My husband has to be gone for most of the weekend (including Friday) but he took an intentional day off work yesterday to make sure that I had some key things that I've been needing for a while now. We've moved around so much in our almost 6 years of marriage, but I've managed to retain the same driver's license the entire time (even up to a year longer than suppose to BECAUSE of all our moving & the fact that a military ID can often take the place of the usual "photo ID" requirements). I finally relinquished ownership of that well-used piece of plastic for a newer, updated one yesterday! =) After finishing my entry for Wednesday on Thursday morning (which I'm finding is more realistic & helpful than doing the night of the actual day), I got up & did my best to get my husband awake & ready for the day. I understood that this was his only day to "sleep in" because of his weekend duties, but I've yet to find a way to deal with the nervous energy that I build up when watching the sun climb higher in the sky & another mealtime skips by & I still feel unproductive as I wait. So I wrote 2 blog entries. :-p lol.
We finally showered & ate some leftover pancakes while I cleaned up the kitchen again & discussed the specific errands we had to do for the day. Drivers' license (since I wasn't the only one of the two of us who hadn't switched over to our new state of residence), title & tag registration of my vehicle, a regulation appropriate haircut, & desperately needed dishwasher detergent. Our new state has a TON of regulations & this wasn't our first attempt at the licenses. Nay! This was my FOURTH. I truly had been living the "3 strikes" you're out mentality, but this time we resolved to try a different location to see if it yielded better results. Before leaving, it took us about 2 hours of re-reviewing their requirements & gathering the needed paperwork like a pygmy trying to find water during the dry season -and I'm a pretty decent organizer when it comes to paperwork! As I mentioned earlier: it finally worked! :-D I think I deserve some sort of "well-prepared Mommy" award for not only keeping my girls relatively quiet but happily occupied AND fed during our almost 4 hour ordeal at the actual DMV! Praising the Lord even now that we had friendly, helpful, & even fun clerks to get what we needed! The car registering didn't happen but we will save $$ because of the advice of the clerk James got. :-)
We returned to the car all pretty hungry & looked for something we could all agree on in an area we didn't know very well. Remember, we went a little bit out of our way to avoid the other DMV that had given so much grief. ;-) An Old Country Buffet met our needs & gave us all some time to relax & unwind... so much so, that we had to keep reminding each other that is wasn't actually Saturday. lol! Suddenly, at least one very full school bus, of what we decided was a high school sports camp, of teenagers began flooding our peaceful, "off-hour" lunch/dinner, so we got back in our car to continue our errands.
We realized that time was getting short (I thought of all the "sleeping in" time that had eaten up so much of the day) & that it would be better to drop the kids & I at home while my husband received his "regulation" haircut. Once home, I chatted with my neighbor-friend that had been texting us about trading date-nights until her landlord arrived for a scheduled visit. Once in the house, I cleaned up a bit while the girls watched some tv. Daddy returned with 3 bags of cherries & the same desire as I did when he dropped us off -to just unwind and zone-out. :-) We settled down for some family viewing time with Wes & Travis from Common Law. Literally half way into the show, the husband remarked that Costco was closing in 30 mins. Rather than doing it by myself or staying at home with the kiddos, I told him that we could make it happen: we would go together. We immediately got up, got into the car, happily sang to Lion King & Tangled on the way, & enjoyed weaving our way through the quickly emptying aisles of Costco. We'd almost finished our trip when we remembered the dishwasher detergent! hehe... For simply recording our day, I feel it is important to interject how much I love shopping as a family. Yes, we do have some rotten ones, but for the most part I love the random spontaneity & jovial teasing from my husband, the enthusiastic input & "revelations" or "announcements" from our oldest, & the giggles or cute comments from our littlest. It fills my heart with so much joy to watch father & daughters playfully interact and to show off the love & joy that my husband & I have in each other to our daughters & the "world." :-)
Barely 5 minutes after leaving the parking lot, the girls were asleep & the hubby found a Disney reggae album on Mog that we listened to for 10 minutes in our driveway. The bathroom began "calling" me so we brought the girls up to their room, changed them into pjs, returned to the car to unload the groceries, put them away (I finally relieved myself), & we sat down again to finish our tv show. Once finished, we talked a bit about the busy day & headed to bed.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
New ideas, More questions
I am thinking that this diary entering might properly guilt me into better planning my days or at the very least cut-down on my more lazy moments.
