A Test... a few tests

So I've learned to say that "I'm glad that emotions aren't everything." I'm being put to the test yet again to see if I will put my trust in the truth and hope of my Lord Jesus Christ, instead of my fears of insecurity, inadequacy, and the unknown.  Anger, sadness, hopelessness, pain, vengefulness, jealousy, frustration... even happiness and pleasure cannot be the driving force in my quest for truth, healing, peace, love, purity, joy and maturity. I guess this whole time away from my husband and role of "only" parent have forced me to put aside my reactive emotions and even the deep seated ones... Where they come in appropriately is now so confusing. I was beginning to just tell myself that they get in the way and shouldn't play a part in my parenting or marriage. I feel split right now. I want to divulge in my emotions and satiate them with my questions and accusations.... but then I despise how they momentarily control me -mostly through anger- and wound my children, my family, and ultimately myself. I don't know how to trust myself. I want to trust Christ, but I find it very difficult to believe that I won't "take over" and "lash out." I've been slowly denying my flesh in some ways and fighting to place The Word and Christ in it's void. It's been such an uphill battle. Just when I think I've given over a weakness of mine, something/someone triggers my emotions like a knee-jerk or a backhanded slap across the face. I catch myself better now, but I'm still finding that I indulge in the emotion (negatively). I give in to laziness. I give in to apathy. I give in to anger. I give in to my "self." Lord? Is there anyway out of this vicious cycle? Am I actually getting anywhere in my relationship with You or anyone else? My brother is coming to me for advice and I keep thinking that I have something to offer all the single women here, but am I just being completely presumptuous and "full of my own understanding and self"? Can I actually completely die to myself this side of heaven?

Continue Praying

J is back from the mountains early. It wasn't something I was expecting, but I'm glad that God got to speak so clearly that J had to respond sooner than later. Sometimes He does answer our prayers "quickly."

We got to talk about an hour after I read a letter he sent me about the things God showed him and told Him he needed to do. It was good. I prayed for good things to come from this time and the beginning of good things came. It looks like the "good" parts will have to come after some very challenging, difficult, and even painful times first.  While I hate pain, every time I've experienced it, I've learned that I can first wallow in it till I carry a "chip on my shoulder" or become immobilized OR I can be brutally honest with God and a few trusted people and learn to lean and trust in God again. The "pain" of my break from my parents has taken around 5 years to bring me back into a healthy, growing relationship with my parents, but more importantly with God.

Day 3

It's interesting what even partial fasting does to the mind and heart. I realize that all the points and "resolves" that I had from my Bible study were starting to "wear off." :-( It's kinda discouraging, but in the same thought, God saw fit to place them back into my frontal memory at this time. Praise God!

Some of the things that I can immediately recall:
~Being mindful of my thoughts when I go to sleep
~Filling my mind with His Words first thing after I wake
~Reading stories of those who have lived "set apart lives," too
~Keeping the mindset that God is literally next to me at all times

Day 2

Second day of "fasting." I type it in quotes because fasting in a very uncontrolled situation, with guests and visits to other family members is pretty much impossible. After successfully fasting most of yesterday, I had an unexpected guest arrive in time for dinner. It would have been strange to feed my guest and then sit there and watch her eat. Today I made it through breakfast and almost through lunch, until we had to pay a visit to my dear Grandma's home where turning down food for any reason is considered rude. :-p
I've come to the conclusion that I am fasting from one meal each day and tomorrow I will fast from dinner. I'm still learning a lot and sending up a prayer for God's love to pour out onto my husband and His protection around him every time those hunger pangs (or thoughts of food) enter my mind. I'm learning to drink more water, to deny myself of simple little pleasures of sweets, 2nd helpings, and constant nibbling. 100% juice and milk help to "hold off" hypoglycemic reactions to the lack nutrients from my meals.
I noticed that J "liked" Pure Desire Ministries International, which is the book he wanted to finish so much while in Portland. I'm assuming that with all the time he's had today, he's mostly finished the little book.  I still have a few chapters to go. Perhaps he's highlighted and made notes, too... I'll be able to see them since our Kindles are still on the same account.
Praying for God's guidance in knowing how to handle my anger-prone eldest child. I had to put her in the car-seat again while we were at Grandma Joy's house. She got angry over a simple apology and simply screamed bloody murder when asked what was wrong. I could not get her to calm down. I spanked her hard, twice. It made her temper tantrum even worse. The only thing I could think to do was to remove her from everyone and keep her from hurting herself: the car-seat.  The last time I had to use this form of control was at AWANAs when she refused to keep her shoes on. She sat in the car screaming while her classmates were singing, getting rewards, enjoying snacks, and free-playing. By the time she calmed down, most of her friends had been picked up by their parents or were leaving.  It was a hard, but extremely powerful lesson in learning to obey and practicing self-control -or the lack thereof, resulting in temporary isolation and deprivation of blessings/relationships.
This time, I hope, was just as effective, because she returned to apologize and quietly sniffed that she "Never want to be alone in the car by myself ever again. I was all by myself and I didn't like to be that way. I wanted to be with everybody. I need to obey and say I'm sorry and not screaming anymore...."

