My deceitful and wicked heart

I am human.
Yes, I already knew this fact and claim no deity-like powers. I was recently faced with my own weakness and wickedness. The crazy part is that I'm still here. Still married. Still a mother. God is still in control, is still the holy and righteous judge, and is still crazily and insanely IN LOVE with me!?!? As He promised: what you reap you shall sow -but I still have my life and my precious salvation in Christ. Now I just silently scream at myself: Why the HECK did you have to go and "sin all the more that grace may abound"?!?!
I desperately need Him in my life! I desperately need Him day by day. Clichéd as it may sound: moment by moment. Or in this case, choice by choice.
I look back and see where the root of my failings occurred. I gave into the lie that God doesn't want me to be fully satisfied or even happy, which of course, is my complete and total "right." I wasn't getting what I thought I deserved or needed and so I justified my choices to succumb to self-gratification and selfishness.
...my heart truly IS deceitful and desperately wicked above all things... who indeed can heal it? (italics added)

I am in my Lord's debt for His forgiveness yes, but even moreso for His tender-loving, everlasting love. Right now I have to figure out how to forgive myself for my sinful decisions. I know, strangely enough, that Christ is able to and will help me with that process, too. He somehow takes my sins upon Himself, suffers MY punishment, and gives me HIS clean robes and perfection in the sight of His Father.  Praise and honor and glory all to Him!