I just took a moment to browse the never published entries of this blog... from 2011, 7 years ago! Omgoodness! It was eye-opening, humbling, enlightening, and compassion-growing! My interactions with my family, my devotion to my husband (still irresistibly strong as ever, btw!), and my explosive emotions after heated topics with said husband.... whew! It’s surreal to say it’s been a dozen years of my life with him ...but to actually relive & flashback to times that were strongly imprinted with intense emotions/thoughts that left lasting impressions on who I was to become is sobering. Then face who I am now... I venture to say that I am actually proud of who I’ve become after all this time. Not on my own or in my preferred methods or experiences, but the woman that I get to look at in the mirror and reflect upon after almost 35 years of existence is encouraging. I see a half bloomed flower bush with MANY more buds read to burst open and boldly bloom. I think the biggest reason that I can even comfortably make such statements is because my most constant & preferred method of viewing my life has been these things: the lense of Christ, His Scriptures, & the unwavering truths spoken through His people regardless of where in the world or whatever is in the path of the adventure of my life.
I’ve learned to only take stands with what is most important to Christ. To become an expert in Jesus and His voice. To filter everything -parenting, marriage, career, culture, character, preferences, mental state, emotions, friendship, family, relationships- through His Truth. To rest in Him. To wait actively when He says wait, meaning not apathetically, pitifully, mindlessly, or even with empty, “harmless” entertainment. To not just “count my days” to pass the time but to number them in such a way that produces something that brings Him glory & honor through my life.
I’ve also learned that feeling pain, loss, hurt, and all manor of the emotions that result because of sin (of others especially) MUST be allowed to be felt. ...and not for the juvenile understanding that one must learn compassion for the sake of others. No, sin is real and has real effects. To deny those effects only causes a blindness & unhealthy outcome likened to someone ignoring the loss of a limb.... death of some sort will result. Emotional, Spiritual, Mental... You actually have control over what to release to God and He only has the best in mind for us.
I’ve learned to speak up. This is saying a lot and my husband would be the first to admit this. Advocating ones self can actually be an act of obedience to Christ in some situtations. I’ve always tended towards the believe that “Silence at the right times can be a megaphone of statement & making a point” so that I don’t need to speak up. However, suffering as a result of “holding my tongue” has started to become quite the Teacher of when to actually speak up & what to say. This is still a strange sensation as I have always perceived myself like Moses -poor with words & not well spoken. To admit this weakness, then ask God to use me, only to find Him repeatatively placing me in situations in which I am the only one able to speak into a situation that MUST be spoken truth into or others will suffer.... I will still probably never see myself as a speaker, but I have aquired a confidence earned through testing & trials.
I have something to offer others! ...but only because I have put one-foot-in-front-of-the-other in obedience & duty to my LORD. I know His love goes deeper than I perceive. I know His forgiveness extends farther that I can reach. I know His peace penetrates more than that which can be seen or felt. I know His truth resounds in more dimensions than I can even experience. And because of all these knowns, I can have a hope that I can never be separated from!
I’ve learned that I am only thoughts away from being “wicked”, words away from being “foolish & rebellious”, and actions away from being “evil.” The test of that reality is ever present and easy to fail... along with a vicious foe who will capitalize the failures and turn the purpose of it (purification & sanctification) to something more easily swallowed but far deadlier (self-righteousness).
I can confidently say that I know the difference between real growth & wisdom versus the pseudo-twins of self-righteousness & self-abasement (false humility which is really pride). I know what the root of bitterness looks like and have a healthy fear of its growth into a tree. I know that hurt begets hurt but love breaks the cycle. I know that some give in to the wicked, sinful nature and that others embrace it wholeheartedly -but that neither are lost to Christ or His transformational character & essence. I have yet to see this last one directly, but I pray for it daily & completely believe that NOTHING is impossible with God! I also believe that He is a God of justice and that He will satisfy all injustices perfectly in His time and in a way that redeems all that want to & can be (when offered).
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Loving Well
Written May 2018:
This hard, hard time we’ve been having, as I have come to learn -is the perfect breeding ground for God to teach me some pretty big lessons about myself. It’s humbling and a bit discouraging. For all my years with Him as my Lord, I feel like I haven’t made much progress in my sanctification of becoming more like my beloved Lord and Savior. ...just been made more painfully aware of how pathetic I actually am. My pride has taken a new tactic in the last few years -introversion. I have become more foolish & petty, more guarded & jaded. I continued to be judgemental and proud. And as I titled this entry: quite the opposite of what I’ve been learning from Beth Moore’s “Loving Well” retreat booklet. I do live in fear -these days it’s mostly of rejection & misunderstanding. A fair amount of it could be credited to the failing & sins of my husband’s former company’s callousness in abandoning us here, but it’s not like God isn’t sort it out in His perfect timing & ways.... that’s never been called into question... just ungratefully accepted & filled with 4 months of emotional & mental turmoil.
This hard, hard time we’ve been having, as I have come to learn -is the perfect breeding ground for God to teach me some pretty big lessons about myself. It’s humbling and a bit discouraging. For all my years with Him as my Lord, I feel like I haven’t made much progress in my sanctification of becoming more like my beloved Lord and Savior. ...just been made more painfully aware of how pathetic I actually am. My pride has taken a new tactic in the last few years -introversion. I have become more foolish & petty, more guarded & jaded. I continued to be judgemental and proud. And as I titled this entry: quite the opposite of what I’ve been learning from Beth Moore’s “Loving Well” retreat booklet. I do live in fear -these days it’s mostly of rejection & misunderstanding. A fair amount of it could be credited to the failing & sins of my husband’s former company’s callousness in abandoning us here, but it’s not like God isn’t sort it out in His perfect timing & ways.... that’s never been called into question... just ungratefully accepted & filled with 4 months of emotional & mental turmoil.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Family Devotions 2017
Family Devotions hit me hard today. I'll just copy it below to make referencing easier:
Day 3 Devotion to God's Word
(this is the 3rd day in a row we've read Deut. 6:4-9)
Explain the truth of Deut. 6:6-9:
Since we love God by keeping His commands, we need to know what God has commanded. So if you love God, you will also love God's word, because it shows you how to love God. God's word must be in your heart, which means it should be at the center of your thoughts & desires (6:6). God's word is so important that it is the most important thing for your parents to teach you (6:7a). Teaching children to love God is like chiseling God's word on granite.
(This part silently crushed me because I had a total mom-tantrum/breakdown the day before that resulted in me sobbing in my hotel bathroom, then sitting in the outside hall questioning my very resolve to keep homeschooling, followed by apathetically going through the motions of continuing family devotions at the tearful, repentant pleading of my strong-willed firstborn whose grumbling, whining, & disrespect was the catalyst for said mom-tantrum.) It is tiring work, and your parents must be consistent and patient. (yeah epically failing that last part!)But their hard work is worth it if (and this is the part that hit me like a TON OF BRICKS that I'll elaborate on why later) God's word becomes permanently imprinted on your heart, so that you love God and find life in Him. Then, like your parents, you will speak God's word all the time (Yeah... about that) and in every aspect of life (6:7b). This is because your words show what is in your heart (Matt. 12:34). If you love God, you will strive to make God's word the thing that controls your actions (hands), thoughts (foreheads), homes (doorposts), and community (gates) (6:8-9).
Ask
1. Why does Moses talk about God's word right after the command to love God? Because God's word helps our hearts love God and shows us how to love God.
2. Where should we keep God's word? In our hearts. That means we understand God's word, love God's word, and obey God's word.
3. What is your parents' most important job? To teach God's word to their children very diligently.
4. Since words show what is in your heart, what should your speech be like? We should be talking about God's word all the time, everywhere, in all sorts of activities.
Discuss
1. What are some ways your parents teach you God's word? How can you encourage them as they do this?
2. Do God's words come out of you? Make a list of ordinary activities where you can speak God's word.
The last 2 sections (Ask & Discuss) really got me thinking about how my own parents instilled the Word of God into my heart. I didn't start AWANAs until I was in 6th Grade -almost a teenager! But I already had a firm grip on the books of the Bible, many key memory verses, basic Christian principles were already deeply planted in my heart & mind... and yet the only memories I can muster of actually actively learning those things are a book/tape series of the Fruit of the Spirit; going to Sunday School every single Sunday of my life (& nothing really stuck out as particularly memorable), and family reading/devotions time...
In so many ways, "my" faith was secured long before I even had time to question it... and when I finally did, my foundation was so rock-solid & irrefutably backed by all my (short) life experience (17 years), I've only been strengthened in The Faith of Jesus Christ.
I think that if my parents did anything supremely well in my life: they were consistent about what was truly important. Both of them. Today, I think I FULLY grasped the gravity of intentionally & consistently "instructing my children in the way they should go." My oldest isn't getting any younger & there are waaaay to many influences I've had to counteract/explain and she hasn't even reached her double digits yet!
I'm horridly remorseful over how many missed opportunities & lost chances to 'start' this spiritual disciplining & training -rather than simply dropping them off at Sunday School once a week & having "emergency" conversations due to internet or peer exposure to "life" issues or worldviews. :-/
I'm gravely humbled by the enormity of the responsibility & task of planting God's word into their minds & hearts deeper than YouTube, DisneyChannel, the newest toy fads, & tv shows with subtle (or not so subtle) secular, worldly adult agendas & themes.
I am made more and more aware of just how "old school" & "conservative" & "traditional" I am at my core. Even moreso than my husband... a risk even he might not understand with giving me the task of homeschooling our kids. Asking the traditionally schooled woman who LOVED her private school experiences & thrived in the academically high-pressured culture of college to all of a sudden be "free" & "creative" with my instructing of her children... I've realized that I've needed to own this seaons of family life as a direct assignment of God or I'll resent my husband waaaaay more than he ever deserved.
All that to say that this experiment -or God-assignment, as I'm training my brain to see it- of teaching my grade school kids at home is going to break me, in probably all the RIGHT ways:
I am prideful. -Homeschool brings me to my knees with every little sour, rude, grumpy, disrespectful, apathetic, & (frankly put) bitchy attitude my kids seem to effortlessly breathe out.
I am impatient. -Homeschool slaps sense into me when I realize I can't just scream, pout, whine-cry, or run away from "my" little humans who so skillfully test & light my "short fuse."
I am insecure. -Homeschool keeps reminding me of how much I don't remember from my school-days & that it is OKAY. Also that, unless I want to raise brain-smart hermits or socially inept leeches on society that despise me, the charge falls squarely on MY shoulders to get them out of the house to try new things; meet & actually interact & even befriend perfect strangers; learn skills I don't know; and "put yourself out there" in general.
I am judgmental. -Homeschool takes the wind out any sort of "haughty" attitude or truly arrogant mindset. I have to learn how to counteract it with my other tendency...
I overthink & constantly second-guess everything. -Homeschooling forces me to "keep moving forward" and that any failure HAS TO result in forward motion & alternative options or I'll just sink into self-pity & the dreadful sin of apathy.
I think I've written enough for me to chew on for now.... I'm sure there will be more sooner than later.
Day 3 Devotion to God's Word
(this is the 3rd day in a row we've read Deut. 6:4-9)
Explain the truth of Deut. 6:6-9:
Since we love God by keeping His commands, we need to know what God has commanded. So if you love God, you will also love God's word, because it shows you how to love God. God's word must be in your heart, which means it should be at the center of your thoughts & desires (6:6). God's word is so important that it is the most important thing for your parents to teach you (6:7a). Teaching children to love God is like chiseling God's word on granite.