As to my thoughts, right now I am wrestling through the idea of going back to school to get a Masters in Nursing. Despite having an AA & a BA, neither are very applicable in finding a job that would support me if -God forbid- something were to happen to my husband or his ability to provide for us. I think one of the biggest obstacles for me right now is the reality that pursuing more school now means not having more kids for quite a while. It saddens me. I want more kids. Not like my mother-in-law or sister-in-law... just one or two more. My heart just isn't ready to completely close that door. Even with an accelerated studies track, both girls will be well into elementary school by the time we could even "try" again. It wouldn't be right after the degree was achieved either -then there's the looking-for-an-actual job. Another aspect that I cringe at. Once the degree is in hand, the job secured -how in the world do you fit in the joy of pregnancy & enjoyment of infancy with all its beautiful, quickly passing milestones... milestones I wish I had been more available to enjoy in my last pregnancy... I want the freedom to be pregnant without having my mother or mother-in-law right at hand... In my mind, I suppose it's like the ultimate proof of motherhood & being a full-grown woman, to go through a pregnancy not feeling like I'm still just a child myself. But I know that it's exhausting. I know that it is taxing... I suppose that is why I want to have them now as I am younger/stronger & not as I am older in years.
Then I have the fear that I'm just not capable of rearing more than 2 kids right now... I question if I am adequately raising the ones I already have. I want to "try" for a boy. I truly did like the round 4-some of my siblings & I as we were growing up. We are all 2-3 years apart...
Should I be pursuing the furthering of my own personal interests & showing my girls that I too can & need to learn? Should I be sacrificing myself to the commitment to rear & raise more God-fearing people for this world?
I suppose I have an answer in just asking that last question. Perhaps for now, the ones that I am blessed with need more focus & intentional training in the Lord, His word, & "the way in which they should go." Perhaps they can learn more from my sacrifice of a bigger family & dedication to the challenge of using & refining the blessings & giftings given to us from the Lord. Undoubtably, I have been given the heart of a nurse. The touch of a comforter. The tender spirit of one who feels & see the pain of others & longs to ease & end it. Despite it's difficulty & demanding schedule, I would probably find much joy & fulfillment in the occupation & career of a nurse.
This will be my resolve for now. I will be taking 2 or 3 classes to refresh my student-mind & re-open the education door to this new path & journey I thought I had given up before I graduated from college. It will be hard. It will be challenging. It will be intense & laden with many trials. It will include math. It will require much & probably not give return immediately. It will probably end up being like a child, requiring much sacrifice, personal "deaths", energy, time, & money. But I already know that it's result will be a lifetime of constant reward, knowing that I am using the brain, body, & spirit granted to me....
I am scared. I am hesitant. I am doubtful. I am fearful of this new path. But the more I think through it: it is good. I have a loving, encouraging, extremely helpful husband who supports me & loves me. I have strong, independent daughters who can already take care of themselves in so many ways.... I suppose this really is the better time in life to pursue such a life-altering choice. Not later...
