Working

During a family walk last night, my husband asked me if it bothered me at all that I didn't have any real "marketable skills." While, yes, I do have 2 degrees (AA & BA), my work history is small & limited. I really haven't shown any initiative or even interest in finding work... Lord forbidding, if I were suddenly left with 2 little girls to take care of on my own, I honestly have no "contingency plan" other than returning to family. While I know either side would be more than willing to help, at almost 30 yrs. of age & two degrees, I ought to be able to at least get something before our life-insurance would run out.  I only ever had 3 ambitions in childhood: overseas missionary, wife&mother, & nursing. At this point, leaving the country on my own with 2 little girls is really rather foolish if not impossible. I would probably remarry but I can't count on that happening or wanting it to happen depending on the circumstances. And at this point, starting a very time-consuming, physically-demanding career is not what our family needs right now.  

What I do need is something to jump-start my desire to learn again. While I love my family, I really get bored of only looking forward to learning about new ways to feed, clothe, wash, & entertain my children. SO much time really just becomes tedious & unproductively repetitious. "Why bother washing the clothes  I just folded yesterday again today?" "I just emptied the dishwasher of these dishes this morning..." "What did I do today? oh, vacuum the same strip of carpet from 2 days ago." Don't get me wrong, I do my household duites, but I really have NOTHING new from day to day. I interact with the same 3 people from morning till bedtime, with the occasional neighbor or two. I work out regularly with no other reason than a few hours away from my kids & to "keep up" with my husband. I have no friends at church, no ministry to pour time or energy or imagination into. I read 2 monthly magazines & watch tv series with my hubby for entertainment. I have no outlet to sing, dance, create, or play music. I live for "Date Night" but never seem to have anything worthwhile to share or bring for conversation. I really have nothing to look forward to or to use my quickly "rusting" skills, abilities, & talents. 

In short, I need to find work. It is good to work. Depending on what I find, I can meet new people, learn new skills, get better at skill I have, and be an overall productive, contributing member of this family. I might get to use my gifts & talents, but more importantly, I can actually interact with people of differing, conflicting, or no faith.  I can learn to actually "be a friend" & "be Jesus Christ" to others through quality work, perseverance, godly behavior, willing attitude, etc.  Times with family will be more valuable & (hopefully) better planned & utilized. 

I hate being a sloth. And I came to the ugly realization that I have been one for a while now. :-p Hoping to change this in the next month or so (after family comes to visit & James' schedule isn't so brimming with trainings, conferences, & travel.) Prayers MUCH appreciated & needed! 

Jesus Christ

Who is He?

He was a man born of a virgin 2000+ years ago in a little town of Bethlehem in Israel.  He was raised by a carpenter & mother in Egypt until the Roman-appointed king of Israel, who wanted him dead, had died. He had half-siblings & grew up in a small town in Galilee called Nazareth. He & his parents observed Jewish traditions like circumcision & celebrating the Passover in Jerusalem. He was confident enough to remain in the temple without his parents & wise to actual teach the teachers there. Very little was recorded about his childhood, "coming of age", & young adulthood. Records of him really don't reveal much about him until his 30's when he began publicly preaching & claiming his deity. He never married or had children. His first recorded miracle was changing water into wine @ a wedding. Many of his family members didn't start to believe in him fully until well-into his ministry & after his death & resurrection. He was often found with the sick, broken, poor, or shunned people.  He owned very little, stayed in other peoples' homes, ate the food meant for the poor or whatever was given to Him, & traveled a lot to teach, preach to, & heal hundreds & thousands of people.  He made friends by asking them to help him with his teaching, preaching, & helping others. He constantly surprised them by doing supernatural & controversial things. He taught meekness, humility, end-times, peace, forgiveness, righteousness, holiness, purity, & love. He upset the "status quo", challenged, & even condemned the religious "experts" of Judaism to the point of their obsessive desire to kill him. He said he was God & God's Son. He deeply loved & appreciated those who understood who he was & had faith in Him. He showed deep compassion & forgiveness. He healed "lost causes" & raised people from the dead. He touched disgusting, dying, & "sinful" people. He made powerful, absolute claims & backed them with century-old prophecies, miracles, love, truth, & ultimate passion by dying a criminal death after an unfair & illegal trial for people who mocked, doubted, betrayed, hated, & didn't even know him... all because he loved his Father & loved the people He had created. Because it was the only way that would repair the broken relationship between God & people. The break caused by the sin chosen by people & the ultimate holiness of God.