(This part silently crushed me because I had a total mom-tantrum/breakdown the day before that resulted in me sobbing in my hotel bathroom, then sitting in the outside hall questioning my very resolve to keep homeschooling, followed by apathetically going through the motions of continuing family devotions at the tearful, repentant pleading of my strong-willed firstborn whose grumbling, whining, & disrespect was the catalyst for said mom-tantrum.) It is tiring work, and your parents must be consistent and patient. (yeah epically failing that last part!)But their hard work is worth it if (and this is the part that hit me like a TON OF BRICKS that I'll elaborate on why later) God's word becomes permanently imprinted on your heart, so that you love God and find life in Him. Then, like your parents, you will speak God's word all the time (Yeah... about that) and in every aspect of life (6:7b). This is because your words show what is in your heart (Matt. 12:34). If you love God, you will strive to make God's word the thing that controls your actions (hands), thoughts (foreheads), homes (doorposts), and community (gates) (6:8-9).
Ask
1. Why does Moses talk about God's word right after the command to love God? Because God's word helps our hearts love God and shows us how to love God.
2. Where should we keep God's word? In our hearts. That means we understand God's word, love God's word, and obey God's word.
3. What is your parents' most important job? To teach God's word to their children very diligently.
4. Since words show what is in your heart, what should your speech be like? We should be talking about God's word all the time, everywhere, in all sorts of activities.
Discuss
1. What are some ways your parents teach you God's word? How can you encourage them as they do this?
2. Do God's words come out of you? Make a list of ordinary activities where you can speak God's word.
The last 2 sections (Ask & Discuss) really got me thinking about how my own parents instilled the Word of God into my heart. I didn't start AWANAs until I was in 6th Grade -almost a teenager! But I already had a firm grip on the books of the Bible, many key memory verses, basic Christian principles were already deeply planted in my heart & mind... and yet the only memories I can muster of actually actively learning those things are a book/tape series of the Fruit of the Spirit; going to Sunday School every single Sunday of my life (& nothing really stuck out as particularly memorable), and family reading/devotions time...
In so many ways, "my" faith was secured long before I even had time to question it... and when I finally did, my foundation was so rock-solid & irrefutably backed by all my (short) life experience (17 years), I've only been strengthened in The Faith of Jesus Christ.
I think that if my parents did anything supremely well in my life: they were consistent about what was truly important. Both of them. Today, I think I FULLY grasped the gravity of intentionally & consistently "instructing my children in the way they should go." My oldest isn't getting any younger & there are waaaay to many influences I've had to counteract/explain and she hasn't even reached her double digits yet!
I'm horridly remorseful over how many missed opportunities & lost chances to 'start' this spiritual disciplining & training -rather than simply dropping them off at Sunday School once a week & having "emergency" conversations due to internet or peer exposure to "life" issues or worldviews. :-/
I'm gravely humbled by the enormity of the responsibility & task of planting God's word into their minds & hearts deeper than YouTube, DisneyChannel, the newest toy fads, & tv shows with subtle (or not so subtle) secular, worldly adult agendas & themes.
I am made more and more aware of just how "old school" & "conservative" & "traditional" I am at my core. Even moreso than my husband... a risk even he might not understand with giving me the task of homeschooling our kids. Asking the traditionally schooled woman who LOVED her private school experiences & thrived in the academically high-pressured culture of college to all of a sudden be "free" & "creative" with my instructing of her children... I've realized that I've needed to own this seaons of family life as a direct assignment of God or I'll resent my husband waaaaay more than he ever deserved.
All that to say that this experiment -or God-assignment, as I'm training my brain to see it- of teaching my grade school kids at home is going to break me, in probably all the RIGHT ways:
I am prideful. -Homeschool brings me to my knees with every little sour, rude, grumpy, disrespectful, apathetic, & (frankly put) bitchy attitude my kids seem to effortlessly breathe out.
I am impatient. -Homeschool slaps sense into me when I realize I can't just scream, pout, whine-cry, or run away from "my" little humans who so skillfully test & light my "short fuse."
I am insecure. -Homeschool keeps reminding me of how much I don't remember from my school-days & that it is OKAY. Also that, unless I want to raise brain-smart hermits or socially inept leeches on society that despise me, the charge falls squarely on MY shoulders to get them out of the house to try new things; meet & actually interact & even befriend perfect strangers; learn skills I don't know; and "put yourself out there" in general.
I am judgmental. -Homeschool takes the wind out any sort of "haughty" attitude or truly arrogant mindset. I have to learn how to counteract it with my other tendency...
I overthink & constantly second-guess everything. -Homeschooling forces me to "keep moving forward" and that any failure HAS TO result in forward motion & alternative options or I'll just sink into self-pity & the dreadful sin of apathy.
I think I've written enough for me to chew on for now.... I'm sure there will be more sooner than later.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Expectation
I am 39 weeks pregnant with our first little BOY! Oh how time rolls by.....
It feels like a decade ago that I was begging & pleading with God to open our family to the possibility of adding another member to the family. Now we "own" our 1st home, have TWO german shepherds, & my sister has come to live with us indefinitely (to help with the other kiddos & be a companion for me), while we wait for the final word on my hubby's international job offer!
I suppose it could be said that life is VERY FULL right now... and yet, I am struggling with the anticipation of not being able to plan anything right now. Can't plan on moving because we don't know if he has the job yet. Can't plan much one-on-one time with the hubby because he's trying to get his guard requirements fulfilled before he will most likely be moving. Can't plan much with the girls because we don't know when (if?) we will be moving & because the new addition is due literally any day now.
So I wait. In discomfort but without consistency. In awareness but exhaustion (I awoke sometime around 3 or 4am & fruitlessly tried to fall back asleep & now it's 7). My brain is so scattered, I can't focus on a project long enough to follow through on finishing it. I'm hungry but nauseous. Thirsty but am weary of constantly visiting the bathroom & washing my hands every 30-45mins.
Therefore, I am trying something "new" - meditating on God. It's probably the biggest thing that has suffered since we began the home-buying process. Not that I haven't been praying. Not that I've forsaken my church family or doing my best to "train up my children in the way they should go." But in my personal relationship & love of the One that I use to call my First Love. I know that He's been with me the whole time... patiently waiting for me like I am waiting for my child to present himself to this world. He's felt as close & as far as I have with my unborn son -being closely held & nourished, loved & thought of, but not known or fully experienced for who he is yet. But I have already been born again into His family! Is it so easy to retreat back into the fetal stage of little to no active growing communication... and just take for granted His love, provision, & tender holding...
Perhaps that is just it: pregnant silence & growth is what I've needed these last few months (basically since the beginning of this year). I don't begrudge my son's lack of active communication with me -he's not ready yet, but I love him all the same. I am eagerly expecting his new level of interaction with me -literally itching for it- and perhaps I'm not as prepared as I think I should be, but all he'll truly need is my care & love & prayers. Just as I know Christ has & will continue to care for my needs, pray on my behalf, & lavishly love me, I will continue to grow & open up to Him. My son won't come out feeling guilty for not speaking to me for 9 months. I won't punish him for jabbing at me or "ignoring" me for 9 months either. At his birth, we will simply love & want each other. He will still need me like I will need Jesus.
My biggest question, even before we got pregnant again, has been: am I equipped to raise a son? Somehow I already know & understand that the process of parenting a son is going to be very different & even more life-changing for me than it ever has been or will be with girls. The next question being: is my husband ready & equipped to raise a son? For the first time in a very long time, I feel like the two of us are very possibly on the same level or "page" spiritually... still working on communicating it to each other & growing together, but now we're not so awkwardly different or coming from such differing theological or psychological perspectives as when we first met.
I've been humbled quite a bit & he's been intentionally challenged -and both of us have been stretched in enough similar circumstances though in different ways. But now I feel like with the coming of our son, there needs to be even more intentionality & vulnerability between us to take on this new challenge. It's not that we love our girls any less, but differently. I understand how girls process information & grow physically & mentally. All I understand about boys is that they are different & that I've simply had to figure out how to be a girl around them... not how to help him develop or think, much less understand what is important for him to know & understand to be a healthy man of God. Even James is still figuring that out... I know how I want & expect myself & my daughters to be treated by boy/men. But I don't know or fully understand the "how's" or "why's" of instilling certain values/mindsets/perspectives/"understandings" to someone whose mind-wiring & genetic-building is completely different than mine. I never expected to "change" my husband, I just expected his father to have taught him how to treat his mother & sisters -and therefore, his wife & daughters. I don't want to emasculate or "baby" him past what is healthy but I don't want to cause him to fear women or even treat them like goddesses. I want him to respect them & protect them. To treat them like precious peers that are just as smart & capable as him. I want him to be observant & sensitive but not a pushover & whiny. I want him to be strong & confident but not arrogant or selfish. Capable & independent but not rude or self-absorbed.
Am I placing too much expectation on my son already? I suppose I didn't have to think all these things through for my girls because I just knew what traits I lacked, had strength in, & admired/aspired to in other women & have been parenting in such ways that I feel emphasize those expectations/values/perspectives/"understandings."
Other humans are finally stirring in the house, time to go. Until next time, and hopefully not so long from now! Aloha!
It feels like a decade ago that I was begging & pleading with God to open our family to the possibility of adding another member to the family. Now we "own" our 1st home, have TWO german shepherds, & my sister has come to live with us indefinitely (to help with the other kiddos & be a companion for me), while we wait for the final word on my hubby's international job offer!
I suppose it could be said that life is VERY FULL right now... and yet, I am struggling with the anticipation of not being able to plan anything right now. Can't plan on moving because we don't know if he has the job yet. Can't plan much one-on-one time with the hubby because he's trying to get his guard requirements fulfilled before he will most likely be moving. Can't plan much with the girls because we don't know when (if?) we will be moving & because the new addition is due literally any day now.
So I wait. In discomfort but without consistency. In awareness but exhaustion (I awoke sometime around 3 or 4am & fruitlessly tried to fall back asleep & now it's 7). My brain is so scattered, I can't focus on a project long enough to follow through on finishing it. I'm hungry but nauseous. Thirsty but am weary of constantly visiting the bathroom & washing my hands every 30-45mins.
Therefore, I am trying something "new" - meditating on God. It's probably the biggest thing that has suffered since we began the home-buying process. Not that I haven't been praying. Not that I've forsaken my church family or doing my best to "train up my children in the way they should go." But in my personal relationship & love of the One that I use to call my First Love. I know that He's been with me the whole time... patiently waiting for me like I am waiting for my child to present himself to this world. He's felt as close & as far as I have with my unborn son -being closely held & nourished, loved & thought of, but not known or fully experienced for who he is yet. But I have already been born again into His family! Is it so easy to retreat back into the fetal stage of little to no active growing communication... and just take for granted His love, provision, & tender holding...
Perhaps that is just it: pregnant silence & growth is what I've needed these last few months (basically since the beginning of this year). I don't begrudge my son's lack of active communication with me -he's not ready yet, but I love him all the same. I am eagerly expecting his new level of interaction with me -literally itching for it- and perhaps I'm not as prepared as I think I should be, but all he'll truly need is my care & love & prayers. Just as I know Christ has & will continue to care for my needs, pray on my behalf, & lavishly love me, I will continue to grow & open up to Him. My son won't come out feeling guilty for not speaking to me for 9 months. I won't punish him for jabbing at me or "ignoring" me for 9 months either. At his birth, we will simply love & want each other. He will still need me like I will need Jesus.
My biggest question, even before we got pregnant again, has been: am I equipped to raise a son? Somehow I already know & understand that the process of parenting a son is going to be very different & even more life-changing for me than it ever has been or will be with girls. The next question being: is my husband ready & equipped to raise a son? For the first time in a very long time, I feel like the two of us are very possibly on the same level or "page" spiritually... still working on communicating it to each other & growing together, but now we're not so awkwardly different or coming from such differing theological or psychological perspectives as when we first met.