As to my thoughts, right now I am wrestling through the idea of going back to school to get a Masters in Nursing. Despite having an AA & a BA, neither are very applicable in finding a job that would support me if -God forbid- something were to happen to my husband or his ability to provide for us. I think one of the biggest obstacles for me right now is the reality that pursuing more school now means not having more kids for quite a while. It saddens me. I want more kids. Not like my mother-in-law or sister-in-law... just one or two more. My heart just isn't ready to completely close that door. Even with an accelerated studies track, both girls will be well into elementary school by the time we could even "try" again. It wouldn't be right after the degree was achieved either -then there's the looking-for-an-actual job. Another aspect that I cringe at. Once the degree is in hand, the job secured -how in the world do you fit in the joy of pregnancy & enjoyment of infancy with all its beautiful, quickly passing milestones... milestones I wish I had been more available to enjoy in my last pregnancy... I want the freedom to be pregnant without having my mother or mother-in-law right at hand... In my mind, I suppose it's like the ultimate proof of motherhood & being a full-grown woman, to go through a pregnancy not feeling like I'm still just a child myself. But I know that it's exhausting. I know that it is taxing... I suppose that is why I want to have them now as I am younger/stronger & not as I am older in years.
Then I have the fear that I'm just not capable of rearing more than 2 kids right now... I question if I am adequately raising the ones I already have. I want to "try" for a boy. I truly did like the round 4-some of my siblings & I as we were growing up. We are all 2-3 years apart...
Should I be pursuing the furthering of my own personal interests & showing my girls that I too can & need to learn? Should I be sacrificing myself to the commitment to rear & raise more God-fearing people for this world?
I suppose I have an answer in just asking that last question. Perhaps for now, the ones that I am blessed with need more focus & intentional training in the Lord, His word, & "the way in which they should go." Perhaps they can learn more from my sacrifice of a bigger family & dedication to the challenge of using & refining the blessings & giftings given to us from the Lord. Undoubtably, I have been given the heart of a nurse. The touch of a comforter. The tender spirit of one who feels & see the pain of others & longs to ease & end it. Despite it's difficulty & demanding schedule, I would probably find much joy & fulfillment in the occupation & career of a nurse.
This will be my resolve for now. I will be taking 2 or 3 classes to refresh my student-mind & re-open the education door to this new path & journey I thought I had given up before I graduated from college. It will be hard. It will be challenging. It will be intense & laden with many trials. It will include math. It will require much & probably not give return immediately. It will probably end up being like a child, requiring much sacrifice, personal "deaths", energy, time, & money. But I already know that it's result will be a lifetime of constant reward, knowing that I am using the brain, body, & spirit granted to me....
I am scared. I am hesitant. I am doubtful. I am fearful of this new path. But the more I think through it: it is good. I have a loving, encouraging, extremely helpful husband who supports me & loves me. I have strong, independent daughters who can already take care of themselves in so many ways.... I suppose this really is the better time in life to pursue such a life-altering choice. Not later...
New Month, New Ideas
So, it is a new month of this year & I've been listening to more books, spending more time with friends, keeping up with household tasks more to my liking, teaching my kiddos, & pursuing the possibility of my return to formal education. The current book that I am listening to (thanks to audible & my husband) is a compilation of peoples' journal & diary entries. One character in particular, Mina Hartka, actual writes that it's a good way to keep the mind sharp & the memory strong... as well as strengthen her writing skills. Its seems harmless enough & simple enough since all she does is report what happend in her day. It's a good way to finish the day & fill the downtimes in the evening. After all this resolve to start on a new day, I fell asleep before I entered a word. Thankfully, my hubby is not a morning person, so I can "catch up" on my new task till he wakes more calmly (our daughter just knocked, causing our dog to rapidly bark which jostled my husband straight up & out of a sound sleep).
My new task will be to simply record my/our goings on each day.