Tired of who I am

I am so weary of myself. I am so blessed, it's becoming commonplace. I am so provided for that I'm forgetting to take care of the things I have. I get so much & have so many options that I whine & complain & make excuses CONSTANTLY about what I don't have, don't want to do, can't do, have to do, what my kids & husband do or don't do... I have become so "Americanized" it makes me sick!

And I have no one to blame but myself. And I know it full well. On top of that I don't know how to get myself out of it.

Where do I start? I go to church & I even filled out their volunteer form. I called them a week before that... I have neighbors who seem to have it so "figured out" that I think they'd just laugh at me trying to find ways to "help" them. :-p

I feel so lost & aimless in life right now. I have so much but for what? My own consumption? I can only consume so much & I still feel "empty." I read my Bible. I pray. I take care of my kids. I spend time with my husband. But why? The only things I "look forward to" are weekend outings, family gatherings... being around people.  I miss having friends that tell me when to "shape up" but will still be my friend & love me for who I am. I miss having friends to be silly & girly with but to also share my questions & struggles with. I share with my husband... but it's not the same. Guys are wired to "fix" things... Women just need to process things & be... feminine?

I don't have a schedule to follow. I tried to make those... they fail & leave me frustrated. I try to have a "flow" but then I'm left "to my own devices" & my selfishness kicks in. ...and now I'm making excuses again. How does one "grow up"? By just doing it? No one to "punish" or "reward" me but me (or my husband.... which shouldn't be his job. How do you teach initiative to your kids, when you don't know how to get it yourself?

I need something in my life to move me. Truly, intrinsically, passionately move me. I need true LIFE.

"I am The Way, The Truth, The Life. No one comes to the Father but through me." ~Jesus Christ

...I guess that's as good a place to start as any?

Identified

"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules & working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law (wo)man" so that I could be God's (wo)man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it.

I identified myself completely with him.

Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me & gave Himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal & free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily." Galatians 2:19-21 The Message

Can I just start by saying this particular translation is so hard to ignore or forget because of it's clarity to the language of my time? moving on...

"Identified" with God has always been a beautiful, yet confusing mystery to me. I know that He knows my sins & strengths... but because I hold such a low opinion of myself, I don't bring my faults & weaknesses to the God who made & redeems me. I feel "to stupid" as Jo March in the classic Little Women refers to herself.


"...you are too busy. I am too stupid to learn." ~Jo March

"Prut! We will make the time, and we fail not to find the sense." F. Bhaer

It always seems to ease my conscience when I just say "I'm not good at such-&-such. Or this-&-that are not my strengths." But this response is becoming more & more like an excuse... and a pathetic one at that. It was Jo's answer many a time but the right person finally brought her out of herself & challenged her to pursue things above herself -to be "good."
I know that I have the right husband & the right God, it's all me that does the disqualifying & the devil exaggerates. 

What I was...

Something changed. I keep looking at my wonderful life & how blessed I am... yet, I find myself yearning for the fullness of... of... of something that I felt back when I was sixteen to eighteen. My husband even commented about the things he knew I loved doing when he first met me.
I worked with children in almost every non-school related activity the entire time I was in high school & frequently into community college & occasionally during my time at university. I knew early on that my spiritual gifts included service & "administration." I will never forget the true, heart-brimming joy I had leading children to Christ! It was truly something supernatural that I didn't conjure up when I heard kids asking Jesus to forgive them & inviting Him to become their Savior & Lord. I love being able to beautify a person's day even if it just meant cleaning up part of their home, preparing & presenting them food, or singing a song or presenting a self-choreographed dance. I loved the emotions & release of love that came from rehearsing a song or dance & offering it up to Jesus Christ. When shared in public, I would pray that others would catch even just a glimpse of the glory & majesty of my Savior & Lord.