I've been humbled quite a bit & he's been intentionally challenged -and both of us have been stretched in enough similar circumstances though in different ways. But now I feel like with the coming of our son, there needs to be even more intentionality & vulnerability between us to take on this new challenge. It's not that we love our girls any less, but differently. I understand how girls process information & grow physically & mentally. All I understand about boys is that they are different & that I've simply had to figure out how to be a girl around them... not how to help him develop or think, much less understand what is important for him to know & understand to be a healthy man of God. Even James is still figuring that out... I know how I want & expect myself & my daughters to be treated by boy/men. But I don't know or fully understand the "how's" or "why's" of instilling certain values/mindsets/perspectives/"understandings" to someone whose mind-wiring & genetic-building is completely different than mine. I never expected to "change" my husband, I just expected his father to have taught him how to treat his mother & sisters -and therefore, his wife & daughters. I don't want to emasculate or "baby" him past what is healthy but I don't want to cause him to fear women or even treat them like goddesses. I want him to respect them & protect them. To treat them like precious peers that are just as smart & capable as him. I want him to be observant & sensitive but not a pushover & whiny. I want him to be strong & confident but not arrogant or selfish. Capable & independent but not rude or self-absorbed.
Am I placing too much expectation on my son already? I suppose I didn't have to think all these things through for my girls because I just knew what traits I lacked, had strength in, & admired/aspired to in other women & have been parenting in such ways that I feel emphasize those expectations/values/perspectives/"understandings."
Other humans are finally stirring in the house, time to go. Until next time, and hopefully not so long from now! Aloha!
Monday, July 29, 2013
My 30's Project
I already mentioned it on my Tumblr account & created a board on Pinterest, but figured I'd put the thoughts & "background" behind my choices. Not to mention I still need to find pictures & or create pictures of my goals/hopes/dreams for the upcoming decade of my life.
Here are a few of the ideas I've mustered up already (in no particular order, i just wanted to know how many I'd come up with so far) :
1.Write & have a children's book illustrated & published
2.Record my own music album
3.Study to become a physical therapist
4.Visit &, if possible, do missions work in Venezuela with my Dad
5.Learn to paint enough to paint (& consequently visit) the Eiffel Tower
6.Travel Venice, Italy, by gondola, both by day & by night
7.Live outside of the USA for more than a year
8.Be in Japan for a Cherry Blossom Festival
9.See Victoria Falls
10.Have lunch at The Eagle & Child
11.Memorize the book of Philippians (and be able to recite it for my 40th birthday)
12.Mentor someone
13.Able to name 3 of my children's closest friends
14.Go to the Caribbean with James
15.Take each of my children on their own "Mom & me" trip to the location of their choice for their 13th birthday
16.Make a Dasher Family Favorite Recipe book (with pictures)
17.Take my Mom & sister on a Mother-Daughter vacation
18.See Angel Falls with my Dad
19.Do a family missions trip with the Knapp & James Dasher family
20.Make a family heritage book of Knapps & Dashers
21.Make a family heritage books of Cabebes & Michaels
22.Keep a daily journal of praises & prayer request for 1 year
23.Make & start a Hope Chest for each of my children
24.Be more in love with James than ever before
25.Record a music album with James
I know I'm only 5 away from 30 & I'll be the first to admit that I might have sat here longer than I expected & thought some (okay a lot) of these out but I honestly can't think of any more & still have work to do before turning in for the night. (It's getting very close to my bedtime.)
Here are a few of the ideas I've mustered up already (in no particular order, i just wanted to know how many I'd come up with so far) :
1.Write & have a children's book illustrated & published
2.Record my own music album
3.Study to become a physical therapist
4.Visit &, if possible, do missions work in Venezuela with my Dad
5.Learn to paint enough to paint (& consequently visit) the Eiffel Tower
6.Travel Venice, Italy, by gondola, both by day & by night
7.Live outside of the USA for more than a year
8.Be in Japan for a Cherry Blossom Festival
9.See Victoria Falls
10.Have lunch at The Eagle & Child
11.Memorize the book of Philippians (and be able to recite it for my 40th birthday)
12.Mentor someone
13.Able to name 3 of my children's closest friends
14.Go to the Caribbean with James
15.Take each of my children on their own "Mom & me" trip to the location of their choice for their 13th birthday
16.Make a Dasher Family Favorite Recipe book (with pictures)
17.Take my Mom & sister on a Mother-Daughter vacation
18.See Angel Falls with my Dad
19.Do a family missions trip with the Knapp & James Dasher family
20.Make a family heritage book of Knapps & Dashers
21.Make a family heritage books of Cabebes & Michaels
22.Keep a daily journal of praises & prayer request for 1 year
23.Make & start a Hope Chest for each of my children
24.Be more in love with James than ever before
25.Record a music album with James
I know I'm only 5 away from 30 & I'll be the first to admit that I might have sat here longer than I expected & thought some (okay a lot) of these out but I honestly can't think of any more & still have work to do before turning in for the night. (It's getting very close to my bedtime.)
Closure to last post
I promised to revisit my last post. Just reading it made me realize how depressing I can get sometimes. I think I put such postings silently wishing someone would happen upon it & tell me something nice about myself but looking back now, I think I need to keep such entries to my personal journal & in my prayers with the Lord. Though the message I did learn about True Love was a good one, I think.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Thoughts on love
I've have the head knowledge that this culture has love all twisted & wrong for quite some time. I've also had the head knowledge of what the Bible says about love. Some how, for longer than I think I've realized, in my effort to not conform to the world's definition & understanding of love, I've closed out exploring & opening myself to truly understand & know biblical, godly love = True Love.
Perhaps its from my few years of being a wife & mother... but it's almost like my heart & soul knew what it consisted of & looked like but my head tends to be the "boss" when it comes to my day-in-day-out thoughts. This morning, for probably Spirit reasons, the realities in my heart touched upon my analytical mind.
Love is the day-in-day-out, laying-down, giving up, and getting-out-of-my-own-way for others.
I may be married to that person, I may be their mother, I may be their daughter by blood or marriage, I may be their neighbor across the street or across an ocean. I may not know them or I may see them every week. I may know their "story", go to church with them, or work with them....
If that is what true love is (or at least part of it), then I am quite guilty of simply loving those who love me back or those with whom I feel can or would return the sacrifice that it is.... but love is not just a feeling or a favor. It is so simple, yet deep that it seems as thought it is very complicated.
I have somehow numbed myself to seeing people the way God sees them... I made Jesus an abstract theology that I cling too... rather than get into the complicated, messiness that most of my relationship seem to turn out as. I've burned so many friendships by simply giving up or not knowing how to continue them. I've isolated & confused others who wanted to be my friends. I also tend to make the people I really truly LIKE the "dumping grounds" for my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, mistakes, & questions... almost like I'm seeing if they actually want to stick around if they knew what I thought & how I behave.
Realizing that all my faith is based on a real, living person? It scares me. I so badly don't want to "screw it up" or "let Him down" or ...or... the worst thing I've done in so many of my other relationships: disappoint. :-( I guess I've always secretly believed that my parents are disappointed in my life choices after college -namely my marriage. I believe that my in-laws are disappointed that I turned out to be an ungrateful, spiteful, messy, overly emotional, & naive girl (instead of the asset that their son married "up"to in the beginning). I believe that my childhood friends & church family & extended family are completely disappointed in me not returning to Hawaii or obeying my parents wishes or fulfilling my family's expectations in ministry & back to my continually sacrificing parents. I believe my siblings -especially my brothers- are disappointed in me. I've let down so many of my college friends that none of them have tried to continue what friendships I thought we had... I can actually remember almost every time that I have let down or disappointed someone & the feeling of complete & total feeling of being a failure. As much as I want to impress people & be seen as a success or as a loving, caring, hard-worker... my biggest goal in life seems to be to NOT disappoint people -especially the ones I truly love & want to be loved by. :-(
I absolutely HATE the drop in my stomach, the sadness in their eyes, the feeling of throwing up, the pinched lips or sighs on their mouths.... and ultimately the thoughts & feelings I assume must be going on inside their hearts & minds. I can almost hear them saying "I can't believe she just did that!", "Guess I can't rely on her anymore", "If she can't be trusted to do this, then I can't trust her in __ either", "What a let down she is!", "What good is she if she can't follow through in this?" ...seriously. I have these thoughts everywhere I go, with every single person I come in contact with... perhaps I am an introvert simply because I don't want to see how many people I could possibly let down & disappoint. perhaps I even hate social media because it reminds me of the sheer number of "friends" I've let down over the years & disappointed more than once.
I feel so trapped by these thoughts. I feel dead-ended & most of it is my own doings... which deepens the offense of disappointment: in myself. And the one person everyone keeps telling me that can get me out of it is still another person. another relationship with the even larger potential for being a disappointment & "let down"... wow, this post just took a different turn than I was expecting... and I have to go. I promise to revisit it later.
Perhaps its from my few years of being a wife & mother... but it's almost like my heart & soul knew what it consisted of & looked like but my head tends to be the "boss" when it comes to my day-in-day-out thoughts. This morning, for probably Spirit reasons, the realities in my heart touched upon my analytical mind.
Love is the day-in-day-out, laying-down, giving up, and getting-out-of-my-own-way for others.
I may be married to that person, I may be their mother, I may be their daughter by blood or marriage, I may be their neighbor across the street or across an ocean. I may not know them or I may see them every week. I may know their "story", go to church with them, or work with them....
If that is what true love is (or at least part of it), then I am quite guilty of simply loving those who love me back or those with whom I feel can or would return the sacrifice that it is.... but love is not just a feeling or a favor. It is so simple, yet deep that it seems as thought it is very complicated.
I have somehow numbed myself to seeing people the way God sees them... I made Jesus an abstract theology that I cling too... rather than get into the complicated, messiness that most of my relationship seem to turn out as. I've burned so many friendships by simply giving up or not knowing how to continue them. I've isolated & confused others who wanted to be my friends. I also tend to make the people I really truly LIKE the "dumping grounds" for my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, mistakes, & questions... almost like I'm seeing if they actually want to stick around if they knew what I thought & how I behave.
Realizing that all my faith is based on a real, living person? It scares me. I so badly don't want to "screw it up" or "let Him down" or ...or... the worst thing I've done in so many of my other relationships: disappoint. :-( I guess I've always secretly believed that my parents are disappointed in my life choices after college -namely my marriage. I believe that my in-laws are disappointed that I turned out to be an ungrateful, spiteful, messy, overly emotional, & naive girl (instead of the asset that their son married "up"to in the beginning). I believe that my childhood friends & church family & extended family are completely disappointed in me not returning to Hawaii or obeying my parents wishes or fulfilling my family's expectations in ministry & back to my continually sacrificing parents. I believe my siblings -especially my brothers- are disappointed in me. I've let down so many of my college friends that none of them have tried to continue what friendships I thought we had... I can actually remember almost every time that I have let down or disappointed someone & the feeling of complete & total feeling of being a failure. As much as I want to impress people & be seen as a success or as a loving, caring, hard-worker... my biggest goal in life seems to be to NOT disappoint people -especially the ones I truly love & want to be loved by. :-(
I absolutely HATE the drop in my stomach, the sadness in their eyes, the feeling of throwing up, the pinched lips or sighs on their mouths.... and ultimately the thoughts & feelings I assume must be going on inside their hearts & minds. I can almost hear them saying "I can't believe she just did that!", "Guess I can't rely on her anymore", "If she can't be trusted to do this, then I can't trust her in __ either", "What a let down she is!", "What good is she if she can't follow through in this?" ...seriously. I have these thoughts everywhere I go, with every single person I come in contact with... perhaps I am an introvert simply because I don't want to see how many people I could possibly let down & disappoint. perhaps I even hate social media because it reminds me of the sheer number of "friends" I've let down over the years & disappointed more than once.
I feel so trapped by these thoughts. I feel dead-ended & most of it is my own doings... which deepens the offense of disappointment: in myself. And the one person everyone keeps telling me that can get me out of it is still another person. another relationship with the even larger potential for being a disappointment & "let down"... wow, this post just took a different turn than I was expecting... and I have to go. I promise to revisit it later.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
faith·ful
adjective:
1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.