Yesterday, I had intended to attend my gym's 5:30AM class as I had on Tuesday, but failed to set my alarm the night before & was awakened as normal to the construction going on just outside our bedroom door around 7AM. The hubby & I showered (I forgot the towels), discussed our plans for the day while dressing, then greeted our girls. James was late & had to skip breakfast while I got the girls cereal, began washing dishes from the night before, & eating a banana. I continued to listen to my audio book while I tidied up. After a spat of disagreement, I got the girls in my car & went to the gym to take one of my favorite classes, a combination of yoga & Pilates they call Centergy. The girls stay in a daycare with other kids whose mom's are in the class or using the other equipment offered by the gym. It felt so good to stretch out after lifting weights earlier in the week. I followed up on proper form with the instructor & went to retrieve the girls. After another pleading to play a bit longer, I decided to run on the treadmill for 15min. before retrieving forgotten workout clothes for hubby. More resistance to leaving their playtime, we got the appropriate clothes (& I some Cheerios & almonds to stave off hunger) & drove to their Daddy's place of work & waited for 5 minutes till we realized that we had been waiting in the same parking lot @ different places. =)
Once back home, we made ham & cheese quesadillas for lunch, the girls snacking on applesauce with cinnamon first. I turned on the recording of the Olympics 2012 recap of Tuesday to see the Fabulous Five in each of their events & culminate in their winning the Gold as a team! Such a thrilling thing to see people at their best physicality, working together, & being rewarded before all. Both girls helped in spreading the cheeses for their quesadillas & I allowed them to eat on their new little Costco table in the living room to watch the Olympics with me. My oldest finished all her food, while I worked on my half burnt one, & the youngest played with hers. After ultimately dropping the slices I cut to make it easier for her, my youngest gave up & I bagged them for later. I had just decided that a nap was needed for attitudes & sanity's sake when their was a knock on the door. The girls' friend wanted to know if they could come out to play since they had been locked out of their house temporarily. I allowed my youngest out & explained that the older sister was in time out. With instructions that their mom needed to keep an out for my littlest was my only instruction, I returned to the couch with my oldest pouting on my lap. We watched Team USA receive their medals between Russia & China! USA women's gymnastics teams haven't won Gold since 1996 with the Fantastic Seven, including Kerri Strugg, the very team who secured my love for the Olympic games as a child! Not 10min. later, my neighbor-friend rang the doorbell & was holding my baby with a bloody knee & scratched forehead. Nothing big, but it gave me a chance to hear her plight of being locked out of her house while her night-shift-working hubby was sound asleep on the top floor of their 3-story town home. After an hour of fruitless attempts, she & her 3 kiddos were hot, tired, & just a hint of frustrated. My heart breaks at suffering of any kind and instantly responds especially if solutions or relief can be achieved immediately by myself. I got my girls down for naps & welcomed them inside. I got a sleeping spot prepared for her youngest, in our room. I restarted the Olympics recording for them while I got laundry started & we folded the first load together. I did dishes, turned over more laundry, & chatted off and on until our kiddos woke up & her husband finally woke up around 5ish. My hubby called to let me know he was off work & headed to his gym. I started to prepare dinner while my girls watched MouseTrap. After getting out all the ingredients for green, chicken, Thai curry, I realized that I had no coconut milk & prepared spagetti with tomato sauce for the girls & I. My hubby had leftover spiced pork tenderloin & scalloped potatoes. We watched Covert Affairs & then got into a discussion about President Obama, Mitt Romney, & the upcoming election. I eventually lost my cool & said we needed to get the girls to bed. I sat on the couch to cool down while my husband tucked them in, prayed with them, & waited until I joined them. We exchanged our ritualistic "hugs & kisses" & settled down beside my littlest for a few tracks on their well-loved, over-used Loving Lullabies CD & my hubby with our oldest. We got up, said goodnights & returned downstairs to the couch to continue our political discussion after my apologies for loosing control. We got weary of the topic & made some nachos. Once the cheeses were melted, he took his share downstair to his office where we talked about workouts, sore muscles, bills, & his current hobby -Lord of the Rings Online game. I applied some cream medication to the dark skin spots on his chest & back, followed up with a massage of his tender & sore muscles. I rotated the last clean but damp load of laundry to the dryer & headed upstairs for bed. Once in my room, I settled down to listen once again to my audio book until I realized that an entire chapter had passed & I had fallen asleep. I put everything away & intentionally returned to sleep before my hubby also climbed into bed later.
My new task will be to simply record my/our goings on each day.
