My deceitful and wicked heart

I am human.
Yes, I already knew this fact and claim no deity-like powers. I was recently faced with my own weakness and wickedness. The crazy part is that I'm still here. Still married. Still a mother. God is still in control, is still the holy and righteous judge, and is still crazily and insanely IN LOVE with me!?!? As He promised: what you reap you shall sow -but I still have my life and my precious salvation in Christ. Now I just silently scream at myself: Why the HECK did you have to go and "sin all the more that grace may abound"?!?!
I desperately need Him in my life! I desperately need Him day by day. Clichéd as it may sound: moment by moment. Or in this case, choice by choice.
I look back and see where the root of my failings occurred. I gave into the lie that God doesn't want me to be fully satisfied or even happy, which of course, is my complete and total "right." I wasn't getting what I thought I deserved or needed and so I justified my choices to succumb to self-gratification and selfishness.
...my heart truly IS deceitful and desperately wicked above all things... who indeed can heal it? (italics added)

I am in my Lord's debt for His forgiveness yes, but even moreso for His tender-loving, everlasting love. Right now I have to figure out how to forgive myself for my sinful decisions. I know, strangely enough, that Christ is able to and will help me with that process, too. He somehow takes my sins upon Himself, suffers MY punishment, and gives me HIS clean robes and perfection in the sight of His Father.  Praise and honor and glory all to Him!

Life

"Life isn't fair" I've told myself this many times... I suppose it was my attempt to cauterize my bleeding pride and "American" sense of "rights" when denied or stripped of something I wanted, expected, or even needed. 

I have to wonder if my meter of "fair" is based on all the blessings that I have already received up to a certain point. little or abundant, I have been given enough -including my very life- to be grateful for... and that's just for starters. I live in a place and time where I can choose to put myself "out-of-my-comfort-zone." I live in place where I truly can replace all the physical necessities of life and there are always people to meet and things to learn. 

Some times I just need to be reminded of these facts... especially when self-pity or petty irritations threaten my attitude and interactions with other people or my even my relationship with God.

Self-Discipline

This word frustrates and agitates me. I want so much to believe that I have it, until I realize one day that I just don't. If I could have this one characteristic mastered, I truly believe that so much of my life would make more sense, be more productive, and be overall more peaceful. I guess I figure that if I understood and practiced self-discipline that I would be able practice my priorities so regularly that they would truly define me, not be words I like to mentally "hold to."
I have lost count the amount of times that I have thought these very thoughts (sometimes multiple times a day):
"If only I would get to bed earlier..."
"If only I remembered to pray as soon as my eyes opened..."
"If only I could keep on a set reading schedule of the Bible..."
"If I could only figure out a meal plan that I could stick to for the rest of our lives..."
"I need to have set days for chores like laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and all those chores I hate..."
"I need to create a curriculum for the girls..."
"I haven't done a blog entry in 2 weeks!!!"
"I need to pray about this..." (and then I get distracted)
"I've got to time myself on ______ (Facebook/Twitter/Blogs/iPhone)..."
"I wish I could have 'grocery days', 'craft days', 'cooking days', etc...."
"I shouldn't watch so much tv or so many movies..."
"If only I would keep up my walking with the girls every morning..."


"If I was only self-disciplined enough, I would have time for: ___________!"

Perhaps it's been short-circuited from all of our moving and current lack of steady work and house... but I only believe that that reality can only be taken so far. According to Scripture, I HAVE already been given all that I need for godliness and righteous living. (Not sure where I gathered that thought just yet...) Could it be that I am falsely assuming that a self-disciplined life is synonymous with righteous living? I don't think so.... after all, Proverbs has nothing good to say about the slothful, lazy, or wasteful person. 

I don't think I am ALWAYS a lazy person, not slothful, and definitely not intentionally wasteful... but still I look around every home that I have ever lived in and I always seem to reach this point of utter chaos and mess topped with an attitude of defeat and apathy. :-p My conclusion: I have no self-discipline.

Would a truly self-disciplined person ever reach the point of apathy?
Would a truly self-disciplined person complain as much as me?
Would a truly self-disciplined person constantly battle thoughts of failure and inadequacy?
Would a true follower of Christ be as undisciplined as me?

These are my musings, not necessarily my convictions... though it is what I am currently struggling with. I welcome your thoughts and prayers...

A Repeat Visit in an Unexpected Place

Death has visited part of my family yet again. In 6 months, my beloved Auntie Leti passed away from malignant breast cancer. My amazing Grandpa Sammy passed away from prostate cancer. Aunti Leti was just 2 months shy of her 50th birthday and 5 month short of her youngest son's high school graduation. Grandpa Sammy had celebrated his 85th birthday just 3 months before, but did not get the joy of seeing any of his grandchildren actually get married. He had always talked about throwing a "big wedding" for my husband and I, and how he wanted to "get the officer's club for the reception."  I love and miss them both so much.
This time it was someone whom we hadn't even met. It was almost like having a miscarriage. My mother and father-in-law were adopting their 12th child from China. They had named her and and just received the travel dates to China, when the call came this morning. Josie had passed away. My heart about stopped when my sister read the post made by my sister-in-law. The adoption agency they were going through had called with the news and the promise to look more into what happened.