2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends.
4. reliable, trusted, or believed.
5. adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.
In beginning this search, I start with the dictionary definition. My assumption & initial understanding of "faithful" largely being understood as the first 4 definitions -all actions or outcomes of behavior, choices, & circumstances. It was the last one that really caught me off guard and while the definition calls it an adjective, the essence for me as a Christ-follower makes it more of a noun. I want to live by what is true -the ultimate standard; The Original child of God. I want my life to be an "accurate account" and faithful copy of Jesus Christ. Just typing that seems too lofty, to impossible, almost sacrilegious. It sends chills down my spine & makes all my hair stand on end. Me sinful, pathetic, wimpy me?! Be like the perfect, strong, powerful Jesus Christ of the Bible?!
Dictionary.com actually listed this at the very bottom of the page:
Biblical Definition (via Dictionary.com)
as a designation of Christians, means full of faith, trustful, and not simply trustworthy (Acts 10:45; 16:1; 2 Cor. 6:15; Col. 1:2; 1 Tim. 4:3, 12; 5:16; 6:2; Titus 1:6; Eph. 1:1; 1 Cor. 4:17, etc.). It is used also of God's word or covenant as true and to be trusted (Ps. 119:86, 138; Isa. 25:1; 1 Tim. 1:15; Rev. 21:5; 22:6, etc.).
Again, God's Word (Jesus Christ, the Living Word) is the essence of faithfulness & we are called to be likewise. That's really heavy.
I need to think through that a bit but I do want to put up 2 verses that keep coming back to me:
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9
He that is faithful with little things is faithful with big things also. He that is not honest with little things is not honest with big things. Luke 16:10
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Failing
I hate the word failure. It makes me cringe. I despise the way it makes me feel & I have enormous wars within myself about what it "makes me" when do [fail] in some way. Society even tries to make light of it when people make a funny mistake or do something simply stupid by saying "major fail" or the like.
I still hate the word.
A few years ago, I started to read the book Failing Forward by John Maxwell and yes: I failed to finish reading it. :-( But what I do remember about it was that people can choose to take failures & label themselves by them ("I am a failure.") OR see them as isolated moments & incidences from which to learn from & grow in.
I find myself very stubbornly still in the first camp, unfortunately. I tell myself that I can do better & will to better in the future.... then I screw up again somehow & my brain does some math: 1 failure + 1 failure + 1 failure = complete failure.
At that point, all I want to do is cry & be held & told that I'm not a failure. :-(
For some reason, this time in my life it seems so easy to get stuck into a hole of catch-up, failing, & burn-out. I really thought I was an organized person. I really thought that I was a good student. But now I'm so scared of not doing 'my best' like I was in cc & Bible college. I've never known how or ever let myself only give "just enough" for a passing grade. It's seriously messing with my head when a subject that would normally excite, engage, & enthrall my attention is stressing me out so much that I want to pull my hair out & quit something for the first time in my life!
The most ridiculous part of it all is that according to my known scores: I am passing.
It was drilled so deep into my brain & heart that "just passing" was completely unacceptable & just as bad as "failing." I don't know how to get this unrealistic (at this specific point in my life) expectation out of my thinking.
Perhaps it's something that I've never thought about praying & releasing to God because it was suppose to be "my work", "my effort", "my achievement." I guess I look back at all my educational pursuits & take all the credit (with the exceptions of when my dad insisted on editing my papers or doing my research). :-/ That's stupid. For all that "knowledge" I really don't use much of it. Whatever I "learned" was simply for finding favor with people that I felt, saw, or was told was important -family, teachers, friends... and somewhere in there I was "honoring God." I will say that I know my quiet times during Bible college are sweet, tender, & emotional memories ...that I find hard to tap into now. they are almost bittersweet. but i didn't learn how to relate with people. i armed myself with knowledge & scripture so much that i became unapproachable, self-righteous, hyper-judgmental, & full of self-pity (or loathing). i feel like i pleased my parents by getting 'their' degrees but failed them as a daughter by forcing their-hands in my desire to get married. i'm afraid to talk to them about certain things because i'm afraid they won't accept me or will fear for my sanity or salvation. i'm afraid to talk to my in-laws because i'm realizing how ungrateful & bitter i probably came across to them in my years of living under their roof on their charity. i am so afraid of opening up to someone new because they will see how much i don't pray or read the Bible any more or trust God & witness to others. i'm afraid of getting close to someone & then letting them down... just like with my siblings. one of them is battling depression now. :-( what do i have to offer anyone? I use to sing & dance. I use to create & plan. I use to explore & serve. I use to praise, worship, & have joy.
what happened?
I still hate the word.
A few years ago, I started to read the book Failing Forward by John Maxwell and yes: I failed to finish reading it. :-( But what I do remember about it was that people can choose to take failures & label themselves by them ("I am a failure.") OR see them as isolated moments & incidences from which to learn from & grow in.
I find myself very stubbornly still in the first camp, unfortunately. I tell myself that I can do better & will to better in the future.... then I screw up again somehow & my brain does some math: 1 failure + 1 failure + 1 failure = complete failure.
At that point, all I want to do is cry & be held & told that I'm not a failure. :-(
For some reason, this time in my life it seems so easy to get stuck into a hole of catch-up, failing, & burn-out. I really thought I was an organized person. I really thought that I was a good student. But now I'm so scared of not doing 'my best' like I was in cc & Bible college. I've never known how or ever let myself only give "just enough" for a passing grade. It's seriously messing with my head when a subject that would normally excite, engage, & enthrall my attention is stressing me out so much that I want to pull my hair out & quit something for the first time in my life!
The most ridiculous part of it all is that according to my known scores: I am passing.
It was drilled so deep into my brain & heart that "just passing" was completely unacceptable & just as bad as "failing." I don't know how to get this unrealistic (at this specific point in my life) expectation out of my thinking.
Perhaps it's something that I've never thought about praying & releasing to God because it was suppose to be "my work", "my effort", "my achievement." I guess I look back at all my educational pursuits & take all the credit (with the exceptions of when my dad insisted on editing my papers or doing my research). :-/ That's stupid. For all that "knowledge" I really don't use much of it. Whatever I "learned" was simply for finding favor with people that I felt, saw, or was told was important -family, teachers, friends... and somewhere in there I was "honoring God." I will say that I know my quiet times during Bible college are sweet, tender, & emotional memories ...that I find hard to tap into now. they are almost bittersweet. but i didn't learn how to relate with people. i armed myself with knowledge & scripture so much that i became unapproachable, self-righteous, hyper-judgmental, & full of self-pity (or loathing). i feel like i pleased my parents by getting 'their' degrees but failed them as a daughter by forcing their-hands in my desire to get married. i'm afraid to talk to them about certain things because i'm afraid they won't accept me or will fear for my sanity or salvation. i'm afraid to talk to my in-laws because i'm realizing how ungrateful & bitter i probably came across to them in my years of living under their roof on their charity. i am so afraid of opening up to someone new because they will see how much i don't pray or read the Bible any more or trust God & witness to others. i'm afraid of getting close to someone & then letting them down... just like with my siblings. one of them is battling depression now. :-( what do i have to offer anyone? I use to sing & dance. I use to create & plan. I use to explore & serve. I use to praise, worship, & have joy.
what happened?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
New Month
I love the Fall! "Autumn" If I had another girl I just might name her Autumn… or perhaps that will be the name of my future horse! I love the month of September, too. well, love & hate. it's the start of school. no explanation needed there. it's the end of summer & beginning of autumn. summer is fun for outdoors activities, but it's almost an expectation that you will be outdoors all the time. in autumn, it's oftentimes warm enough to be outside, but more than acceptable to remain indoors with a good book or cup of tea. i guess i'm more of a homebody that i previously thought! it's my birthday & anniversary month. it's the beginning of life groups @ church, new gym schedules, & updated library events. The colors, the smells, the views, the weather, the social atmosphere, the types of food being harvested, the decor, the clothes, the warmth! Yes, I love this time of the year!
Monday, August 27, 2012
End of the month
It's the last week of the month, I found a different outlet for my semi-daily journal entries. I'll keep using that for the upkeep of my journaling skills, but here will be summaries of thoughts, ideas, "big" stories, & the like.
I realized that I somewhat petered off on my journaling consistency by the third week- with only a few sentences just to show something on the overall calendar. I also realized that the actual accounts were usually in 3 to 4 day chunks, unless I got so busy (like this last weekend) that each day simply got one line.
Now this is the first week of me going back to school. I will hopefully get together a whole packet of things for the girls to do when I have to study or when James will be in charge of watching them. It's been a whirl-wind of a month, but I've learned a lot and am ready for the "season of learning" -Autumn. Time for rain, turning leaves, harvest time, new school supplies, & extra layers of clothes. And especially the colors! Gold, red, orange, yellow, & brown.
I realized that I somewhat petered off on my journaling consistency by the third week- with only a few sentences just to show something on the overall calendar. I also realized that the actual accounts were usually in 3 to 4 day chunks, unless I got so busy (like this last weekend) that each day simply got one line.
Now this is the first week of me going back to school. I will hopefully get together a whole packet of things for the girls to do when I have to study or when James will be in charge of watching them. It's been a whirl-wind of a month, but I've learned a lot and am ready for the "season of learning" -Autumn. Time for rain, turning leaves, harvest time, new school supplies, & extra layers of clothes. And especially the colors! Gold, red, orange, yellow, & brown.
Monday, August 6, 2012
New Week
It is Monday. I skipped writing on Sunday as I chose to make it a day of rest.
Rather than try to remember & relay all the specific details of two days, I will simply mention that the Drill weekend went as all the previous ones did -uneventful & with some amount of injustice (albeit less this time) received. I babysat yet another neighbor-girlfriend's kids for their date night (my complete & total choice) which allowed my girls no end of fun & learning to interact with other people. For the most part, it is really just letting them play with minimal interference from myself. I make sure they are fed & concluded the meal with a movie. Luckily, the guest selected movies that my girls were either unfamiliar with or absolutely loved. My youngest uncharacteristically wet herself, stripped (with the guests there), & proceeded to color herself with markers. Quite flustered & a litte more than irritated, brought her immediately up for a bath. Saturday night even gave me a better idea of what it would be like if I had 4 kids with differing personalities. Their parents picked them up late & my hubby decided to reach "level 50" on his online LotR character. I on the other hand turned in early after finishing up a light beer.
Sunday morning I woke up feeling heavy & groggy. I slept well (thanks to the beer) but could just barely pull myself up & clear my head to shower with my hubby as he rushed to get ready for his last Drill day. As soon as he was off (I finally remembered to make Banana Muffins with the girls on Saturday morning) with breakfast to go with his coffee, I crashed back into bed & got a few more moments of sleep before both of the kiddos came & joined me. Once attempted sleep became fruitless, we got up watched The Lion King, ate, bathed my oldest, & quickly dressed for church. We made it in pretty good time & I even got a compliment on the behavior of my daughters in their 3's&4's Sunday school class. The message was on a particularly difficult passage (Luke 16) but didn't fail to give life & a powerful reminder to be a good steward of all that the Lord has blessed me with in this life. I wish my husband had been there, but in some ways, I was almost better able to focus without his physical presence to distract me.
As I mentioned earlier, we really just used Sunday to rest & relax. I finished Dracula. We napped; I did light cleaning; we "loafed." Selah seems to be going through a "phase" I think I will call Preschool PMS. I'm not sure what is going on in her little head, but after her Daddy returned from concluding his Drill weekend, everything about her usual calm, "big-girl" attitude & mentality went down the drain. She soiled her clothes so many times in so many different places around the house that I am still trying to find all of them! After soiling her clothes, she would strip down naked until her sister would come to notify me. She also continued to draw on herself, toys, & furniture! My husband was finishing a Nexflix movie while I had begun the task of sorting all the paperwork buildup on his desk from the summer. I was rather disheartened as she had been doing so well for almost a full month!