Yesterday, I had intended to attend my gym's 5:30AM class as I had on Tuesday, but failed to set my alarm the night before & was awakened as normal to the construction going on just outside our bedroom door around 7AM. The hubby & I showered (I forgot the towels), discussed our plans for the day while dressing, then greeted our girls. James was late & had to skip breakfast while I got the girls cereal, began washing dishes from the night before, & eating a banana. I continued to listen to my audio book while I tidied up. After a spat of disagreement, I got the girls in my car & went to the gym to take one of my favorite classes, a combination of yoga & Pilates they call Centergy. The girls stay in a daycare with other kids whose mom's are in the class or using the other equipment offered by the gym. It felt so good to stretch out after lifting weights earlier in the week. I followed up on proper form with the instructor & went to retrieve the girls. After another pleading to play a bit longer, I decided to run on the treadmill for 15min. before retrieving forgotten workout clothes for hubby. More resistance to leaving their playtime, we got the appropriate clothes (& I some Cheerios & almonds to stave off hunger) & drove to their Daddy's place of work & waited for 5 minutes till we realized that we had been waiting in the same parking lot @ different places. =)
Once back home, we made ham & cheese quesadillas for lunch, the girls snacking on applesauce with cinnamon first. I turned on the recording of the Olympics 2012 recap of Tuesday to see the Fabulous Five in each of their events & culminate in their winning the Gold as a team! Such a thrilling thing to see people at their best physicality, working together, & being rewarded before all. Both girls helped in spreading the cheeses for their quesadillas & I allowed them to eat on their new little Costco table in the living room to watch the Olympics with me. My oldest finished all her food, while I worked on my half burnt one, & the youngest played with hers. After ultimately dropping the slices I cut to make it easier for her, my youngest gave up & I bagged them for later. I had just decided that a nap was needed for attitudes & sanity's sake when their was a knock on the door. The girls' friend wanted to know if they could come out to play since they had been locked out of their house temporarily. I allowed my youngest out & explained that the older sister was in time out. With instructions that their mom needed to keep an out for my littlest was my only instruction, I returned to the couch with my oldest pouting on my lap. We watched Team USA receive their medals between Russia & China! USA women's gymnastics teams haven't won Gold since 1996 with the Fantastic Seven, including Kerri Strugg, the very team who secured my love for the Olympic games as a child! Not 10min. later, my neighbor-friend rang the doorbell & was holding my baby with a bloody knee & scratched forehead. Nothing big, but it gave me a chance to hear her plight of being locked out of her house while her night-shift-working hubby was sound asleep on the top floor of their 3-story town home. After an hour of fruitless attempts, she & her 3 kiddos were hot, tired, & just a hint of frustrated. My heart breaks at suffering of any kind and instantly responds especially if solutions or relief can be achieved immediately by myself. I got my girls down for naps & welcomed them inside. I got a sleeping spot prepared for her youngest, in our room. I restarted the Olympics recording for them while I got laundry started & we folded the first load together. I did dishes, turned over more laundry, & chatted off and on until our kiddos woke up & her husband finally woke up around 5ish. My hubby called to let me know he was off work & headed to his gym. I started to prepare dinner while my girls watched MouseTrap. After getting out all the ingredients for green, chicken, Thai curry, I realized that I had no coconut milk & prepared spagetti with tomato sauce for the girls & I. My hubby had leftover spiced pork tenderloin & scalloped potatoes. We watched Covert Affairs & then got into a discussion about President Obama, Mitt Romney, & the upcoming election. I eventually lost my cool & said we needed to get the girls to bed. I sat on the couch to cool down while my husband tucked them in, prayed with them, & waited until I joined them. We exchanged our ritualistic "hugs & kisses" & settled down beside my littlest for a few tracks on their well-loved, over-used Loving Lullabies CD & my hubby with our oldest. We got up, said goodnights & returned downstairs to the couch to continue our political discussion after my apologies for loosing control. We got weary of the topic & made some nachos. Once the cheeses were melted, he took his share downstair to his office where we talked about workouts, sore muscles, bills, & his current hobby -Lord of the Rings Online game. I applied some cream medication to the dark skin spots on his chest & back, followed up with a massage of his tender & sore muscles. I rotated the last clean but damp load of laundry to the dryer & headed upstairs for bed. Once in my room, I settled down to listen once again to my audio book until I realized that an entire chapter had passed & I had fallen asleep. I put everything away & intentionally returned to sleep before my hubby also climbed into bed later.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Working
During a family walk last night, my husband asked me if it bothered me at all that I didn't have any real "marketable skills." While, yes, I do have 2 degrees (AA & BA), my work history is small & limited. I really haven't shown any initiative or even interest in finding work... Lord forbidding, if I were suddenly left with 2 little girls to take care of on my own, I honestly have no "contingency plan" other than returning to family. While I know either side would be more than willing to help, at almost 30 yrs. of age & two degrees, I ought to be able to at least get something before our life-insurance would run out. I only ever had 3 ambitions in childhood: overseas missionary, wife&mother, & nursing. At this point, leaving the country on my own with 2 little girls is really rather foolish if not impossible. I would probably remarry but I can't count on that happening or wanting it to happen depending on the circumstances. And at this point, starting a very time-consuming, physically-demanding career is not what our family needs right now.
