tiring work, and your parents must be consistent and patient. (yeah epically failing that last part!)But their hard work is worth it if (and this is the part that hit me like a TON OF BRICKS that I'll elaborate on why later) God's word becomes permanently imprinted on your heart, so that you love God and find life in Him. Then, like your parents, you will speak God's word all the time (Yeah... about that) and in every aspect of life (6:7b). This is because your words show what is in your heart (Matt. 12:34). If you love God, you will strive to make God's word the thing that controls your actions (hands), thoughts (foreheads), homes (doorposts), and community (gates) (6:8-9).
Ask
1. Why does Moses talk about God's word right after the command to love God? Because God's word helps our hearts love God and shows us how to love God.
2. Where should we keep God's word? In our hearts. That means we understand God's word, love God's word, and obey God's word.
3. What is your parents' most important job? To teach God's word to their children very diligently.
4. Since words show what is in your heart, what should your speech be like? We should be talking about God's word all the time, everywhere, in all sorts of activities.
Discuss
1. What are some ways your parents teach you God's word? How can you encourage them as they do this?
2. Do God's words come out of you? Make a list of ordinary activities where you can speak God's word.
The last 2 sections (Ask & Discuss) really got me thinking about how my own parents instilled the Word of God into my heart. I didn't start AWANAs until I was in 6th Grade -almost a teenager! But I already had a firm grip on the books of the Bible, many key memory verses, basic Christian principles were already deeply planted in my heart & mind... and yet the only memories I can muster of actually actively learning those things are a book/tape series of the Fruit of the Spirit; going to Sunday School every single Sunday of my life (& nothing really stuck out as particularly memorable), and family reading/devotions time...
In so many ways, "my" faith was secured long before I even had time to question it... and when I finally did, my foundation was so rock-solid & irrefutably backed by all my (short) life experience (17 years), I've only been strengthened in The Faith of Jesus Christ.
I think that if my parents did anything supremely well in my life: they were consistent about what was truly important. Both of them. Today, I think I FULLY grasped the gravity of intentionally & consistently "instructing my children in the way they should go." My oldest isn't getting any younger & there are waaaay to many influences I've had to counteract/explain and she hasn't even reached her double digits yet!
I'm horridly remorseful over how many missed opportunities & lost chances to 'start' this spiritual disciplining & training -rather than simply dropping them off at Sunday School once a week & having "emergency" conversations due to internet or peer exposure to "life" issues or worldviews. :-/
I'm gravely humbled by the enormity of the responsibility & task of planting God's word into their minds & hearts deeper than YouTube, DisneyChannel, the newest toy fads, & tv shows with subtle (or not so subtle) secular, worldly adult agendas & themes.
I am made more and more aware of just how "old school" & "conservative" & "traditional" I am at my core. Even moreso than my husband... a risk even he might not understand with giving me the task of homeschooling our kids. Asking the traditionally schooled woman who LOVED her private school experiences & thrived in the academically high-pressured culture of college to all of a sudden be "free" & "creative" with my instructing of her children... I've realized that I've needed to own this seaons of family life as a direct assignment of God or I'll resent my husband waaaaay more than he ever deserved.
All that to say that this experiment -or God-assignment, as I'm training my brain to see it- of teaching my grade school kids at home is going to break me, in probably all the RIGHT ways:
I am prideful. -Homeschool brings me to my knees with every little sour, rude, grumpy, disrespectful, apathetic, & (frankly put) bitchy attitude my kids seem to effortlessly breathe out.
I am impatient. -Homeschool slaps sense into me when I realize I can't just scream, pout, whine-cry, or run away from "my" little humans who so skillfully test & light my "short fuse."
I am insecure. -Homeschool keeps reminding me of how much I don't remember from my school-days & that it is OKAY. Also that, unless I want to raise brain-smart hermits or socially inept leeches on society that despise me, the charge falls squarely on MY shoulders to get them out of the house to try new things; meet & actually interact & even befriend perfect strangers; learn skills I don't know; and "put yourself out there" in general.
I am judgmental. -Homeschool takes the wind out any sort of "haughty" attitude or truly arrogant mindset. I have to learn how to counteract it with my other tendency...
