Praying Circles

Problem with blogs... er with me and my blogs: i forget that I have them. :-p I've been using tumblr for so many of my quick thoughts & keeping so many of my growing/building concepts to myself that I've forgotten that I have a place for developing and evolving ideas. 

We've made it to our new home across the country. He starts his new job with his new team tomorrow. We've found our new church family -ironically they have the same name as the one we had to leave. 

Current: 

I am constantly debating taking up some part-time work (when & where). 

Schooling or just some classes for my almost 4 yr old?

Potty-training the 2 1/2 yr old starting tomorrow. 

Learning to "keep" my own home -all three floors of it! 

Trying to make friends & figure out what "kind" of mom I am.

Struggling with "who I am" & how to "be" right now.

Battling complacency & aimlessness.

Scared of being yet staying in my "comfort zones".

Frustrated but fearful for my brother's mental state of being.

Excitement over family visiting in the summer!

Planning the 4 yr old's b-day party.

Cleaning & organizing our bedroom.

Wrestling fatigue & inner demons (re-read my last post).

Knowing what to "pray circles" about based on our new Pastor's message today.

How this 21-day fast challenge is actually going to work-out.

The Hunger Games. book & movie.

Kony 2012.

Election primaries & caucuses. 

I don't know why I didn't have a clue what to pray for this morning! Oh the blinders of the evil one are so slimy & seductive... I KNOW that when I'm too comfortable & content, that snake has me just where he wants me: ready to steal, kill, & destroy all the blessings & potential God has worked so hard for in us, in me! I'm still baffled at what He could possibly do with, much less through me. I keep getting in the way. But here are my prayer requests to demand God's-will in:

The DEFEAT of my pride & self-righteous anger for 1.

The freedom & faith of my husband.

The discernment & education of my children.

The clear revelation of direction & purpose for our family & marriage.

He didn't just answer my prayers for an awesome job for my husband, simply for us to stay at home, accumulate stuff, & be comfortable the rest of our lives, with the occasional ministry at church or Bible study. 

He didn't just uproot us from our location of choice to a foreign land with no family, simply to show us we are self-sufficient & fully capable on our own. 

He didn't just hand write the last 2 years of our lives simply to hand the pen & paper "back into our capable hands." :-p

He didn't provide us a home bigger than almost anyone we have met since we moved here or an income so large that I can even consider staying home or working "just to have my own spending cash" just because we deserved it or even because we worked for it....

there has to be a bigger reason. my spirit knows this. it's been trying to tell me this for some time now. this is the first time i've stopped my busy mind to actually think some of these things through. life can't just be about me. i don't even know of anything i could find, do, or buy that would actually keep me happy forever -except my Creator. And He tells me that I was created for HIS glory & purpose; for HIS enjoyment & praise. 

Yeah. I think I'll end with that. 

Goodnight.

Time Out

There are times, I'm sadly realizing only now in my late 20's, that I find myself spinning out of control ...or into some hidden, vast resevoir of anger, bitterness, and maliciousness. While I know that I've seemingly always been tempremental and battling with anger, I reached a point very recently that gripped me even stronger than those tendancies -long enough to sober me to the importance of actually defeating & overcoming this "demon" I've called "a temper" for so many years. I hate that one of my biggest faults brought me face-to-face with one of my worst fears.
I am searching out ways to begin the final war upon my "demon" called Temper. It will be a war because I have fed it, excused it, ignored it, pardoned it, fostered & exercised it for at least 2 decades now. But my marriage, family, and relationship with God are truly "on the line" here.

Motivation!