We had baked potatoes with shredded cheese, baked broccoli, & I baked some bacon to dice & top the potatoes. I returned to finish up the filing in the office, but was constantly interrupted by the girls & the fact that my husband had pretty much given up on the dull task. It all came to a head when I started upstairs & found wet poop streaks on the tile floor of our entryway!!! After a hot wash down, discipline with lecture, new clothes, & clean up, our youngest was sadly & immediately sent to bed. Shortly later, I followed up in getting the older child (normally the "trouble-maker", but pleasantly complacent) dress & ready for bed, too. I laid by both just a bit longer... wondering if my youngest was acting up because of all the traffic that had been going on in her home -she can be quite the introvert. With her dad gone, new kids over every evening, & late bedtimes she was probably just needing some extra attention. My oldest thrives on action, people, & activities to keep her constantly occupied. She also does a wonderful job of being an "open book" about her emotions, mind, & physical state. Her little sister, not so much. She is much more of an observer, reserved, & easily distracted ...unless of course her mind does get made up & she iron-grips onto the completion/acceptance/permission of that decision. It's in those moments that the combination of stubbornness & strong-will of her 2 first-born parents are manifested in all their terrifying & intense realities.
Back to the day's events. Once I was convince the two of them were not getting up, we decided to watch Leverage (another couple favorite of ours). Lots of fun & good laughter had there! After it finished, I headed to bed while my husband returned to his online game.
I guess I have to mention that I started a new game, for my brother Justin's sake, called Dragonvale. It's slightly entertaining & pretty simple but I have been tending to it off & on the last 2 days. :-p
Rather than try to remember & relay all the specific details of two days, I will simply mention that the Drill weekend went as all the previous ones did -uneventful & with some amount of injustice (albeit less this time) received. I babysat yet another neighbor-girlfriend's kids for their date night (my complete & total choice) which allowed my girls no end of fun & learning to interact with other people. For the most part, it is really just letting them play with minimal interference from myself. I make sure they are fed & concluded the meal with a movie. Luckily, the guest selected movies that my girls were either unfamiliar with or absolutely loved. My youngest uncharacteristically wet herself, stripped (with the guests there), & proceeded to color herself with markers. Quite flustered & a litte more than irritated, brought her immediately up for a bath. Saturday night even gave me a better idea of what it would be like if I had 4 kids with differing personalities. Their parents picked them up late & my hubby decided to reach "level 50" on his online LotR character. I on the other hand turned in early after finishing up a light beer.
Sunday morning I woke up feeling heavy & groggy. I slept well (thanks to the beer) but could just barely pull myself up & clear my head to shower with my hubby as he rushed to get ready for his last Drill day. As soon as he was off (I finally remembered to make Banana Muffins with the girls on Saturday morning) with breakfast to go with his coffee, I crashed back into bed & got a few more moments of sleep before both of the kiddos came & joined me. Once attempted sleep became fruitless, we got up watched The Lion King, ate, bathed my oldest, & quickly dressed for church. We made it in pretty good time & I even got a compliment on the behavior of my daughters in their 3's&4's Sunday school class. The message was on a particularly difficult passage (Luke 16) but didn't fail to give life & a powerful reminder to be a good steward of all that the Lord has blessed me with in this life. I wish my husband had been there, but in some ways, I was almost better able to focus without his physical presence to distract me.
As I mentioned earlier, we really just used Sunday to rest & relax. I finished Dracula. We napped; I did light cleaning; we "loafed." Selah seems to be going through a "phase" I think I will call Preschool PMS. I'm not sure what is going on in her little head, but after her Daddy returned from concluding his Drill weekend, everything about her usual calm, "big-girl" attitude & mentality went down the drain. She soiled her clothes so many times in so many different places around the house that I am still trying to find all of them! After soiling her clothes, she would strip down naked until her sister would come to notify me. She also continued to draw on herself, toys, & furniture! My husband was finishing a Nexflix movie while I had begun the task of sorting all the paperwork buildup on his desk from the summer. I was rather disheartened as she had been doing so well for almost a full month!
We had baked potatoes with shredded cheese, baked broccoli, & I baked some bacon to dice & top the potatoes. I returned to finish up the filing in the office, but was constantly interrupted by the girls & the fact that my husband had pretty much given up on the dull task. It all came to a head when I started upstairs & found wet poop streaks on the tile floor of our entryway!!! After a hot wash down, discipline with lecture, new clothes, & clean up, our youngest was sadly & immediately sent to bed. Shortly later, I followed up in getting the older child (normally the "trouble-maker", but pleasantly complacent) dress & ready for bed, too. I laid by both just a bit longer... wondering if my youngest was acting up because of all the traffic that had been going on in her home -she can be quite the introvert. With her dad gone, new kids over every evening, & late bedtimes she was probably just needing some extra attention. My oldest thrives on action, people, & activities to keep her constantly occupied. She also does a wonderful job of being an "open book" about her emotions, mind, & physical state. Her little sister, not so much. She is much more of an observer, reserved, & easily distracted ...unless of course her mind does get made up & she iron-grips onto the completion/acceptance/permission of that decision. It's in those moments that the combination of stubbornness & strong-will of her 2 first-born parents are manifested in all their terrifying & intense realities.
Back to the day's events. Once I was convince the two of them were not getting up, we decided to watch Leverage (another couple favorite of ours). Lots of fun & good laughter had there! After it finished, I headed to bed while my husband returned to his online game.
I guess I have to mention that I started a new game, for my brother Justin's sake, called Dragonvale. It's slightly entertaining & pretty simple but I have been tending to it off & on the last 2 days. :-p
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Posting
I doubt that anyone wants to read such droll entries about my life, but I am finding it a much more satisfying & gratifying way to fill the "lulling" moments of my day. It seems to be fitting in later & later in the day, but I see it as something to "look forward to" and thus getting through my household tasks earlier & earlier in the day. I've also found myself using social media (mostly Facebook) less ...as I'd hate to keep including it in my "daily happenings." :-p
I also keep wondering if it has any helpful aspect towards my overall memory, journal blogging that is .... forcing me to recall even mediocre moments of the day before. I have yet to include any dialogue or even conversations, but perhaps that will come with time & practice? surely there are things said, read, or heard which are worth recording & remembering each day?! I shutter at the the wastefulness of days gone by with nothing to remember but actions. Language & words, conversation & literature are quite important in legacy making & character guiding. I do believe that "actions speak louder than words" but even the Lord gave us His Words to study & treasure in our hearts.
On that note, I just want to remark at the surprising amount of references to God, His Words, Heaven, & Christ that are mentioned in Dracula! So much of the despair, the actual tragedy, the hunt, the chase, & ultimate climax/conclusion of the story hinges on the religious beliefs of those intimately involved. And, oh my goodness! Mina Harker is a new fictional heroine to me.... There is so much honor, purpose, & righteous struggle in this classic & original tale regarding vampires than the flighty, emotionally-overwrought stories of my current culture. (Within Dracula) Vampires are to be properly feared, not infatuated with; pitied, not envied as a way "out" of morally bound humanity, & horrifically but rightfully freed from their demonic oppression & possession because of their horrific deeds for their selfish, base survival.
But then again, I am a "happily-ever-after" sort of person.... so I won't judge others who do like the current versions & fascinations of present-day vampires. ...I'll just be ever bewildered & "creeped out" about said infatuations. ;-)
I also keep wondering if it has any helpful aspect towards my overall memory, journal blogging that is .... forcing me to recall even mediocre moments of the day before. I have yet to include any dialogue or even conversations, but perhaps that will come with time & practice? surely there are things said, read, or heard which are worth recording & remembering each day?! I shutter at the the wastefulness of days gone by with nothing to remember but actions. Language & words, conversation & literature are quite important in legacy making & character guiding. I do believe that "actions speak louder than words" but even the Lord gave us His Words to study & treasure in our hearts.
On that note, I just want to remark at the surprising amount of references to God, His Words, Heaven, & Christ that are mentioned in Dracula! So much of the despair, the actual tragedy, the hunt, the chase, & ultimate climax/conclusion of the story hinges on the religious beliefs of those intimately involved. And, oh my goodness! Mina Harker is a new fictional heroine to me.... There is so much honor, purpose, & righteous struggle in this classic & original tale regarding vampires than the flighty, emotionally-overwrought stories of my current culture. (Within Dracula) Vampires are to be properly feared, not infatuated with; pitied, not envied as a way "out" of morally bound humanity, & horrifically but rightfully freed from their demonic oppression & possession because of their horrific deeds for their selfish, base survival.
But then again, I am a "happily-ever-after" sort of person.... so I won't judge others who do like the current versions & fascinations of present-day vampires. ...I'll just be ever bewildered & "creeped out" about said infatuations. ;-)
Weekend
Yesterday was one of those dull days that could make for quite a boring entry. Nonetheless, here I go.
I woke up to my alarm @ 6AM but left my husband to wake up & get going to his Drill. For some reason, I am getting this morning & yesterday quite confused. I'm pretty sure that he overslept & I rushed about emptying his car of the carseats & various paperwork that needed to be refiled. Both girls were still sleeping when he finally departed. My oldest awoke & we sat cuddling in a sun-bathed kitchen chair. Rather than speed my way through what I assumed was going to be a long day, I opted to simply enjoy my joyful 4 year old's presence by gently combing through her "bed-head" hair & gleaning whatever thoughts came to her lips. It was a tender few moments & one I hope she will not too soon forget. The "baby" woke up shortly after & I tried to cuddle too, but she was hungry & the oldest wanted to get dressed.
The rest of the day really did pass with me mostly cleaning (lots of vacuuming), getting the girls to help me clean, them playing on the deck & in their room, folding laundry, having lunch, & all the while, me attentively listening to the audio book of Dracula. It is the last aspect that I think makes yesterday such a blur. The house is cleaner, the kids were dressed, fed, entertained, & tasks were done... but my mind was truly on the narrative & following such an engrossing classic story. I do know that I had to put it temporarily away about 3PM for I had agreed to babysit my neighbor-girlfriend's children that afternoon-evening. I got my kiddos down for their naps & re-confirmed my services to my neighbor via text. Almost a full half hour after their expected time, my girls woke up & their family arrived apologizing & explaining that their little boy had fallen down some steps just as they were leaving. Assuring that he was alright & returning across the street for some footwear for their pj-wearing child, they finally headed out for some couple time at the local mall.
I gave the kids all the freedom to do a number of activities while I finished folding a clean laundry load. I put dinner in & on the oven (Shoyu Chicken, white rice, & baked broccoli) & we then took our German Shepherd out for some fetch in at the neighborhood dog park. After each kids had their turn throwing her toys, we returned to our house for more play while I got dinner served. Dinner was mostly a success & after the promise of ice cream for anyone who finished their whole plate, I helped them to select a movie. My territorial (oldest) child pouted much after the eldest guest selected Bolt for the evening entertainment. The ice cream was to be served after the movie. Within 10 minutes of the actual movie beginning, all the children were quietly enraptured in the story & I had time to clean up the kitchen, put away clothes, & while continuing Dracula.
My uniformed husband returned home, joined me for dinner, & went upstairs to change into "civi's" (civilian clothes). Bolt was reunited with Penny (the conclusion of the movie) & the ice cream was served. My husband went down to his office while I played some of the special features of the Blu-ray for the kids. Once bordem set in, I had the kids read books until their parents returned. The couple returned, their kids said their farewells, & we worked to get our munchkins to bed, too.
After the bedtime rituals & countless "goodnights", my husband selected a Netflix movie for the evening. I missed most of the first 20 minutes helping the girls "go potty", getting the old crib mattress out for the "scared" little one who had decided something was wrong with her new bed, reprimanding, & essentially issuing threats of punishment for further bedtime rule breakage. For missing so much, my husband & I still enjoyed Immortals, giving it a good rating & then heading to bed.