What I do need is something to jump-start my desire to learn again. While I love my family, I really get bored of only looking forward to learning about new ways to feed, clothe, wash, & entertain my children. SO much time really just becomes tedious & unproductively repetitious. "Why bother washing the clothes I just folded yesterday again today?" "I just emptied the dishwasher of these dishes this morning..." "What did I do today? oh, vacuum the same strip of carpet from 2 days ago." Don't get me wrong, I do my household duites, but I really have NOTHING new from day to day. I interact with the same 3 people from morning till bedtime, with the occasional neighbor or two. I work out regularly with no other reason than a few hours away from my kids & to "keep up" with my husband. I have no friends at church, no ministry to pour time or energy or imagination into. I read 2 monthly magazines & watch tv series with my hubby for entertainment. I have no outlet to sing, dance, create, or play music. I live for "Date Night" but never seem to have anything worthwhile to share or bring for conversation. I really have nothing to look forward to or to use my quickly "rusting" skills, abilities, & talents.
In short, I need to find work. It is good to work. Depending on what I find, I can meet new people, learn new skills, get better at skill I have, and be an overall productive, contributing member of this family. I might get to use my gifts & talents, but more importantly, I can actually interact with people of differing, conflicting, or no faith. I can learn to actually "be a friend" & "be Jesus Christ" to others through quality work, perseverance, godly behavior, willing attitude, etc. Times with family will be more valuable & (hopefully) better planned & utilized.
I hate being a sloth. And I came to the ugly realization that I have been one for a while now. :-p Hoping to change this in the next month or so (after family comes to visit & James' schedule isn't so brimming with trainings, conferences, & travel.) Prayers MUCH appreciated & needed!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Jesus Christ
Who is He?
He was a man born of a virgin 2000+ years ago in a little town of Bethlehem in Israel. He was raised by a carpenter & mother in Egypt until the Roman-appointed king of Israel, who wanted him dead, had died. He had half-siblings & grew up in a small town in Galilee called Nazareth. He & his parents observed Jewish traditions like circumcision & celebrating the Passover in Jerusalem. He was confident enough to remain in the temple without his parents & wise to actual teach the teachers there. Very little was recorded about his childhood, "coming of age", & young adulthood. Records of him really don't reveal much about him until his 30's when he began publicly preaching & claiming his deity. He never married or had children. His first recorded miracle was changing water into wine @ a wedding. Many of his family members didn't start to believe in him fully until well-into his ministry & after his death & resurrection. He was often found with the sick, broken, poor, or shunned people. He owned very little, stayed in other peoples' homes, ate the food meant for the poor or whatever was given to Him, & traveled a lot to teach, preach to, & heal hundreds & thousands of people. He made friends by asking them to help him with his teaching, preaching, & helping others. He constantly surprised them by doing supernatural & controversial things. He taught meekness, humility, end-times, peace, forgiveness, righteousness, holiness, purity, & love. He upset the "status quo", challenged, & even condemned the religious "experts" of Judaism to the point of their obsessive desire to kill him. He said he was God & God's Son. He deeply loved & appreciated those who understood who he was & had faith in Him. He showed deep compassion & forgiveness. He healed "lost causes" & raised people from the dead. He touched disgusting, dying, & "sinful" people. He made powerful, absolute claims & backed them with century-old prophecies, miracles, love, truth, & ultimate passion by dying a criminal death after an unfair & illegal trial for people who mocked, doubted, betrayed, hated, & didn't even know him... all because he loved his Father & loved the people He had created. Because it was the only way that would repair the broken relationship between God & people. The break caused by the sin chosen by people & the ultimate holiness of God.