I love it when I get the writing/brainstorming/planning urge. ^_^ It also greatly helps when I actually have a computer to record it. ~_^ That being said, I took close to 3 hrs. yesterday, creating a document I'm calling "MOTIVATIONS" It is a compilation of all the things I'd like to do for each member of this family. I broke it down by cost, estimated time, supplies, ect.  I was quite thrilled to see it all on paper! The unexpected benefit of doing this made me realize how much TIME it would take to do them all. I've been doing pretty good at keeping up my new house, our children, and being a wife... but I realized that it could quickly become nothing more than routine with nothing else to look forward to than grocery shopping, cleaning up messes, waiting for the newest movie to come out, or next family vacation time.
The next step of my "MOTIVATIONS" list is to total all the costs and time. I also need to do some "time tests" of the normal, day-to-day, week-to-week tasks. After which, I'll have to do the math of what is actually feasible from week-to-week. I called it "MOTIVATIONS" simply because I need the motivation to keep finishing the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, and general up-keep. Getting to do something on my "MOTIVATIONS" list then becomes my reward.
I'm growing up, but in some ways, the good-old "chores/reward" system still works for me right now.... perhaps it will help those things to become so second nature that some of the "MOTIVATIONS" list will become traditions and my children will adopt them as their own... and I can add non-family driven motivations to that list... things like charity, hospitality, mission trips, reunions, and possibly home-business things?
I'd love to incude such things now, but I truly believe God wants me to focus on the 2 little, blossoming lives unfolding & seeking foundation from me; as well as, the be reminded of my blessed role as helpmeet to my lifelong, chosen love & partner, my husband James.

And the mind lists begin

James has work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am proud and excited beyond what my heart and mind can fully comprehend in one day... hence the reason for taking to long to process and share all the details.... alas, this entry will not be that particular entry. :-p But I will say that the lists of things to do, wish lists, things to get, etc. is in overdrive! :-)
I am currently with the inlaws again until the $$ comes in for us to select a house/duplex/town home. I asked J what I should do in the meantime... because this time of waiting is different from all the previous ones. I know that it won't be indefinite. I know that he's doing everything in his power to get us reunited, with making himself indispensable at his workplace. He's motivated. I'm motivated. You can feel the anticipation and expectation in our kids. We know that the next time we get on an airplane or take a long road trip, it's to move into our own little place to call "Home."

He suggested that I plan. As I so frequently use to do. Make lists. As I so naturally did in the past. Do research as I have grown to practice in the last 5 years. 5 YEARS! I can hardly believe that we are reaching the 5 year mark of our distinct journey together as "one."

With so many "close calls" to jobs in the last 4 months, I've been so scared to plan. to make lists. to "just tasting" consistency, ownership, and sanctuary. My treasure and true home are truly nowhere near this planet or in the material trappings of this current residence called earth.  I've been living the nomad life and learning lessons some very important life lessons about people, Christ, the Church, Scripture, and especially myself. I can't say that I'm now "completely ready to take on all the responsibilities of running my own home" but I can say that I'd like to step into it now that God has seen fit to bless us with it. =)

Some of the initial goals that started knocking around in my brain last night:
Our home must be a sanctuary where we want and can return to to rest, recuperate, renew, and rejuvenate.
But I also want it to have an "open door" policy where other soul-weary travelers of this world can taste the riches of God's blessings and rest to us.
And somehow also encourage each of its members to go back out into the crazy, noisy, hurting world to share the love and hope of Christ, as well as offer healing, help, and fun! =)

Want to research:
What flowers/fauna do or don't grow in the NW (hibiscus? gerber daisies? orchids? palms? mock orange hedges?)
What seasons to plant veggies?
Best places to get paint, furniture, yard deco., and outdoor gear?
Churches, daycares, preschools, libraries, children's theater and choir organizations, swimming lessons, bike paths, hiking trails....

And call me crazy, but the whole 5th anniversary has got me thinking a renewal of vows ceremony for our 10th anniversary:
Colors - red wine, plum, chocolate&coffee, sunshine yellow, and cream
Maids - Hannah, Dayna, Julie, Bethany, Virginia, Megan
Photography - Josiah Dasher
Videography - Chris Rhoades
Music -  Clair de Lune
Location - ??????? CO, HI, WA, OR ????????

Hanging in His balance

My life is in such a transitional time right now, it's hard to justify joining a women's Bible study or getting the girls involved in a program that requires more than a monthly commitment. The library reading times and programs fit the bill pretty well, but don't fill the relationship gap I feel now.