I overthink & constantly second-guess everything. -Homeschooling forces me to "keep moving forward" and that any failure HAS TO result in forward motion & alternative options or I'll just sink into self-pity & the dreadful sin of apathy.
I think I've written enough for me to chew on for now.... I'm sure there will be more sooner than later.
Day 3 Devotion to God's Word
(this is the 3rd day in a row we've read Deut. 6:4-9)
Explain the truth of Deut. 6:6-9:
Since we love God by keeping His commands, we need to know what God has commanded. So if you love God, you will also love God's word, because it shows you how to love God. God's word must be in your heart, which means it should be at the center of your thoughts & desires (6:6). God's word is so important that it is the most important thing for your parents to teach you (6:7a). Teaching children to love God is like chiseling God's word on granite.
(This part silently crushed me because I had a total mom-tantrum/breakdown the day before that resulted in me sobbing in my hotel bathroom, then sitting in the outside hall questioning my very resolve to keep homeschooling, followed by apathetically going through the motions of continuing family devotions at the tearful, repentant pleading of my strong-willed firstborn whose grumbling, whining, & disrespect was the catalyst for said mom-tantrum.) It is tiring work, and your parents must be consistent and patient. (yeah epically failing that last part!)But their hard work is worth it if (and this is the part that hit me like a TON OF BRICKS that I'll elaborate on why later) God's word becomes permanently imprinted on your heart, so that you love God and find life in Him. Then, like your parents, you will speak God's word all the time (Yeah... about that) and in every aspect of life (6:7b). This is because your words show what is in your heart (Matt. 12:34). If you love God, you will strive to make God's word the thing that controls your actions (hands), thoughts (foreheads), homes (doorposts), and community (gates) (6:8-9).
Ask
1. Why does Moses talk about God's word right after the command to love God? Because God's word helps our hearts love God and shows us how to love God.
2. Where should we keep God's word? In our hearts. That means we understand God's word, love God's word, and obey God's word.
3. What is your parents' most important job? To teach God's word to their children very diligently.
4. Since words show what is in your heart, what should your speech be like? We should be talking about God's word all the time, everywhere, in all sorts of activities.
Discuss
1. What are some ways your parents teach you God's word? How can you encourage them as they do this?
2. Do God's words come out of you? Make a list of ordinary activities where you can speak God's word.
The last 2 sections (Ask & Discuss) really got me thinking about how my own parents instilled the Word of God into my heart. I didn't start AWANAs until I was in 6th Grade -almost a teenager! But I already had a firm grip on the books of the Bible, many key memory verses, basic Christian principles were already deeply planted in my heart & mind... and yet the only memories I can muster of actually actively learning those things are a book/tape series of the Fruit of the Spirit; going to Sunday School every single Sunday of my life (& nothing really stuck out as particularly memorable), and family reading/devotions time...
In so many ways, "my" faith was secured long before I even had time to question it... and when I finally did, my foundation was so rock-solid & irrefutably backed by all my (short) life experience (17 years), I've only been strengthened in The Faith of Jesus Christ.
I think that if my parents did anything supremely well in my life: they were consistent about what was truly important. Both of them. Today, I think I FULLY grasped the gravity of intentionally & consistently "instructing my children in the way they should go." My oldest isn't getting any younger & there are waaaay to many influences I've had to counteract/explain and she hasn't even reached her double digits yet!
I'm horridly remorseful over how many missed opportunities & lost chances to 'start' this spiritual disciplining & training -rather than simply dropping them off at Sunday School once a week & having "emergency" conversations due to internet or peer exposure to "life" issues or worldviews. :-/
I'm gravely humbled by the enormity of the responsibility & task of planting God's word into their minds & hearts deeper than YouTube, DisneyChannel, the newest toy fads, & tv shows with subtle (or not so subtle) secular, worldly adult agendas & themes.
I am made more and more aware of just how "old school" & "conservative" & "traditional" I am at my core. Even moreso than my husband... a risk even he might not understand with giving me the task of homeschooling our kids. Asking the traditionally schooled woman who LOVED her private school experiences & thrived in the academically high-pressured culture of college to all of a sudden be "free" & "creative" with my instructing of her children... I've realized that I've needed to own this seaons of family life as a direct assignment of God or I'll resent my husband waaaaay more than he ever deserved.