I woke up to my alarm @ 6AM but left my husband to wake up & get going to his Drill. For some reason, I am getting this morning & yesterday quite confused. I'm pretty sure that he overslept & I rushed about emptying his car of the carseats & various paperwork that needed to be refiled. Both girls were still sleeping when he finally departed. My oldest awoke & we sat cuddling in a sun-bathed kitchen chair. Rather than speed my way through what I assumed was going to be a long day, I opted to simply enjoy my joyful 4 year old's presence by gently combing through her "bed-head" hair & gleaning whatever thoughts came to her lips. It was a tender few moments & one I hope she will not too soon forget. The "baby" woke up shortly after & I tried to cuddle too, but she was hungry & the oldest wanted to get dressed.
The rest of the day really did pass with me mostly cleaning (lots of vacuuming), getting the girls to help me clean, them playing on the deck & in their room, folding laundry, having lunch, & all the while, me attentively listening to the audio book of Dracula. It is the last aspect that I think makes yesterday such a blur. The house is cleaner, the kids were dressed, fed, entertained, & tasks were done... but my mind was truly on the narrative & following such an engrossing classic story. I do know that I had to put it temporarily away about 3PM for I had agreed to babysit my neighbor-girlfriend's children that afternoon-evening. I got my kiddos down for their naps & re-confirmed my services to my neighbor via text. Almost a full half hour after their expected time, my girls woke up & their family arrived apologizing & explaining that their little boy had fallen down some steps just as they were leaving. Assuring that he was alright & returning across the street for some footwear for their pj-wearing child, they finally headed out for some couple time at the local mall.
I gave the kids all the freedom to do a number of activities while I finished folding a clean laundry load. I put dinner in & on the oven (Shoyu Chicken, white rice, & baked broccoli) & we then took our German Shepherd out for some fetch in at the neighborhood dog park. After each kids had their turn throwing her toys, we returned to our house for more play while I got dinner served. Dinner was mostly a success & after the promise of ice cream for anyone who finished their whole plate, I helped them to select a movie. My territorial (oldest) child pouted much after the eldest guest selected Bolt for the evening entertainment. The ice cream was to be served after the movie. Within 10 minutes of the actual movie beginning, all the children were quietly enraptured in the story & I had time to clean up the kitchen, put away clothes, & while continuing Dracula.
My uniformed husband returned home, joined me for dinner, & went upstairs to change into "civi's" (civilian clothes). Bolt was reunited with Penny (the conclusion of the movie) & the ice cream was served. My husband went down to his office while I played some of the special features of the Blu-ray for the kids. Once bordem set in, I had the kids read books until their parents returned. The couple returned, their kids said their farewells, & we worked to get our munchkins to bed, too.
After the bedtime rituals & countless "goodnights", my husband selected a Netflix movie for the evening. I missed most of the first 20 minutes helping the girls "go potty", getting the old crib mattress out for the "scared" little one who had decided something was wrong with her new bed, reprimanding, & essentially issuing threats of punishment for further bedtime rule breakage. For missing so much, my husband & I still enjoyed Immortals, giving it a good rating & then heading to bed.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Driving
My husband has to be gone for most of the weekend (including Friday) but he took an intentional day off work yesterday to make sure that I had some key things that I've been needing for a while now. We've moved around so much in our almost 6 years of marriage, but I've managed to retain the same driver's license the entire time (even up to a year longer than suppose to BECAUSE of all our moving & the fact that a military ID can often take the place of the usual "photo ID" requirements). I finally relinquished ownership of that well-used piece of plastic for a newer, updated one yesterday! =) After finishing my entry for Wednesday on Thursday morning (which I'm finding is more realistic & helpful than doing the night of the actual day), I got up & did my best to get my husband awake & ready for the day. I understood that this was his only day to "sleep in" because of his weekend duties, but I've yet to find a way to deal with the nervous energy that I build up when watching the sun climb higher in the sky & another mealtime skips by & I still feel unproductive as I wait. So I wrote 2 blog entries. :-p lol.
We finally showered & ate some leftover pancakes while I cleaned up the kitchen again & discussed the specific errands we had to do for the day. Drivers' license (since I wasn't the only one of the two of us who hadn't switched over to our new state of residence), title & tag registration of my vehicle, a regulation appropriate haircut, & desperately needed dishwasher detergent. Our new state has a TON of regulations & this wasn't our first attempt at the licenses. Nay! This was my FOURTH. I truly had been living the "3 strikes" you're out mentality, but this time we resolved to try a different location to see if it yielded better results. Before leaving, it took us about 2 hours of re-reviewing their requirements & gathering the needed paperwork like a pygmy trying to find water during the dry season -and I'm a pretty decent organizer when it comes to paperwork! As I mentioned earlier: it finally worked! :-D I think I deserve some sort of "well-prepared Mommy" award for not only keeping my girls relatively quiet but happily occupied AND fed during our almost 4 hour ordeal at the actual DMV! Praising the Lord even now that we had friendly, helpful, & even fun clerks to get what we needed! The car registering didn't happen but we will save $$ because of the advice of the clerk James got. :-)
We returned to the car all pretty hungry & looked for something we could all agree on in an area we didn't know very well. Remember, we went a little bit out of our way to avoid the other DMV that had given so much grief. ;-) An Old Country Buffet met our needs & gave us all some time to relax & unwind... so much so, that we had to keep reminding each other that is wasn't actually Saturday. lol! Suddenly, at least one very full school bus, of what we decided was a high school sports camp, of teenagers began flooding our peaceful, "off-hour" lunch/dinner, so we got back in our car to continue our errands.
We realized that time was getting short (I thought of all the "sleeping in" time that had eaten up so much of the day) & that it would be better to drop the kids & I at home while my husband received his "regulation" haircut. Once home, I chatted with my neighbor-friend that had been texting us about trading date-nights until her landlord arrived for a scheduled visit. Once in the house, I cleaned up a bit while the girls watched some tv. Daddy returned with 3 bags of cherries & the same desire as I did when he dropped us off -to just unwind and zone-out. :-) We settled down for some family viewing time with Wes & Travis from Common Law. Literally half way into the show, the husband remarked that Costco was closing in 30 mins. Rather than doing it by myself or staying at home with the kiddos, I told him that we could make it happen: we would go together. We immediately got up, got into the car, happily sang to Lion King & Tangled on the way, & enjoyed weaving our way through the quickly emptying aisles of Costco. We'd almost finished our trip when we remembered the dishwasher detergent! hehe... For simply recording our day, I feel it is important to interject how much I love shopping as a family. Yes, we do have some rotten ones, but for the most part I love the random spontaneity & jovial teasing from my husband, the enthusiastic input & "revelations" or "announcements" from our oldest, & the giggles or cute comments from our littlest. It fills my heart with so much joy to watch father & daughters playfully interact and to show off the love & joy that my husband & I have in each other to our daughters & the "world." :-)
Barely 5 minutes after leaving the parking lot, the girls were asleep & the hubby found a Disney reggae album on Mog that we listened to for 10 minutes in our driveway. The bathroom began "calling" me so we brought the girls up to their room, changed them into pjs, returned to the car to unload the groceries, put them away (I finally relieved myself), & we sat down again to finish our tv show. Once finished, we talked a bit about the busy day & headed to bed.
We finally showered & ate some leftover pancakes while I cleaned up the kitchen again & discussed the specific errands we had to do for the day. Drivers' license (since I wasn't the only one of the two of us who hadn't switched over to our new state of residence), title & tag registration of my vehicle, a regulation appropriate haircut, & desperately needed dishwasher detergent. Our new state has a TON of regulations & this wasn't our first attempt at the licenses. Nay! This was my FOURTH. I truly had been living the "3 strikes" you're out mentality, but this time we resolved to try a different location to see if it yielded better results. Before leaving, it took us about 2 hours of re-reviewing their requirements & gathering the needed paperwork like a pygmy trying to find water during the dry season -and I'm a pretty decent organizer when it comes to paperwork! As I mentioned earlier: it finally worked! :-D I think I deserve some sort of "well-prepared Mommy" award for not only keeping my girls relatively quiet but happily occupied AND fed during our almost 4 hour ordeal at the actual DMV! Praising the Lord even now that we had friendly, helpful, & even fun clerks to get what we needed! The car registering didn't happen but we will save $$ because of the advice of the clerk James got. :-)
We returned to the car all pretty hungry & looked for something we could all agree on in an area we didn't know very well. Remember, we went a little bit out of our way to avoid the other DMV that had given so much grief. ;-) An Old Country Buffet met our needs & gave us all some time to relax & unwind... so much so, that we had to keep reminding each other that is wasn't actually Saturday. lol! Suddenly, at least one very full school bus, of what we decided was a high school sports camp, of teenagers began flooding our peaceful, "off-hour" lunch/dinner, so we got back in our car to continue our errands.
We realized that time was getting short (I thought of all the "sleeping in" time that had eaten up so much of the day) & that it would be better to drop the kids & I at home while my husband received his "regulation" haircut. Once home, I chatted with my neighbor-friend that had been texting us about trading date-nights until her landlord arrived for a scheduled visit. Once in the house, I cleaned up a bit while the girls watched some tv. Daddy returned with 3 bags of cherries & the same desire as I did when he dropped us off -to just unwind and zone-out. :-) We settled down for some family viewing time with Wes & Travis from Common Law. Literally half way into the show, the husband remarked that Costco was closing in 30 mins. Rather than doing it by myself or staying at home with the kiddos, I told him that we could make it happen: we would go together. We immediately got up, got into the car, happily sang to Lion King & Tangled on the way, & enjoyed weaving our way through the quickly emptying aisles of Costco. We'd almost finished our trip when we remembered the dishwasher detergent! hehe... For simply recording our day, I feel it is important to interject how much I love shopping as a family. Yes, we do have some rotten ones, but for the most part I love the random spontaneity & jovial teasing from my husband, the enthusiastic input & "revelations" or "announcements" from our oldest, & the giggles or cute comments from our littlest. It fills my heart with so much joy to watch father & daughters playfully interact and to show off the love & joy that my husband & I have in each other to our daughters & the "world." :-)
Barely 5 minutes after leaving the parking lot, the girls were asleep & the hubby found a Disney reggae album on Mog that we listened to for 10 minutes in our driveway. The bathroom began "calling" me so we brought the girls up to their room, changed them into pjs, returned to the car to unload the groceries, put them away (I finally relieved myself), & we sat down again to finish our tv show. Once finished, we talked a bit about the busy day & headed to bed.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
New ideas, More questions
I am thinking that this diary entering might properly guilt me into better planning my days or at the very least cut-down on my more lazy moments.
As to my thoughts, right now I am wrestling through the idea of going back to school to get a Masters in Nursing. Despite having an AA & a BA, neither are very applicable in finding a job that would support me if -God forbid- something were to happen to my husband or his ability to provide for us. I think one of the biggest obstacles for me right now is the reality that pursuing more school now means not having more kids for quite a while. It saddens me. I want more kids. Not like my mother-in-law or sister-in-law... just one or two more. My heart just isn't ready to completely close that door. Even with an accelerated studies track, both girls will be well into elementary school by the time we could even "try" again. It wouldn't be right after the degree was achieved either -then there's the looking-for-an-actual job. Another aspect that I cringe at. Once the degree is in hand, the job secured -how in the world do you fit in the joy of pregnancy & enjoyment of infancy with all its beautiful, quickly passing milestones... milestones I wish I had been more available to enjoy in my last pregnancy... I want the freedom to be pregnant without having my mother or mother-in-law right at hand... In my mind, I suppose it's like the ultimate proof of motherhood & being a full-grown woman, to go through a pregnancy not feeling like I'm still just a child myself. But I know that it's exhausting. I know that it is taxing... I suppose that is why I want to have them now as I am younger/stronger & not as I am older in years.