How many times, God?!

They hadn't even met her! They didn't even get to say "hello" and now they have to say "goodbye" to a girl who had an entire (big) family ready to love and provide for her every need. They only had a few pictures of her... That's why I compare this loss to a miscarriage. You only have a few ultrasound pictures to grow attached to, and while you don't feel the child growing within you, you've experienced the daydreams of holding her; the pains of financial sacrifice, pages of paperwork, countless phone calls and appointments, etc. You've prepped your children and dreamed with your spouse... you've purchased clothes and toys, and shared your hopes and dreams with family and friends...


Another friend of my is suffering from loss and pain, too. After getting engaged and picking a wedding date for this year, she ended her 6 year relationship with her fiancée. While I only know the pain of a partial breakup that only lasted 2 months after less than a year of courting, I still vividly remember the suffocating pain of not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to leave the house or take care of myself, much less continue on with classes and schoolwork. I think the only thing I really looked forward to (and that was just barely "looking forward to") was my custodial job in the evenings. I sang my broken heart out like I never have before (past and present) while cleaning empty bathrooms and classrooms. Prayer-filled, inspired songs to God poured out of my lips and helped to numb my pain. I weakly avoided even my roommate, housemates, friends, and family. Thinking was dangerous territory because I would easily fall into deep, immobilizing sadness. The thing my friend and I did/do have in common is the power of God in our lives. We both wanted God's will and direction in our lives. We both could go to God with our hurts and expectations, our disappointments and fears. She fears her ex-fiancées' mental state and reaction to her choice to end the relationship altogether. And simply forgetting or erasing the time spent with that person isn't necessarily wanted to be forgotten. There are reasons why were were in the relationships were in existence in the first place. I feel for her as she voices her frustrations of the lack of practical, realistic advice and direction in approaching dating, relationships, engagement, and marriage when she got in the relationship in the first place. It's probably one of the reasons why I have such a high opinion of Authentic Beauty and want to do one in whatever church we end up in as a family.

Well, I think I've dwelt on enough loss and sadness in this post, but I will close with the promise that God is still in control and that we will see those who have gone on "home" before we have. May God grant us who remain here on earth the grace to continue on in ways that bring Him glory.

Packing

I HATE it. As much as I love organizing and making things fit, packing makes me stressed and agitated like very few things in this world. Even after I do pack in a timely manner, I have terrible flashbacks (visible and emotional) of the end of my first semester in college:
I had been packing all week long, but the pathetic reality was that I completely and totally underestimated the sheer amount of stuff I had acquired in just 2 semesters! Now there weren't any charges for check-in luggage yet, but even still, I was only allowed 2 check-ins. It was literally 2 in the morning when I had the first nervous breakdown of my life. My stuff was half packed and half in piles waiting to be packed... and I had to catch a flight to Hawaii @ 8AM! (being there 2 hours ahead WAS in effect as 9/11 had only occurred 2 years before. In absolute and humiliating desperation, I called my mom (~midnight their time) weeping about not getting it to all fit and not having a clue what to do with all my JUNK! In the end, my beloved roommate agreed to pack the remaining items into a box that she would mail to me in Hawaii. =( My roommate had to finish packing for me! Talk about being incompetent and humbled!

I've since learned to let go of things that I don't need and what my necessities truly are. I've learned that, yes, I AM a "pack-rat" to a certain extent. I've learned to keep a few key things in my purse or carry-on that I'd really rather not go digging for later. I've learned that no matter how neat you fold or lay clothes, they will get wrinkled and smashed -oh an recently: alway, ALWAYS put liquids, gels, and even facial scrubs into a new ziplock bag -especially in your check-ins. For short trips with the kids, put all their "sets" of clothes/diapers in individual ziplock bags. It helps to keep from over or under packing. Truly be brutally honest about how much you NEED to bring... especially in the area of shoes and jackets.

As far as this upcoming trip, I have to figure out what/how to get all the extra gifts and toys that we acquired back with us, if possible. I suppose it will help that the girls have both grown out of some of the clothes we originally came with... but eventually I want to bring those back, too, just in case we have another girl OR my mother-in-law would like them for their newest daughter.