All that to say that this experiment -or God-assignment, as I'm training my brain to see it- of teaching my grade school kids at home is going to break me, in probably all the RIGHT ways:
I am prideful. -Homeschool brings me to my knees with every little sour, rude, grumpy, disrespectful, apathetic, & (frankly put) bitchy attitude my kids seem to effortlessly breathe out.
I am impatient. -Homeschool slaps sense into me when I realize I can't just scream, pout, whine-cry, or run away from "my" little humans who so skillfully test & light my "short fuse."
I am insecure. -Homeschool keeps reminding me of how much I don't remember from my school-days & that it is OKAY. Also that, unless I want to raise brain-smart hermits or socially inept leeches on society that despise me, the charge falls squarely on MY shoulders to get them out of the house to try new things; meet & actually interact & even befriend perfect strangers; learn skills I don't know; and "put yourself out there" in general.
I am judgmental. -Homeschool takes the wind out any sort of "haughty" attitude or truly arrogant mindset. I have to learn how to counteract it with my other tendency...
I overthink & constantly second-guess everything. -Homeschooling forces me to "keep moving forward" and that any failure HAS TO result in forward motion & alternative options or I'll just sink into self-pity & the dreadful sin of apathy.
I think I've written enough for me to chew on for now.... I'm sure there will be more sooner than later.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Expectation
I am 39 weeks pregnant with our first little BOY! Oh how time rolls by.....
It feels like a decade ago that I was begging & pleading with God to open our family to the possibility of adding another member to the family. Now we "own" our 1st home, have TWO german shepherds, & my sister has come to live with us indefinitely (to help with the other kiddos & be a companion for me), while we wait for the final word on my hubby's international job offer!
I suppose it could be said that life is VERY FULL right now... and yet, I am struggling with the anticipation of not being able to plan anything right now. Can't plan on moving because we don't know if he has the job yet. Can't plan much one-on-one time with the hubby because he's trying to get his guard requirements fulfilled before he will most likely be moving. Can't plan much with the girls because we don't know when (if?) we will be moving & because the new addition is due literally any day now.
So I wait. In discomfort but without consistency. In awareness but exhaustion (I awoke sometime around 3 or 4am & fruitlessly tried to fall back asleep & now it's 7). My brain is so scattered, I can't focus on a project long enough to follow through on finishing it. I'm hungry but nauseous. Thirsty but am weary of constantly visiting the bathroom & washing my hands every 30-45mins.
Therefore, I am trying something "new" - meditating on God. It's probably the biggest thing that has suffered since we began the home-buying process. Not that I haven't been praying. Not that I've forsaken my church family or doing my best to "train up my children in the way they should go." But in my personal relationship & love of the One that I use to call my First Love. I know that He's been with me the whole time... patiently waiting for me like I am waiting for my child to present himself to this world. He's felt as close & as far as I have with my unborn son -being closely held & nourished, loved & thought of, but not known or fully experienced for who he is yet. But I have already been born again into His family! Is it so easy to retreat back into the fetal stage of little to no active growing communication... and just take for granted His love, provision, & tender holding...
Perhaps that is just it: pregnant silence & growth is what I've needed these last few months (basically since the beginning of this year). I don't begrudge my son's lack of active communication with me -he's not ready yet, but I love him all the same. I am eagerly expecting his new level of interaction with me -literally itching for it- and perhaps I'm not as prepared as I think I should be, but all he'll truly need is my care & love & prayers. Just as I know Christ has & will continue to care for my needs, pray on my behalf, & lavishly love me, I will continue to grow & open up to Him. My son won't come out feeling guilty for not speaking to me for 9 months. I won't punish him for jabbing at me or "ignoring" me for 9 months either. At his birth, we will simply love & want each other. He will still need me like I will need Jesus.
My biggest question, even before we got pregnant again, has been: am I equipped to raise a son? Somehow I already know & understand that the process of parenting a son is going to be very different & even more life-changing for me than it ever has been or will be with girls. The next question being: is my husband ready & equipped to raise a son? For the first time in a very long time, I feel like the two of us are very possibly on the same level or "page" spiritually... still working on communicating it to each other & growing together, but now we're not so awkwardly different or coming from such differing theological or psychological perspectives as when we first met.