He was a man born of a virgin 2000+ years ago in a little town of Bethlehem in Israel. He was raised by a carpenter & mother in Egypt until the Roman-appointed king of Israel, who wanted him dead, had died. He had half-siblings & grew up in a small town in Galilee called Nazareth. He & his parents observed Jewish traditions like circumcision & celebrating the Passover in Jerusalem. He was confident enough to remain in the temple without his parents & wise to actual teach the teachers there. Very little was recorded about his childhood, "coming of age", & young adulthood. Records of him really don't reveal much about him until his 30's when he began publicly preaching & claiming his deity. He never married or had children. His first recorded miracle was changing water into wine @ a wedding. Many of his family members didn't start to believe in him fully until well-into his ministry & after his death & resurrection. He was often found with the sick, broken, poor, or shunned people. He owned very little, stayed in other peoples' homes, ate the food meant for the poor or whatever was given to Him, & traveled a lot to teach, preach to, & heal hundreds & thousands of people. He made friends by asking them to help him with his teaching, preaching, & helping others. He constantly surprised them by doing supernatural & controversial things. He taught meekness, humility, end-times, peace, forgiveness, righteousness, holiness, purity, & love. He upset the "status quo", challenged, & even condemned the religious "experts" of Judaism to the point of their obsessive desire to kill him. He said he was God & God's Son. He deeply loved & appreciated those who understood who he was & had faith in Him. He showed deep compassion & forgiveness. He healed "lost causes" & raised people from the dead. He touched disgusting, dying, & "sinful" people. He made powerful, absolute claims & backed them with century-old prophecies, miracles, love, truth, & ultimate passion by dying a criminal death after an unfair & illegal trial for people who mocked, doubted, betrayed, hated, & didn't even know him... all because he loved his Father & loved the people He had created. Because it was the only way that would repair the broken relationship between God & people. The break caused by the sin chosen by people & the ultimate holiness of God.
Tired of who I am
I am so weary of myself. I am so blessed, it's becoming commonplace. I am so provided for that I'm forgetting to take care of the things I have. I get so much & have so many options that I whine & complain & make excuses CONSTANTLY about what I don't have, don't want to do, can't do, have to do, what my kids & husband do or don't do... I have become so "Americanized" it makes me sick!
And I have no one to blame but myself. And I know it full well. On top of that I don't know how to get myself out of it.
Where do I start? I go to church & I even filled out their volunteer form. I called them a week before that... I have neighbors who seem to have it so "figured out" that I think they'd just laugh at me trying to find ways to "help" them. :-p
I feel so lost & aimless in life right now. I have so much but for what? My own consumption? I can only consume so much & I still feel "empty." I read my Bible. I pray. I take care of my kids. I spend time with my husband. But why? The only things I "look forward to" are weekend outings, family gatherings... being around people. I miss having friends that tell me when to "shape up" but will still be my friend & love me for who I am. I miss having friends to be silly & girly with but to also share my questions & struggles with. I share with my husband... but it's not the same. Guys are wired to "fix" things... Women just need to process things & be... feminine?