I am a proud momma. I love being a wife. but sometimes I wonder if these roles (not the people - it's not their fault) have the tendency to bring out the worst in me... :-( I scream, complain, whine, & get angry (& often times bitter) faster than in any other situation I find myself. I can see growth in those areas over the last 4 years of my oldest child's life... yet for all the teaching, training, planning, & sacrificing I've done, I feel like I've also lost a part of me that shouldn't have been lost... and I replaced it with excuses, "busy-ness", & overall selfishness.
Reaching out to a hurting and lost world doesn't get & shouldn't be put off simply because one of my kids woke up last night & kept me awake for an hour. Using the gifts my Lord gave me shouldn't & cannot wait till I have more "free time" or I find the "right ministry." I'm learning that my abilities & the things that give me the greatest, deepest fulfillment & right pleasure are not in the "showy", "noticeable" areas.  Visiting shut-ins & the elderly. Cleaning someone's home or a classroom. Making meals for people who need them. Printing, stapling, entering data, running errands, restocking.... stuff that keep other, more prominent people going & doing what needs to be done -casting vision, dreaming dreams, leading, & training. It's in my "blood" - physically (most of my mother's side of the family is in some form physical service, ie: handymen, caretaker, nurse, computer repair, office assistant, police, ect.) & spiritually (Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. ¹⁶ Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13) to practically & physically help/serve other people (not necessarily because "I love people" but because I find joy in the "doing" of the jobs that need to be done). My earthly father's side were mostly teachers or preachers, things I was trained to do from adolescence. It's been years since I've worked with any other kids but my own... perhaps it is time again. Being a part of something bigger than myself - of helping, serving... being the literal hands-and-feet of Jesus Christ in my present corner of the world.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. Romans 12:6-8

Thursday

Today is my "Saturday." Now that we've "settled down" & found ourselves in a more permanent position that we ever have since having kids, I'm learning that the weekends are NOT a break for me. On the contrary, they are often times the culprit for my normally tidy house to become a cluttered petri-dish for all sorts of growth piles around the house: dishes pile up faster - all over the house, laundry multiplies exponentially - all over the house, paperwork piles grow - all over the house, bathrooms work double-time - and I can't get all over the house quick enough to tend it all.  The added factor is that weekends are also the times that we have out-of-the-house, family activities the most. So while all the piles & mess grow, I'm there less... leaving me even more unmotivated to deal with the extras. Seriously, how many people get an adrenaline rush of excitement after returning from a fabulous, yet exhausting beach trip to grab the toilet scrubber & rubber gloves to scour the bathroom from the accident that happened just as you were leaving for said beach trip? How about after dinner at a sit-down restaurant to clean up dishes & half-eaten (or forgotten) food sitting out from various snack-ers after lunchtime? :-p

All that being said, I've learned to TGIT (vs. TGIF)! I do my absolute best to keep errands, activities, & deep-cleaning to a minimum on this day.  It's different than even Sundays because I don't have to get kids cleaned & dressed up or stress about getting somewhere on time.  People are more likely to schedule things on weekends than on a weekday & if they do Wednesday usually gets the honor. ;-)

If our schedule remains so, I just might make this "my day" to take care of emails, write letters, make social phone calls, be 'crafty' or 'domestic' (meaning bake, sew, and/or garden), blog, & surf (the web). One day out of 7 to be "Amy" & not just "Mom"... am I being selfish or unreasonable? In no way would I neglect my children, but meals, activities, & an "understanding" would be set ahead of time. I would probably even plan/prepare for Dates Night on Friday. =) We'll see what happens...

Wake-up Calls

This morning was a slow one. It wasn't for lack of sleep on my part. In fact, I woke up with a jarring start because my 2 yr. old accidentally turned on her lullaby music on full volume. :-p The hubby on the other hand was "dead to the world" from working late the night before.  Me, being the "morning person", was awake but still in bed fb-ing like I do every morning.