I've been humbled quite a bit & he's been intentionally challenged -and both of us have been stretched in enough similar circumstances though in different ways. But now I feel like with the coming of our son, there needs to be even more intentionality & vulnerability between us to take on this new challenge. It's not that we love our girls any less, but differently. I understand how girls process information & grow physically & mentally. All I understand about boys is that they are different & that I've simply had to figure out how to be a girl around them... not how to help him develop or think, much less understand what is important for him to know & understand to be a healthy man of God. Even James is still figuring that out... I know how I want & expect myself & my daughters to be treated by boy/men. But I don't know or fully understand the "how's" or "why's" of instilling certain values/mindsets/perspectives/"understandings" to someone whose mind-wiring & genetic-building is completely different than mine. I never expected to "change" my husband, I just expected his father to have taught him how to treat his mother & sisters -and therefore, his wife & daughters. I don't want to emasculate or "baby" him past what is healthy but I don't want to cause him to fear women or even treat them like goddesses. I want him to respect them & protect them. To treat them like precious peers that are just as smart & capable as him. I want him to be observant & sensitive but not a pushover & whiny. I want him to be strong & confident but not arrogant or selfish. Capable & independent but not rude or self-absorbed.
Am I placing too much expectation on my son already? I suppose I didn't have to think all these things through for my girls because I just knew what traits I lacked, had strength in, & admired/aspired to in other women & have been parenting in such ways that I feel emphasize those expectations/values/perspectives/"understandings."
Other humans are finally stirring in the house, time to go. Until next time, and hopefully not so long from now! Aloha!
It feels like a decade ago that I was begging & pleading with God to open our family to the possibility of adding another member to the family. Now we "own" our 1st home, have TWO german shepherds, & my sister has come to live with us indefinitely (to help with the other kiddos & be a companion for me), while we wait for the final word on my hubby's international job offer!
I suppose it could be said that life is VERY FULL right now... and yet, I am struggling with the anticipation of not being able to plan anything right now. Can't plan on moving because we don't know if he has the job yet. Can't plan much one-on-one time with the hubby because he's trying to get his guard requirements fulfilled before he will most likely be moving. Can't plan much with the girls because we don't know when (if?) we will be moving & because the new addition is due literally any day now.
So I wait. In discomfort but without consistency. In awareness but exhaustion (I awoke sometime around 3 or 4am & fruitlessly tried to fall back asleep & now it's 7). My brain is so scattered, I can't focus on a project long enough to follow through on finishing it. I'm hungry but nauseous. Thirsty but am weary of constantly visiting the bathroom & washing my hands every 30-45mins.
Therefore, I am trying something "new" - meditating on God. It's probably the biggest thing that has suffered since we began the home-buying process. Not that I haven't been praying. Not that I've forsaken my church family or doing my best to "train up my children in the way they should go." But in my personal relationship & love of the One that I use to call my First Love. I know that He's been with me the whole time... patiently waiting for me like I am waiting for my child to present himself to this world. He's felt as close & as far as I have with my unborn son -being closely held & nourished, loved & thought of, but not known or fully experienced for who he is yet. But I have already been born again into His family! Is it so easy to retreat back into the fetal stage of little to no active growing communication... and just take for granted His love, provision, & tender holding...
Perhaps that is just it: pregnant silence & growth is what I've needed these last few months (basically since the beginning of this year). I don't begrudge my son's lack of active communication with me -he's not ready yet, but I love him all the same. I am eagerly expecting his new level of interaction with me -literally itching for it- and perhaps I'm not as prepared as I think I should be, but all he'll truly need is my care & love & prayers. Just as I know Christ has & will continue to care for my needs, pray on my behalf, & lavishly love me, I will continue to grow & open up to Him. My son won't come out feeling guilty for not speaking to me for 9 months. I won't punish him for jabbing at me or "ignoring" me for 9 months either. At his birth, we will simply love & want each other. He will still need me like I will need Jesus.
My biggest question, even before we got pregnant again, has been: am I equipped to raise a son? Somehow I already know & understand that the process of parenting a son is going to be very different & even more life-changing for me than it ever has been or will be with girls. The next question being: is my husband ready & equipped to raise a son? For the first time in a very long time, I feel like the two of us are very possibly on the same level or "page" spiritually... still working on communicating it to each other & growing together, but now we're not so awkwardly different or coming from such differing theological or psychological perspectives as when we first met.