Then I have the fear that I'm just not capable of rearing more than 2 kids right now... I question if I am adequately raising the ones I already have. I want to "try" for a boy. I truly did like the round 4-some of my siblings & I as we were growing up. We are all 2-3 years apart...
Should I be pursuing the furthering of my own personal interests & showing my girls that I too can & need to learn? Should I be sacrificing myself to the commitment to rear & raise more God-fearing people for this world?
I suppose I have an answer in just asking that last question. Perhaps for now, the ones that I am blessed with need more focus & intentional training in the Lord, His word, & "the way in which they should go." Perhaps they can learn more from my sacrifice of a bigger family & dedication to the challenge of using & refining the blessings & giftings given to us from the Lord. Undoubtably, I have been given the heart of a nurse. The touch of a comforter. The tender spirit of one who feels & see the pain of others & longs to ease & end it. Despite it's difficulty & demanding schedule, I would probably find much joy & fulfillment in the occupation & career of a nurse.
This will be my resolve for now. I will be taking 2 or 3 classes to refresh my student-mind & re-open the education door to this new path & journey I thought I had given up before I graduated from college. It will be hard. It will be challenging. It will be intense & laden with many trials. It will include math. It will require much & probably not give return immediately. It will probably end up being like a child, requiring much sacrifice, personal "deaths", energy, time, & money. But I already know that it's result will be a lifetime of constant reward, knowing that I am using the brain, body, & spirit granted to me....
I am scared. I am hesitant. I am doubtful. I am fearful of this new path. But the more I think through it: it is good. I have a loving, encouraging, extremely helpful husband who supports me & loves me. I have strong, independent daughters who can already take care of themselves in so many ways.... I suppose this really is the better time in life to pursue such a life-altering choice. Not later...
As to my thoughts, right now I am wrestling through the idea of going back to school to get a Masters in Nursing. Despite having an AA & a BA, neither are very applicable in finding a job that would support me if -God forbid- something were to happen to my husband or his ability to provide for us. I think one of the biggest obstacles for me right now is the reality that pursuing more school now means not having more kids for quite a while. It saddens me. I want more kids. Not like my mother-in-law or sister-in-law... just one or two more. My heart just isn't ready to completely close that door. Even with an accelerated studies track, both girls will be well into elementary school by the time we could even "try" again. It wouldn't be right after the degree was achieved either -then there's the looking-for-an-actual job. Another aspect that I cringe at. Once the degree is in hand, the job secured -how in the world do you fit in the joy of pregnancy & enjoyment of infancy with all its beautiful, quickly passing milestones... milestones I wish I had been more available to enjoy in my last pregnancy... I want the freedom to be pregnant without having my mother or mother-in-law right at hand... In my mind, I suppose it's like the ultimate proof of motherhood & being a full-grown woman, to go through a pregnancy not feeling like I'm still just a child myself. But I know that it's exhausting. I know that it is taxing... I suppose that is why I want to have them now as I am younger/stronger & not as I am older in years.
Then I have the fear that I'm just not capable of rearing more than 2 kids right now... I question if I am adequately raising the ones I already have. I want to "try" for a boy. I truly did like the round 4-some of my siblings & I as we were growing up. We are all 2-3 years apart...
Should I be pursuing the furthering of my own personal interests & showing my girls that I too can & need to learn? Should I be sacrificing myself to the commitment to rear & raise more God-fearing people for this world?
I suppose I have an answer in just asking that last question. Perhaps for now, the ones that I am blessed with need more focus & intentional training in the Lord, His word, & "the way in which they should go." Perhaps they can learn more from my sacrifice of a bigger family & dedication to the challenge of using & refining the blessings & giftings given to us from the Lord. Undoubtably, I have been given the heart of a nurse. The touch of a comforter. The tender spirit of one who feels & see the pain of others & longs to ease & end it. Despite it's difficulty & demanding schedule, I would probably find much joy & fulfillment in the occupation & career of a nurse.
This will be my resolve for now. I will be taking 2 or 3 classes to refresh my student-mind & re-open the education door to this new path & journey I thought I had given up before I graduated from college. It will be hard. It will be challenging. It will be intense & laden with many trials. It will include math. It will require much & probably not give return immediately. It will probably end up being like a child, requiring much sacrifice, personal "deaths", energy, time, & money. But I already know that it's result will be a lifetime of constant reward, knowing that I am using the brain, body, & spirit granted to me....
I am scared. I am hesitant. I am doubtful. I am fearful of this new path. But the more I think through it: it is good. I have a loving, encouraging, extremely helpful husband who supports me & loves me. I have strong, independent daughters who can already take care of themselves in so many ways.... I suppose this really is the better time in life to pursue such a life-altering choice. Not later...
New Month, New Ideas
So, it is a new month of this year & I've been listening to more books, spending more time with friends, keeping up with household tasks more to my liking, teaching my kiddos, & pursuing the possibility of my return to formal education. The current book that I am listening to (thanks to audible & my husband) is a compilation of peoples' journal & diary entries. One character in particular, Mina Hartka, actual writes that it's a good way to keep the mind sharp & the memory strong... as well as strengthen her writing skills. Its seems harmless enough & simple enough since all she does is report what happend in her day. It's a good way to finish the day & fill the downtimes in the evening. After all this resolve to start on a new day, I fell asleep before I entered a word. Thankfully, my hubby is not a morning person, so I can "catch up" on my new task till he wakes more calmly (our daughter just knocked, causing our dog to rapidly bark which jostled my husband straight up & out of a sound sleep).
My new task will be to simply record my/our goings on each day.
Yesterday, I had intended to attend my gym's 5:30AM class as I had on Tuesday, but failed to set my alarm the night before & was awakened as normal to the construction going on just outside our bedroom door around 7AM. The hubby & I showered (I forgot the towels), discussed our plans for the day while dressing, then greeted our girls. James was late & had to skip breakfast while I got the girls cereal, began washing dishes from the night before, & eating a banana. I continued to listen to my audio book while I tidied up. After a spat of disagreement, I got the girls in my car & went to the gym to take one of my favorite classes, a combination of yoga & Pilates they call Centergy. The girls stay in a daycare with other kids whose mom's are in the class or using the other equipment offered by the gym. It felt so good to stretch out after lifting weights earlier in the week. I followed up on proper form with the instructor & went to retrieve the girls. After another pleading to play a bit longer, I decided to run on the treadmill for 15min. before retrieving forgotten workout clothes for hubby. More resistance to leaving their playtime, we got the appropriate clothes (& I some Cheerios & almonds to stave off hunger) & drove to their Daddy's place of work & waited for 5 minutes till we realized that we had been waiting in the same parking lot @ different places. =)
Once back home, we made ham & cheese quesadillas for lunch, the girls snacking on applesauce with cinnamon first. I turned on the recording of the Olympics 2012 recap of Tuesday to see the Fabulous Five in each of their events & culminate in their winning the Gold as a team! Such a thrilling thing to see people at their best physicality, working together, & being rewarded before all. Both girls helped in spreading the cheeses for their quesadillas & I allowed them to eat on their new little Costco table in the living room to watch the Olympics with me. My oldest finished all her food, while I worked on my half burnt one, & the youngest played with hers. After ultimately dropping the slices I cut to make it easier for her, my youngest gave up & I bagged them for later. I had just decided that a nap was needed for attitudes & sanity's sake when their was a knock on the door. The girls' friend wanted to know if they could come out to play since they had been locked out of their house temporarily. I allowed my youngest out & explained that the older sister was in time out. With instructions that their mom needed to keep an out for my littlest was my only instruction, I returned to the couch with my oldest pouting on my lap. We watched Team USA receive their medals between Russia & China! USA women's gymnastics teams haven't won Gold since 1996 with the Fantastic Seven, including Kerri Strugg, the very team who secured my love for the Olympic games as a child! Not 10min. later, my neighbor-friend rang the doorbell & was holding my baby with a bloody knee & scratched forehead. Nothing big, but it gave me a chance to hear her plight of being locked out of her house while her night-shift-working hubby was sound asleep on the top floor of their 3-story town home. After an hour of fruitless attempts, she & her 3 kiddos were hot, tired, & just a hint of frustrated. My heart breaks at suffering of any kind and instantly responds especially if solutions or relief can be achieved immediately by myself. I got my girls down for naps & welcomed them inside. I got a sleeping spot prepared for her youngest, in our room. I restarted the Olympics recording for them while I got laundry started & we folded the first load together. I did dishes, turned over more laundry, & chatted off and on until our kiddos woke up & her husband finally woke up around 5ish. My hubby called to let me know he was off work & headed to his gym. I started to prepare dinner while my girls watched MouseTrap. After getting out all the ingredients for green, chicken, Thai curry, I realized that I had no coconut milk & prepared spagetti with tomato sauce for the girls & I. My hubby had leftover spiced pork tenderloin & scalloped potatoes. We watched Covert Affairs & then got into a discussion about President Obama, Mitt Romney, & the upcoming election. I eventually lost my cool & said we needed to get the girls to bed. I sat on the couch to cool down while my husband tucked them in, prayed with them, & waited until I joined them. We exchanged our ritualistic "hugs & kisses" & settled down beside my littlest for a few tracks on their well-loved, over-used Loving Lullabies CD & my hubby with our oldest. We got up, said goodnights & returned downstairs to the couch to continue our political discussion after my apologies for loosing control. We got weary of the topic & made some nachos. Once the cheeses were melted, he took his share downstair to his office where we talked about workouts, sore muscles, bills, & his current hobby -Lord of the Rings Online game. I applied some cream medication to the dark skin spots on his chest & back, followed up with a massage of his tender & sore muscles. I rotated the last clean but damp load of laundry to the dryer & headed upstairs for bed. Once in my room, I settled down to listen once again to my audio book until I realized that an entire chapter had passed & I had fallen asleep. I put everything away & intentionally returned to sleep before my hubby also climbed into bed later.
My new task will be to simply record my/our goings on each day.