It's always just a tad amusing to watch my hubby wake up. His alarm goes off at the same time every weekday. He always hits the snooze a minimum of twice before he even attempts to ask me when I woke up or what I've been doing since I woke up. For the few years we've been married, it's always been a challenge for me to let him sleep in -or stay up late for that matter. At night, I'll drop hints about how late it is or what responsibilities he has the early the next morning. ;-) In the morning, I'll actively snuggle, massage, or kiss him to wake up -usually unsuccessfully. :-/ In fact, it's usually more effective to abruptly stop the affection & become engrossed in something else (like my iPhone) that somehow shakes a layer of sleeping dust out of his head.

Today, I was... okay, I'll admit it: lazy.

I had no intentions of quickly getting the day started like I had 2 mornings before when I had forgot to put the trash out -even though I LOVED the results of that earlier morning.
Then the piercing, annoying house alarm went off. :-p
The previous tenant of our townhouse were a dual-income couple with school-aged kids and apparently all left the house by 7:30AM -when their house alarm automatically sets itself. We've never taken the time to un-set it and forget this almost every time we take the dog out to the yard to do her business. This morning my over-eager, already-dressed-in-princess-attire, almost-4-year-old child decided to open the deck sliding glass door to enjoy the sunshine.  >_<

"Now she should be awake & cured of her laziness!"

One would assume this statement, but sadly, not in this case. :-/ I got the child a bowl of frosted mini-wheats then hurried up to my bed & got cozy again. :-p Since the hubby doesn't have class until 9AM & the extension campus he attends his only 10min. away, I simply wasn't concerned.

...but I had stopped looking at the clock by this time.

Motherhood called again & I got up to get the 2 yr old changed & dressed. Sometime during that task the hubby got up (probably because the dog followed me into our bedroom & excitedly kissed him until he was thoroughly awake). ;-) By the time I finally finished the changing/dressing task the dog had been taken out & the hubby was in the shower.... which is unusual since we usually shower together because of the dual shower heads & spacious size of the stand-up/sit down shower. I followed him in but he said that he couldn't talk & hurried out. He quickly took care of his toilet (teeth, hair, etc) & started dressing while I finished my shaving & started drying off. (This was all very accelerated & out of order from our regular routine.) I finally asked what time it was and he replied 8:35! Wow! Where had the time gone? I mentally assumed that that meant he was going to hop into his car & head off to school... so what did I do?

...went back to lazy, "slug" mode! :-p

Apparently 10 full minutes went by & I was stunned when the hubby opened the bedroom door to me still stark-naked asking where I had been! He'd been having cereal with the girls & even taken care of the dog's food.  A quick kiss later & he was down the stairs & driving off in his car.

That was when I "snapped out of it."

What had just happened?! I'm the type of personality that is like a computer. Only sleep will stop my brain from running (& even that isn't 100% effective). Where had my duty-filled, obligation-compulsive drive gone?! Well wherever it went, it gave me time to observe my husband in an entirely NEW light... and myself. My husband is a grown man. (Obvious, I know.) He is a man that has been getting himself up & out of bed for 20+ years. He is a man that has learned the painful importance of getting to things on time, if not early. He is a man that has been to BCT & AIT where lack of sleep is inevitable & still requires 100% of your energies & attention. Sure he likes to sleep in. Sure he's a "night-owl." BUT in the end, HE is the one responsible to get the sleep he needs & to get himself to the places he needs to be when he needs to be there. This rare morning showed me how much of these tasks of his that I'VE been mentally shouldering & taking responsibility for... and that I should NOT be.

This morning, my kids have also shown me that they are more capable than I give them credit for. The 2 yr old not only sweetly offered to help me sweep, she can successfully help with holding the dust pan while I sweep up the crumbs from her meals. And the almost-4-yr-old just announced that she took the dog out to go "poop & pee" in the back yard! She can be responsible to take the dog out in the mornings (since they both seem to beat us on getting up in the morning anyway).

I just have to remember to keep the house alarm remote close by. ;-)