I've been humbled quite a bit & he's been intentionally challenged -and both of us have been stretched in enough similar circumstances though in different ways. But now I feel like with the coming of our son, there needs to be even more intentionality & vulnerability between us to take on this new challenge. It's not that we love our girls any less, but differently. I understand how girls process information & grow physically & mentally. All I understand about boys is that they are different & that I've simply had to figure out how to be a girl around them... not how to help him develop or think, much less understand what is important for him to know & understand to be a healthy man of God. Even James is still figuring that out... I know how I want & expect myself & my daughters to be treated by boy/men. But I don't know or fully understand the "how's" or "why's" of instilling certain values/mindsets/perspectives/"understandings" to someone whose mind-wiring & genetic-building is completely different than mine. I never expected to "change" my husband, I just expected his father to have taught him how to treat his mother & sisters -and therefore, his wife & daughters. I don't want to emasculate or "baby" him past what is healthy but I don't want to cause him to fear women or even treat them like goddesses. I want him to respect them & protect them. To treat them like precious peers that are just as smart & capable as him. I want him to be observant & sensitive but not a pushover & whiny. I want him to be strong & confident but not arrogant or selfish. Capable & independent but not rude or self-absorbed.
Am I placing too much expectation on my son already? I suppose I didn't have to think all these things through for my girls because I just knew what traits I lacked, had strength in, & admired/aspired to in other women & have been parenting in such ways that I feel emphasize those expectations/values/perspectives/"understandings."
Other humans are finally stirring in the house, time to go. Until next time, and hopefully not so long from now! Aloha!
Monday, July 29, 2013
My 30's Project
I already mentioned it on my Tumblr account & created a board on Pinterest, but figured I'd put the thoughts & "background" behind my choices. Not to mention I still need to find pictures & or create pictures of my goals/hopes/dreams for the upcoming decade of my life.
Here are a few of the ideas I've mustered up already (in no particular order, i just wanted to know how many I'd come up with so far) :
1.Write & have a children's book illustrated & published
2.Record my own music album
3.Study to become a physical therapist
4.Visit &, if possible, do missions work in Venezuela with my Dad
5.Learn to paint enough to paint (& consequently visit) the Eiffel Tower
6.Travel Venice, Italy, by gondola, both by day & by night
7.Live outside of the USA for more than a year
8.Be in Japan for a Cherry Blossom Festival
9.See Victoria Falls
10.Have lunch at The Eagle & Child
11.Memorize the book of Philippians (and be able to recite it for my 40th birthday)
12.Mentor someone
13.Able to name 3 of my children's closest friends
14.Go to the Caribbean with James
15.Take each of my children on their own "Mom & me" trip to the location of their choice for their 13th birthday
16.Make a Dasher Family Favorite Recipe book (with pictures)
17.Take my Mom & sister on a Mother-Daughter vacation
18.See Angel Falls with my Dad
19.Do a family missions trip with the Knapp & James Dasher family
20.Make a family heritage book of Knapps & Dashers
21.Make a family heritage books of Cabebes & Michaels
22.Keep a daily journal of praises & prayer request for 1 year
23.Make & start a Hope Chest for each of my children
24.Be more in love with James than ever before
25.Record a music album with James
I know I'm only 5 away from 30 & I'll be the first to admit that I might have sat here longer than I expected & thought some (okay a lot) of these out but I honestly can't think of any more & still have work to do before turning in for the night. (It's getting very close to my bedtime.)