I KNOW that it must be done. I've tried to break it down each day so that I'm not left with the horrible, naive-college-girl experience all over again. In fact, the trip from CO to OR went really well and smooth. I didn't have everything in storage like I had hoped, but it was packed and ready for my in-laws to evacuate when they were ready to have their room back. I had even cleaned out and emptied our vehicle for others' use in our absence. The girls had their own manageable carry-ons, toys and snacks included. My necessities were packed and ready, book and gifts included. All of this with a day to spare and yet, I started to hyperventilate and get nauseated with the stress that I'd forgotten something or something horrible just HAD to happen. My husband and sister-in-law did their absolute best to reassure and calm me down that everything would be fine. Our move from OR to CO was still fresh in my memory... while most everything was packed, I'd again underestimated how much time it would take to clean a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment "by myself." Thankfully, we had such a loving, sacrificing church family that they took that burden upon themselves and cleaned the whole place - with their own cleaning supplies no less!  I just went back and added " " to the by myself part... at that point, I DID have the loving, patient support and help of my husband. Perhaps that makes a difference?

Well, now I'm faced with packing again, but this time I have a PRIZE waiting for me after all my trials! Not to mention that if I DO forget anything, it'll keep @ my family's until I can send for it. ;-)

Buildup and Sleeplessness

Okay, so I've had A LOT going on in my head the last week that I wanted to journal about, but never got around to writing out... unfortunately, some of it must have "spilled out" of my head and the rest of it is so compacted together that it may take a while to get it all out in a comprehensible way. It also doesn't help when the only reason I am able to write right now is that my kids are watching a tv show. :-/

You know God's teaching you something when a certain phrase keeps coming to your mind and finally the day comes when you realize that it's no longer a challenge AND you've got a completely different outlook. For instance, up until the last week or so, I've been struggling so hard with the concept of getting enough sleep -ever since I got pregnant: over 3 years ago. :-p  I've always "understood" the reasons for getting 8 hours of sleep and suffering the consequences of getting less than at least 6 hours at night. I guess I took it so literally that it was causing me to become bitter against my children, cross with those I lived with, and to live with a sort of "chip on my shoulder" against the world that I was not getting my "entitled" amount of sleep. Then I came across a passage while attempting to curb my anger/frustration attitude:

2 Corinthians 6: 1-10

And working together with Him, we also urge you not to receive the grace of God in vain - for He says, "At the Acceptable Time I listened to you, And on the Day of Salvation I helped you." Behold, now is "the Acceptable Time," behold, now is "the Day of Salvation" - giving no cause for offense in anything, so that the ministry will not be discredited, but in everything commending ourselves as servants of God, in much endurance, in afflictions, in hardships, in distresses, in beatings, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in hunger, in purity, in knowledge, in patience, in kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in genuine love, in the word of truth, in the power of God; by the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and the left, by glory and dishonor, by evil report and good report; regarded as deceivers and yet true; as unknown yet well-known, as dying yet behold, we live; as punished yet not put to death, as sorrowful yet always rejoicing, as poor yet making many rich, as having nothing yet possessing all things.

The fact that the Scriptures mentioned sleeplessness as something that we would have to endure was of GREAT encouragement and motivation for changing my attitude. ...the funniest outcome of this is that I've found myself waking up after only 6 hours of sleep, regardless of what time I went to bed or the amount of times the girls woke up in the night/morning. I'm fully rested (though I can sleep more if possible) and am completely accepting of the fact that I am "enduring sleeplessness" to the glory of God! My "calling" right now is to raise the children that He saw fit to bless me with, and with it comes the times of sleeplessness.  In fact, the verse later says to be "always rejoicing" knowing that we are being listened to and helped by God of grace. All praise be to Him! =)

A Test... a few tests

So I've learned to say that "I'm glad that emotions aren't everything." I'm being put to the test yet again to see if I will put my trust in the truth and hope of my Lord Jesus Christ, instead of my fears of insecurity, inadequacy, and the unknown.  Anger, sadness, hopelessness, pain, vengefulness, jealousy, frustration... even happiness and pleasure cannot be the driving force in my quest for truth, healing, peace, love, purity, joy and maturity. I guess this whole time away from my husband and role of "only" parent have forced me to put aside my reactive emotions and even the deep seated ones... Where they come in appropriately is now so confusing. I was beginning to just tell myself that they get in the way and shouldn't play a part in my parenting or marriage. I feel split right now. I want to divulge in my emotions and satiate them with my questions and accusations.... but then I despise how they momentarily control me -mostly through anger- and wound my children, my family, and ultimately myself. I don't know how to trust myself. I want to trust Christ, but I find it very difficult to believe that I won't "take over" and "lash out." I've been slowly denying my flesh in some ways and fighting to place The Word and Christ in it's void. It's been such an uphill battle. Just when I think I've given over a weakness of mine, something/someone triggers my emotions like a knee-jerk or a backhanded slap across the face. I catch myself better now, but I'm still finding that I indulge in the emotion (negatively). I give in to laziness. I give in to apathy. I give in to anger. I give in to my "self." Lord? Is there anyway out of this vicious cycle? Am I actually getting anywhere in my relationship with You or anyone else? My brother is coming to me for advice and I keep thinking that I have something to offer all the single women here, but am I just being completely presumptuous and "full of my own understanding and self"? Can I actually completely die to myself this side of heaven?