We also dropped Dad off at the airport for his personal vacation time to visit family and friends in CA until Mom and #1 brother join next Wed. for sister's birthday a week from tomorrow. Wow. My baby sister is graduating from college at age 20. O_O Very proud of her though, as most of her friends still have at least one more year to go, if not more.

I miss talking to J before dinner, but I know that something much more important is happening. I'm praying that he is being comforted by Him and conformed to His Word. I'm praying that his soul is finding rest and shelter, as well as living food and water. I'm praying that I would be a better mother and a the type of wife that I would want to be married to. I'm asking the Lord to help me to die to myself and to change my natural ways of thinking and reacting.

Day 1

Had a good conversation with J on his drive up to the cabin. He really just wants to spend time with God. He doesn't want to have an "agenda." He just realized that he hadn't been spending time with God, regularly or continually. I know how that feels, and yet my challenge is to make Him more important than anything else... to literally fight for why He is everything to me. In my mind and slowly in my heart, He is taking control, but my temper and cravings are my battles, no matter where I go.
I've started fasting today. I had breakfast, but stopped eating food after that. Since then I've had some juice. It's crazy! I'm realizing how much I use food to pass the time along. I eat with the girls, I eat their leftovers, and make food for others and snack on the broken off pieces or crumbs! Aaahh! I didn't realize how much food occupies how I order my day and move my thoughts along -or just plain stop them. My thoughts go idle when my mouth and tongue and stomach are working. While I claim to not be picky or "don't eat much", I'm realizing how much I snack throughout the day or use meal times to plan out what is going to happen next in the day.
If this is how I'm dealing with it all -food everywhere, preparing meals for my girls/family, electronics at my fingertips... I have no idea HOW J is going to handle 3 days of it! I have responsibilities. I have places to go, and things to fill the sound of my grumbling stomach. He has NO responsibilities. He is doing this of his own free will. Granted he does have the splendor of creation, the peace and quiet of nature (and lack of other people/places), but even that may not compete with a mind that is use to constant information, interaction, and busyness. He's at a COMPLETE STOP. He's not going to a conference. He's not meeting someone for a prayer meeting or Bible study. He's going to intentionally meet with the Creator of the Universe whom he's somewhat ignored for the last few months.
Lord God, please protect him! Anyone seeking you is promised to have trials, temptations, attacks, and supernatural challenges. PLEASE put a wall of protection about him as he seeks You. May he be leaning on You to lead the way and to protect him from the enemy's snares -especially the ones from within.
Most of all, Lord, please just answer his prayer to meet with You. Reveal Yourself to him in Your time and way, and may he recognize You and find You! Make me the mate he needs in this life! Mold me and direct my prayers and thoughts. Be my strength and wisdom as I raise these girls. I surrender their training and teaching to Your will and plan. I'm not doing so well on my own. I'm tired of resorting to screaming, yelling, threatening, and punishing... I don't know any other way though. Neither of the girls seem capable enough of remembering the lessons I tell them every day. I repeat myself as if I'm talking to dogs who are cute but really don't care or know how to process and keep the information that I'm giving them. *sigh* I am exhausted and out of "creative ideas" to get them to obey me and to love each other. Plus, I'm fighting my own battle of laziness, cockiness, self-righteousness, anger, apathy, unfaithfulness, and insensitivity. Please show me the battles that are ours, the girls, my husband's, and the family's.  I want to hear from You again!
Love your fickle,
Amy Joy