Here are a few of the ideas I've mustered up already (in no particular order, i just wanted to know how many I'd come up with so far) :
1.Write & have a children's book illustrated & published
2.Record my own music album
3.Study to become a physical therapist
4.Visit &, if possible, do missions work in Venezuela with my Dad
5.Learn to paint enough to paint (& consequently visit) the Eiffel Tower
6.Travel Venice, Italy, by gondola, both by day & by night
7.Live outside of the USA for more than a year
8.Be in Japan for a Cherry Blossom Festival
9.See Victoria Falls
10.Have lunch at The Eagle & Child
11.Memorize the book of Philippians (and be able to recite it for my 40th birthday)
12.Mentor someone
13.Able to name 3 of my children's closest friends
14.Go to the Caribbean with James
15.Take each of my children on their own "Mom & me" trip to the location of their choice for their 13th birthday
16.Make a Dasher Family Favorite Recipe book (with pictures)
17.Take my Mom & sister on a Mother-Daughter vacation
18.See Angel Falls with my Dad
19.Do a family missions trip with the Knapp & James Dasher family
20.Make a family heritage book of Knapps & Dashers
21.Make a family heritage books of Cabebes & Michaels
22.Keep a daily journal of praises & prayer request for 1 year
23.Make & start a Hope Chest for each of my children
24.Be more in love with James than ever before
25.Record a music album with James
I know I'm only 5 away from 30 & I'll be the first to admit that I might have sat here longer than I expected & thought some (okay a lot) of these out but I honestly can't think of any more & still have work to do before turning in for the night. (It's getting very close to my bedtime.)
Closure to last post
I promised to revisit my last post. Just reading it made me realize how depressing I can get sometimes. I think I put such postings silently wishing someone would happen upon it & tell me something nice about myself but looking back now, I think I need to keep such entries to my personal journal & in my prayers with the Lord. Though the message I did learn about True Love was a good one, I think.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Thoughts on love
I've have the head knowledge that this culture has love all twisted & wrong for quite some time. I've also had the head knowledge of what the Bible says about love. Some how, for longer than I think I've realized, in my effort to not conform to the world's definition & understanding of love, I've closed out exploring & opening myself to truly understand & know biblical, godly love = True Love.
Perhaps its from my few years of being a wife & mother... but it's almost like my heart & soul knew what it consisted of & looked like but my head tends to be the "boss" when it comes to my day-in-day-out thoughts. This morning, for probably Spirit reasons, the realities in my heart touched upon my analytical mind.
Love is the day-in-day-out, laying-down, giving up, and getting-out-of-my-own-way for others.
I may be married to that person, I may be their mother, I may be their daughter by blood or marriage, I may be their neighbor across the street or across an ocean. I may not know them or I may see them every week. I may know their "story", go to church with them, or work with them....
If that is what true love is (or at least part of it), then I am quite guilty of simply loving those who love me back or those with whom I feel can or would return the sacrifice that it is.... but love is not just a feeling or a favor. It is so simple, yet deep that it seems as thought it is very complicated.
I have somehow numbed myself to seeing people the way God sees them... I made Jesus an abstract theology that I cling too... rather than get into the complicated, messiness that most of my relationship seem to turn out as. I've burned so many friendships by simply giving up or not knowing how to continue them. I've isolated & confused others who wanted to be my friends. I also tend to make the people I really truly LIKE the "dumping grounds" for my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, mistakes, & questions... almost like I'm seeing if they actually want to stick around if they knew what I thought & how I behave.
Realizing that all my faith is based on a real, living person? It scares me. I so badly don't want to "screw it up" or "let Him down" or ...or... the worst thing I've done in so many of my other relationships: disappoint. :-( I guess I've always secretly believed that my parents are disappointed in my life choices after college -namely my marriage. I believe that my in-laws are disappointed that I turned out to be an ungrateful, spiteful, messy, overly emotional, & naive girl (instead of the asset that their son married "up"to in the beginning). I believe that my childhood friends & church family & extended family are completely disappointed in me not returning to Hawaii or obeying my parents wishes or fulfilling my family's expectations in ministry & back to my continually sacrificing parents. I believe my siblings -especially my brothers- are disappointed in me. I've let down so many of my college friends that none of them have tried to continue what friendships I thought we had... I can actually remember almost every time that I have let down or disappointed someone & the feeling of complete & total feeling of being a failure. As much as I want to impress people & be seen as a success or as a loving, caring, hard-worker... my biggest goal in life seems to be to NOT disappoint people -especially the ones I truly love & want to be loved by. :-(
I absolutely HATE the drop in my stomach, the sadness in their eyes, the feeling of throwing up, the pinched lips or sighs on their mouths.... and ultimately the thoughts & feelings I assume must be going on inside their hearts & minds. I can almost hear them saying "I can't believe she just did that!", "Guess I can't rely on her anymore", "If she can't be trusted to do this, then I can't trust her in __ either", "What a let down she is!", "What good is she if she can't follow through in this?" ...seriously. I have these thoughts everywhere I go, with every single person I come in contact with... perhaps I am an introvert simply because I don't want to see how many people I could possibly let down & disappoint. perhaps I even hate social media because it reminds me of the sheer number of "friends" I've let down over the years & disappointed more than once.