I don't have a schedule to follow. I tried to make those... they fail & leave me frustrated. I try to have a "flow" but then I'm left "to my own devices" & my selfishness kicks in. ...and now I'm making excuses again. How does one "grow up"? By just doing it? No one to "punish" or "reward" me but me (or my husband.... which shouldn't be his job. How do you teach initiative to your kids, when you don't know how to get it yourself?
I need something in my life to move me. Truly, intrinsically, passionately move me. I need true LIFE.
"I am The Way, The Truth, The Life. No one comes to the Father but through me." ~Jesus Christ
...I guess that's as good a place to start as any?
And I have no one to blame but myself. And I know it full well. On top of that I don't know how to get myself out of it.
Where do I start? I go to church & I even filled out their volunteer form. I called them a week before that... I have neighbors who seem to have it so "figured out" that I think they'd just laugh at me trying to find ways to "help" them. :-p
I feel so lost & aimless in life right now. I have so much but for what? My own consumption? I can only consume so much & I still feel "empty." I read my Bible. I pray. I take care of my kids. I spend time with my husband. But why? The only things I "look forward to" are weekend outings, family gatherings... being around people. I miss having friends that tell me when to "shape up" but will still be my friend & love me for who I am. I miss having friends to be silly & girly with but to also share my questions & struggles with. I share with my husband... but it's not the same. Guys are wired to "fix" things... Women just need to process things & be... feminine?
I don't have a schedule to follow. I tried to make those... they fail & leave me frustrated. I try to have a "flow" but then I'm left "to my own devices" & my selfishness kicks in. ...and now I'm making excuses again. How does one "grow up"? By just doing it? No one to "punish" or "reward" me but me (or my husband.... which shouldn't be his job. How do you teach initiative to your kids, when you don't know how to get it yourself?
I need something in my life to move me. Truly, intrinsically, passionately move me. I need true LIFE.
"I am The Way, The Truth, The Life. No one comes to the Father but through me." ~Jesus Christ
...I guess that's as good a place to start as any?
Monday, June 4, 2012
Identified
"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules & working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law (wo)man" so that I could be God's (wo)man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it.
I identified myself completely with him.
Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me & gave Himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal & free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily." Galatians 2:19-21 The Message
Can I just start by saying this particular translation is so hard to ignore or forget because of it's clarity to the language of my time? moving on...
"Identified" with God has always been a beautiful, yet confusing mystery to me. I know that He knows my sins & strengths... but because I hold such a low opinion of myself, I don't bring my faults & weaknesses to the God who made & redeems me. I feel "to stupid" as Jo March in the classic Little Women refers to herself.
"...you are too busy. I am too stupid to learn." ~Jo March
"Prut! We will make the time, and we fail not to find the sense." F. Bhaer
It always seems to ease my conscience when I just say "I'm not good at such-&-such. Or this-&-that are not my strengths." But this response is becoming more & more like an excuse... and a pathetic one at that. It was Jo's answer many a time but the right person finally brought her out of herself & challenged her to pursue things above herself -to be "good."
I know that I have the right husband & the right God, it's all me that does the disqualifying & the devil exaggerates.
I identified myself completely with him.
Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me & gave Himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal & free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily." Galatians 2:19-21 The Message
Can I just start by saying this particular translation is so hard to ignore or forget because of it's clarity to the language of my time? moving on...
"Identified" with God has always been a beautiful, yet confusing mystery to me. I know that He knows my sins & strengths... but because I hold such a low opinion of myself, I don't bring my faults & weaknesses to the God who made & redeems me. I feel "to stupid" as Jo March in the classic Little Women refers to herself.
"...you are too busy. I am too stupid to learn." ~Jo March
"Prut! We will make the time, and we fail not to find the sense." F. Bhaer
It always seems to ease my conscience when I just say "I'm not good at such-&-such. Or this-&-that are not my strengths." But this response is becoming more & more like an excuse... and a pathetic one at that. It was Jo's answer many a time but the right person finally brought her out of herself & challenged her to pursue things above herself -to be "good."
I know that I have the right husband & the right God, it's all me that does the disqualifying & the devil exaggerates.
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