Mother's wifely input

Today J leaves for Praise Mountain. =) As I said before, I am very proud and excited about his decision to do this time of personal reflection, renewal of faith, and fasting from a few key things (food and technology). Last night was a Tuesday. On Tuesday nights my family has their dinner and "family devotions" on a local beach. There is also a time of sharing prayer requests and praises, which are prayed for by each member (if time permits). I shared about J's retreat coming up: requesting protection from the evil one, renewal for his spirit, insight and strengthened belief in who and what Christ means to him, and possible direction for his life and our family. lol... it wasn't nearly as well asked, in fact i remember actually saying that I didn't really know what exactly to pray for. i did mention the protection and possible direction for our family.
After sharing, my mom said something that I think was very important and that I will take to heart. "You should fast with him, too. Just focus on the girls and pray for him. It will help you to be connected." I realize that I could just pray for him like I have been this whole time, at mealtime and before bed... but the more I think about it, it could be VERY helpful to ask him ahead of time what he plans to focus on, what questions he wants to search out, and what he hopes to gain from this time.  Every time I go to put food into my mouth or feel those hunger pangs, I can remember what J is doing and pray specifically for the things he shared with me.  I can ask God to focus his mind and to also draw myself to Himself... asking Him what He would have me to learn and grow from during this time, too.  While not together, we can make it a shared experience of dedicated time to listen and learn from God.

May Day

I missed the chance to post on "May Day" this past Sunday... it was a bit crazy. J and I decided that this separation time needs to be done and over with ASAP.  How that was going to come about was the root of the weekend craziness. I found that all tickets to the mainland were "decent" up-till the week of Mothers' Day (May 8-14).  I then realized that my sister's graduation from college happened to be that Friday (yes, the 13th). So, I proceeded to make it work where I could get to LAX and attended the graduation, and then continue on to DEN. Dozens of calls, complicated overnight stays, and mini discussions, I was unknowingly "riled up" and rather unnecessarily stressed out. Half way through the decision making process, we were also offered 2 buddy passes with Delta. I wanted to please everyone in some way -parents wanted me with them as long as possible, my sister wanted me to meet her friends, my husband wanted to pick us up from the airport... while everyone's desires were legitimate and understandable, the flights, transportation, and lodgings were not lining up. I finally agreed to a plan largely concocted by my father... which I thought would be "the end of it." Then my husband questioned my plans and I erupted. Literally. Like a volcano. Remember how I said I was "unknowingly riled up"... yeah. I messed up BIG TIME in my communication with him. :-(

In so many ways, it was the confirmation that the two of us apart any longer was NOT a good idea.  When he was at training, his mind was only on training. My mind was only on the girls and the family I've been living with. I call it my "survival mode." If I think too much about not being with J cripples me to immobilization. I can't process, can't make decisions, can't take care of myself, I barely take care of the girls, I cry, I sleep, I eat too much or too little.... so I adopt a "single-mom" mindset, with the hope that it is only temporary.
He on the other hand has almost too much time on his hands now. He's not directly providing for a family, though he IS very actively looking for a job. He doesn't need a babysitter to watch the girls or to even wait for me to "get ready" to go anywhere. He just goes. He does what I've been doing all this time and talks to his family about his thoughts and hopes and aspirations and disappointments. He probably tells them what his plans and hopes are before (if at all) sharing them with me.... it makes sense. they are THERE. they ARE his family after all.... but then he starts making decisions and opinions and choices based on such conversations and interactions (just like I have all this time) without me understanding where he's coming from (and vise versa).
I assume. He assumes. I don't trust he has our best interests and respond defensively, questioningly, and disrespectfully. He responds defensively, questioningly, and injured.

To bring this post to a close, it looks like I'll be flying (as directly as possible) to DEN on May 19th. =) He moved on in the relationship after I apologized and talking needed to resume for planning and children's sake. I don't deserve this man I call my husband. Without saying a word, I know that he's forgiven me. And I hope he believes me when I say that I've gotten better at controlling my temper and tongue... it just might show better when we're not thousands of miles and 4 hours apart. :-/