I feel so trapped by these thoughts. I feel dead-ended & most of it is my own doings... which deepens the offense of disappointment: in myself. And the one person everyone keeps telling me that can get me out of it is still another person. another relationship with the even larger potential for being a disappointment & "let down"... wow, this post just took a different turn than I was expecting... and I have to go. I promise to revisit it later.
Perhaps its from my few years of being a wife & mother... but it's almost like my heart & soul knew what it consisted of & looked like but my head tends to be the "boss" when it comes to my day-in-day-out thoughts. This morning, for probably Spirit reasons, the realities in my heart touched upon my analytical mind.
Love is the day-in-day-out, laying-down, giving up, and getting-out-of-my-own-way for others.
I may be married to that person, I may be their mother, I may be their daughter by blood or marriage, I may be their neighbor across the street or across an ocean. I may not know them or I may see them every week. I may know their "story", go to church with them, or work with them....
If that is what true love is (or at least part of it), then I am quite guilty of simply loving those who love me back or those with whom I feel can or would return the sacrifice that it is.... but love is not just a feeling or a favor. It is so simple, yet deep that it seems as thought it is very complicated.
I have somehow numbed myself to seeing people the way God sees them... I made Jesus an abstract theology that I cling too... rather than get into the complicated, messiness that most of my relationship seem to turn out as. I've burned so many friendships by simply giving up or not knowing how to continue them. I've isolated & confused others who wanted to be my friends. I also tend to make the people I really truly LIKE the "dumping grounds" for my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, mistakes, & questions... almost like I'm seeing if they actually want to stick around if they knew what I thought & how I behave.
Realizing that all my faith is based on a real, living person? It scares me. I so badly don't want to "screw it up" or "let Him down" or ...or... the worst thing I've done in so many of my other relationships: disappoint. :-( I guess I've always secretly believed that my parents are disappointed in my life choices after college -namely my marriage. I believe that my in-laws are disappointed that I turned out to be an ungrateful, spiteful, messy, overly emotional, & naive girl (instead of the asset that their son married "up"to in the beginning). I believe that my childhood friends & church family & extended family are completely disappointed in me not returning to Hawaii or obeying my parents wishes or fulfilling my family's expectations in ministry & back to my continually sacrificing parents. I believe my siblings -especially my brothers- are disappointed in me. I've let down so many of my college friends that none of them have tried to continue what friendships I thought we had... I can actually remember almost every time that I have let down or disappointed someone & the feeling of complete & total feeling of being a failure. As much as I want to impress people & be seen as a success or as a loving, caring, hard-worker... my biggest goal in life seems to be to NOT disappoint people -especially the ones I truly love & want to be loved by. :-(
I absolutely HATE the drop in my stomach, the sadness in their eyes, the feeling of throwing up, the pinched lips or sighs on their mouths.... and ultimately the thoughts & feelings I assume must be going on inside their hearts & minds. I can almost hear them saying "I can't believe she just did that!", "Guess I can't rely on her anymore", "If she can't be trusted to do this, then I can't trust her in __ either", "What a let down she is!", "What good is she if she can't follow through in this?" ...seriously. I have these thoughts everywhere I go, with every single person I come in contact with... perhaps I am an introvert simply because I don't want to see how many people I could possibly let down & disappoint. perhaps I even hate social media because it reminds me of the sheer number of "friends" I've let down over the years & disappointed more than once.
I feel so trapped by these thoughts. I feel dead-ended & most of it is my own doings... which deepens the offense of disappointment: in myself. And the one person everyone keeps telling me that can get me out of it is still another person. another relationship with the even larger potential for being a disappointment & "let down"... wow, this post just took a different turn than I was expecting... and I have to go. I promise to revisit it later.
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