Our family is facing the growing possibility of a 12-18 month deployment next October. I am petrified. I knew it was a possibility, but when my inability to breath was followed by weeping after my husband left for his annual 2 week field training this weekend, I started to panic. We have no place to call “home” - no sense of normalcy, security, direction, or family purpose. We've been like leeches everywhere we've lived since we moved out of our duplex after the birth of our oldest child. The thought of then being alone with two preschoolers for a year or more was more than my brain wanted to comprehend. ...not that I wanted to be living off of yet another charitable, loving family/couple either.

My panic finally subsided when I realized that I would cross that bridge when it came and it was my job to get my eyes off of myself and back onto the current issues (my daughters) and more importantly on becoming more like Christ. He sacrificed His life WILLINGLY and His Father gave it back to Him eternal-fold. But here I am clutching “my life” with every ounce of will and felt control I had. It's a terrifying thought that if I keep insisting on continuing this control-maniac way, my life will eventually be taken from me -unfulfilled and self-centered; on the other hand, I can release all my fears and concerns, focusing soley on what else God wants from me in the moment that somehow, He will return it back somehow, someway, and apparently infinitely better than I could ever as or imagine.

Back in the habit?

So I've had a forced sabbatical from this blog the last month or so. I've either been busy being a mother or wife or simply had limited Internet access. Crazy thing though, God hasn't stopped talking and I don't want to forget those lessons... I thought of this blog when I realized that I'd forgotten one of the key ways I'd found to thrive as a person -walking. The church I've attended the last 2 Sundays truly has the Spirit of God residing there. The pastor preaches with no reservations, no pretty words, or presumption that he's above or even equal to what he's preaching. Last week I was challenged to truly repent in some way to Christ. I took the step to remove all the extra apps on my iPhone. I realized after talking with my husband, that I struggle with treating games and social media as a privilege. When I was growing up, movies and computer use were not regulated. They were our source of relaxation along with entertainment. When I returned home, I watched them use movies, TV, Internet, and video games as an escape from lives that they really weren't all that satisfied with. I was challenged to realize that once I became independent, that I decided that part of being an adult was to indulge or just normalize the constant use of such things. In recent years, I'd turned it into procrastination and eventually evasion of all responsibilities till the last minute. I was keeping up with all the people that I wanted to, but was barely interacting with the people who were physically in my day-to-day life. I invested hundreds of hours following deals and status' of people I had no on-going reciprocal relationships with -no one that I could feel comfortable just calling up when I had needs or just wanted a friend to hang out with.

So I gave up mobile social media for a while. It's now back on my phone, but now I am actually Aware of my lack of discipline and weaknesses. It's humbling and frustrating, but emancipating, too, knowing that I can so easily be sucked into sacrificing whole days worth of time to things like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And just to clarify, it's not that I don't still use them and use them quite often... it's that my weakness is to allow them to define and control me. I use them justify my lack of “being transformed into the image of Christ” and avoidance of being an “unashamed, approved workman rightly dividing the Word of Truth” or “seeking after wisdom like fine jewels or pure gold.” I allow them to fill the empty, boring, or simply slow parts of my day that used to be filled with the “still quite voice” of my Beloved, my Shepherd.

Now, more than ever before, is when I MUST seek to know what it means for God to be my Husband. Now, before my soul is too calloused or numb to care... or I find something more temporary but instantly gratifying... before my prayers become an abomination in God's ears and He is no longer my LORD. I think my new for of “dying to self” is to keep the social media and games on the phone, but exercise restraint, self-discipline, and sacrifice (shallow thought it may be right now, it's still quite real).

Letting between?

Another perspective change has been knocking on my heart recently, too. What am I willing to let "come between" my relationships -with my husband, my daughters, my in-laws, my friends, etc.? For instance: I have always held going and being on=time to Sunday School in high importance. But two Sundays ago I had to ask myself if "getting onto" my husband or getting "worked up" about being late or not going at all is truly worth the straining of my relationship with him? While it may be a personal value of mine, the value that I want to hold even more clout in my priorities is LOVE. It is not loving to hold an account of perceived "wrongs" against him, or to let a root of bitterness grow in my heart. I want to be at peace with him and others as much as is in my power. So hard to do sometimes, as my pride and stubbornness gets in the way a lot of the time.