Yesterday, I had intended to attend my gym's 5:30AM class as I had on Tuesday, but failed to set my alarm the night before & was awakened as normal to the construction going on just outside our bedroom door around 7AM. The hubby & I showered (I forgot the towels), discussed our plans for the day while dressing, then greeted our girls. James was late & had to skip breakfast while I got the girls cereal, began washing dishes from the night before, & eating a banana. I continued to listen to my audio book while I tidied up. After a spat of disagreement, I got the girls in my car & went to the gym to take one of my favorite classes, a combination of yoga & Pilates they call Centergy. The girls stay in a daycare with other kids whose mom's are in the class or using the other equipment offered by the gym. It felt so good to stretch out after lifting weights earlier in the week. I followed up on proper form with the instructor & went to retrieve the girls. After another pleading to play a bit longer, I decided to run on the treadmill for 15min. before retrieving forgotten workout clothes for hubby. More resistance to leaving their playtime, we got the appropriate clothes (& I some Cheerios & almonds to stave off hunger) & drove to their Daddy's place of work & waited for 5 minutes till we realized that we had been waiting in the same parking lot @ different places. =)
Once back home, we made ham & cheese quesadillas for lunch, the girls snacking on applesauce with cinnamon first. I turned on the recording of the Olympics 2012 recap of Tuesday to see the Fabulous Five in each of their events & culminate in their winning the Gold as a team! Such a thrilling thing to see people at their best physicality, working together, & being rewarded before all. Both girls helped in spreading the cheeses for their quesadillas & I allowed them to eat on their new little Costco table in the living room to watch the Olympics with me. My oldest finished all her food, while I worked on my half burnt one, & the youngest played with hers. After ultimately dropping the slices I cut to make it easier for her, my youngest gave up & I bagged them for later. I had just decided that a nap was needed for attitudes & sanity's sake when their was a knock on the door. The girls' friend wanted to know if they could come out to play since they had been locked out of their house temporarily. I allowed my youngest out & explained that the older sister was in time out. With instructions that their mom needed to keep an out for my littlest was my only instruction, I returned to the couch with my oldest pouting on my lap. We watched Team USA receive their medals between Russia & China! USA women's gymnastics teams haven't won Gold since 1996 with the Fantastic Seven, including Kerri Strugg, the very team who secured my love for the Olympic games as a child! Not 10min. later, my neighbor-friend rang the doorbell & was holding my baby with a bloody knee & scratched forehead. Nothing big, but it gave me a chance to hear her plight of being locked out of her house while her night-shift-working hubby was sound asleep on the top floor of their 3-story town home. After an hour of fruitless attempts, she & her 3 kiddos were hot, tired, & just a hint of frustrated. My heart breaks at suffering of any kind and instantly responds especially if solutions or relief can be achieved immediately by myself. I got my girls down for naps & welcomed them inside. I got a sleeping spot prepared for her youngest, in our room. I restarted the Olympics recording for them while I got laundry started & we folded the first load together. I did dishes, turned over more laundry, & chatted off and on until our kiddos woke up & her husband finally woke up around 5ish. My hubby called to let me know he was off work & headed to his gym. I started to prepare dinner while my girls watched MouseTrap. After getting out all the ingredients for green, chicken, Thai curry, I realized that I had no coconut milk & prepared spagetti with tomato sauce for the girls & I. My hubby had leftover spiced pork tenderloin & scalloped potatoes. We watched Covert Affairs & then got into a discussion about President Obama, Mitt Romney, & the upcoming election. I eventually lost my cool & said we needed to get the girls to bed. I sat on the couch to cool down while my husband tucked them in, prayed with them, & waited until I joined them. We exchanged our ritualistic "hugs & kisses" & settled down beside my littlest for a few tracks on their well-loved, over-used Loving Lullabies CD & my hubby with our oldest. We got up, said goodnights & returned downstairs to the couch to continue our political discussion after my apologies for loosing control. We got weary of the topic & made some nachos. Once the cheeses were melted, he took his share downstair to his office where we talked about workouts, sore muscles, bills, & his current hobby -Lord of the Rings Online game. I applied some cream medication to the dark skin spots on his chest & back, followed up with a massage of his tender & sore muscles. I rotated the last clean but damp load of laundry to the dryer & headed upstairs for bed. Once in my room, I settled down to listen once again to my audio book until I realized that an entire chapter had passed & I had fallen asleep. I put everything away & intentionally returned to sleep before my hubby also climbed into bed later.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Working
During a family walk last night, my husband asked me if it bothered me at all that I didn't have any real "marketable skills." While, yes, I do have 2 degrees (AA & BA), my work history is small & limited. I really haven't shown any initiative or even interest in finding work... Lord forbidding, if I were suddenly left with 2 little girls to take care of on my own, I honestly have no "contingency plan" other than returning to family. While I know either side would be more than willing to help, at almost 30 yrs. of age & two degrees, I ought to be able to at least get something before our life-insurance would run out. I only ever had 3 ambitions in childhood: overseas missionary, wife&mother, & nursing. At this point, leaving the country on my own with 2 little girls is really rather foolish if not impossible. I would probably remarry but I can't count on that happening or wanting it to happen depending on the circumstances. And at this point, starting a very time-consuming, physically-demanding career is not what our family needs right now.
What I do need is something to jump-start my desire to learn again. While I love my family, I really get bored of only looking forward to learning about new ways to feed, clothe, wash, & entertain my children. SO much time really just becomes tedious & unproductively repetitious. "Why bother washing the clothes I just folded yesterday again today?" "I just emptied the dishwasher of these dishes this morning..." "What did I do today? oh, vacuum the same strip of carpet from 2 days ago." Don't get me wrong, I do my household duites, but I really have NOTHING new from day to day. I interact with the same 3 people from morning till bedtime, with the occasional neighbor or two. I work out regularly with no other reason than a few hours away from my kids & to "keep up" with my husband. I have no friends at church, no ministry to pour time or energy or imagination into. I read 2 monthly magazines & watch tv series with my hubby for entertainment. I have no outlet to sing, dance, create, or play music. I live for "Date Night" but never seem to have anything worthwhile to share or bring for conversation. I really have nothing to look forward to or to use my quickly "rusting" skills, abilities, & talents.
In short, I need to find work. It is good to work. Depending on what I find, I can meet new people, learn new skills, get better at skill I have, and be an overall productive, contributing member of this family. I might get to use my gifts & talents, but more importantly, I can actually interact with people of differing, conflicting, or no faith. I can learn to actually "be a friend" & "be Jesus Christ" to others through quality work, perseverance, godly behavior, willing attitude, etc. Times with family will be more valuable & (hopefully) better planned & utilized.
I hate being a sloth. And I came to the ugly realization that I have been one for a while now. :-p Hoping to change this in the next month or so (after family comes to visit & James' schedule isn't so brimming with trainings, conferences, & travel.) Prayers MUCH appreciated & needed!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Jesus Christ
Who is He?
He was a man born of a virgin 2000+ years ago in a little town of Bethlehem in Israel. He was raised by a carpenter & mother in Egypt until the Roman-appointed king of Israel, who wanted him dead, had died. He had half-siblings & grew up in a small town in Galilee called Nazareth. He & his parents observed Jewish traditions like circumcision & celebrating the Passover in Jerusalem. He was confident enough to remain in the temple without his parents & wise to actual teach the teachers there. Very little was recorded about his childhood, "coming of age", & young adulthood. Records of him really don't reveal much about him until his 30's when he began publicly preaching & claiming his deity. He never married or had children. His first recorded miracle was changing water into wine @ a wedding. Many of his family members didn't start to believe in him fully until well-into his ministry & after his death & resurrection. He was often found with the sick, broken, poor, or shunned people. He owned very little, stayed in other peoples' homes, ate the food meant for the poor or whatever was given to Him, & traveled a lot to teach, preach to, & heal hundreds & thousands of people. He made friends by asking them to help him with his teaching, preaching, & helping others. He constantly surprised them by doing supernatural & controversial things. He taught meekness, humility, end-times, peace, forgiveness, righteousness, holiness, purity, & love. He upset the "status quo", challenged, & even condemned the religious "experts" of Judaism to the point of their obsessive desire to kill him. He said he was God & God's Son. He deeply loved & appreciated those who understood who he was & had faith in Him. He showed deep compassion & forgiveness. He healed "lost causes" & raised people from the dead. He touched disgusting, dying, & "sinful" people. He made powerful, absolute claims & backed them with century-old prophecies, miracles, love, truth, & ultimate passion by dying a criminal death after an unfair & illegal trial for people who mocked, doubted, betrayed, hated, & didn't even know him... all because he loved his Father & loved the people He had created. Because it was the only way that would repair the broken relationship between God & people. The break caused by the sin chosen by people & the ultimate holiness of God.
He was a man born of a virgin 2000+ years ago in a little town of Bethlehem in Israel. He was raised by a carpenter & mother in Egypt until the Roman-appointed king of Israel, who wanted him dead, had died. He had half-siblings & grew up in a small town in Galilee called Nazareth. He & his parents observed Jewish traditions like circumcision & celebrating the Passover in Jerusalem. He was confident enough to remain in the temple without his parents & wise to actual teach the teachers there. Very little was recorded about his childhood, "coming of age", & young adulthood. Records of him really don't reveal much about him until his 30's when he began publicly preaching & claiming his deity. He never married or had children. His first recorded miracle was changing water into wine @ a wedding. Many of his family members didn't start to believe in him fully until well-into his ministry & after his death & resurrection. He was often found with the sick, broken, poor, or shunned people. He owned very little, stayed in other peoples' homes, ate the food meant for the poor or whatever was given to Him, & traveled a lot to teach, preach to, & heal hundreds & thousands of people. He made friends by asking them to help him with his teaching, preaching, & helping others. He constantly surprised them by doing supernatural & controversial things. He taught meekness, humility, end-times, peace, forgiveness, righteousness, holiness, purity, & love. He upset the "status quo", challenged, & even condemned the religious "experts" of Judaism to the point of their obsessive desire to kill him. He said he was God & God's Son. He deeply loved & appreciated those who understood who he was & had faith in Him. He showed deep compassion & forgiveness. He healed "lost causes" & raised people from the dead. He touched disgusting, dying, & "sinful" people. He made powerful, absolute claims & backed them with century-old prophecies, miracles, love, truth, & ultimate passion by dying a criminal death after an unfair & illegal trial for people who mocked, doubted, betrayed, hated, & didn't even know him... all because he loved his Father & loved the people He had created. Because it was the only way that would repair the broken relationship between God & people. The break caused by the sin chosen by people & the ultimate holiness of God.
Tired of who I am
I am so weary of myself. I am so blessed, it's becoming commonplace. I am so provided for that I'm forgetting to take care of the things I have. I get so much & have so many options that I whine & complain & make excuses CONSTANTLY about what I don't have, don't want to do, can't do, have to do, what my kids & husband do or don't do... I have become so "Americanized" it makes me sick!
And I have no one to blame but myself. And I know it full well. On top of that I don't know how to get myself out of it.
Where do I start? I go to church & I even filled out their volunteer form. I called them a week before that... I have neighbors who seem to have it so "figured out" that I think they'd just laugh at me trying to find ways to "help" them. :-p
I feel so lost & aimless in life right now. I have so much but for what? My own consumption? I can only consume so much & I still feel "empty." I read my Bible. I pray. I take care of my kids. I spend time with my husband. But why? The only things I "look forward to" are weekend outings, family gatherings... being around people. I miss having friends that tell me when to "shape up" but will still be my friend & love me for who I am. I miss having friends to be silly & girly with but to also share my questions & struggles with. I share with my husband... but it's not the same. Guys are wired to "fix" things... Women just need to process things & be... feminine?
I don't have a schedule to follow. I tried to make those... they fail & leave me frustrated. I try to have a "flow" but then I'm left "to my own devices" & my selfishness kicks in. ...and now I'm making excuses again. How does one "grow up"? By just doing it? No one to "punish" or "reward" me but me (or my husband.... which shouldn't be his job. How do you teach initiative to your kids, when you don't know how to get it yourself?
I need something in my life to move me. Truly, intrinsically, passionately move me. I need true LIFE.
"I am The Way, The Truth, The Life. No one comes to the Father but through me." ~Jesus Christ
...I guess that's as good a place to start as any?
And I have no one to blame but myself. And I know it full well. On top of that I don't know how to get myself out of it.
Where do I start? I go to church & I even filled out their volunteer form. I called them a week before that... I have neighbors who seem to have it so "figured out" that I think they'd just laugh at me trying to find ways to "help" them. :-p
I feel so lost & aimless in life right now. I have so much but for what? My own consumption? I can only consume so much & I still feel "empty." I read my Bible. I pray. I take care of my kids. I spend time with my husband. But why? The only things I "look forward to" are weekend outings, family gatherings... being around people. I miss having friends that tell me when to "shape up" but will still be my friend & love me for who I am. I miss having friends to be silly & girly with but to also share my questions & struggles with. I share with my husband... but it's not the same. Guys are wired to "fix" things... Women just need to process things & be... feminine?
I don't have a schedule to follow. I tried to make those... they fail & leave me frustrated. I try to have a "flow" but then I'm left "to my own devices" & my selfishness kicks in. ...and now I'm making excuses again. How does one "grow up"? By just doing it? No one to "punish" or "reward" me but me (or my husband.... which shouldn't be his job. How do you teach initiative to your kids, when you don't know how to get it yourself?
I need something in my life to move me. Truly, intrinsically, passionately move me. I need true LIFE.
"I am The Way, The Truth, The Life. No one comes to the Father but through me." ~Jesus Christ
...I guess that's as good a place to start as any?
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