Monday, July 29, 2013

My 30's Project

I already mentioned it on my Tumblr account & created a board on Pinterest, but figured I'd put the thoughts & "background" behind my choices. Not to mention I still need to find pictures & or create pictures of my goals/hopes/dreams for the upcoming decade of my life.
Here are a few of the ideas I've mustered up already (in no particular order, i just wanted to know how many I'd come up with so far) :
1.Write & have a children's book illustrated & published
2.Record my own music album
3.Study to become a physical therapist
4.Visit &, if possible, do missions work in Venezuela with my Dad
5.Learn to paint enough to paint (& consequently visit) the Eiffel Tower
6.Travel Venice, Italy, by gondola, both by day & by night
7.Live outside of the USA for more than a year
8.Be in Japan for a Cherry Blossom Festival
9.See Victoria Falls
10.Have lunch at The Eagle & Child
11.Memorize the book of Philippians (and be able to recite it for my 40th birthday)
12.Mentor someone
13.Able to name 3 of my children's closest friends
14.Go to the Caribbean with James
15.Take each of my children on their own "Mom & me" trip to the location of their choice for their 13th birthday
16.Make a Dasher Family Favorite Recipe book (with pictures)
17.Take my Mom & sister on a Mother-Daughter vacation
18.See Angel Falls with my Dad
19.Do a family missions trip with the Knapp & James Dasher family
20.Make a family heritage book of Knapps & Dashers
21.Make a family heritage books of Cabebes & Michaels
22.Keep a daily journal of praises & prayer request for 1 year
23.Make & start a Hope Chest for each of my children
24.Be more in love with James than ever before
25.Record a music album with James

I know I'm only 5 away from 30 & I'll be the first to admit that I might have sat here longer than I expected & thought some (okay a lot) of these out but I honestly can't think of any more & still have work to do before turning in for the night. (It's getting very close to my bedtime.)

Closure to last post

I promised to revisit my last post. Just reading it made me realize how depressing I can get sometimes. I think I put such postings silently wishing someone would happen upon it & tell me something nice about myself but looking back now, I think I need to keep such entries to my personal journal & in my prayers with the Lord. Though the message I did learn about True Love was a good one, I think.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Thoughts on love

I've have the head knowledge that this culture has love all twisted & wrong for quite some time. I've also had the head knowledge of what the Bible says about love. Some how, for longer than I think I've realized, in my effort to not conform to the world's definition & understanding of love, I've closed out exploring & opening myself to truly understand & know biblical, godly love = True Love.

Perhaps its from my few years of being a wife & mother... but it's almost like my heart & soul knew what it consisted of & looked like but my head tends to be the "boss" when it comes to my day-in-day-out thoughts. This morning, for probably Spirit reasons, the realities in my heart touched upon my analytical mind.

Love is the day-in-day-out, laying-down, giving up, and getting-out-of-my-own-way for others.  

I may be married to that person, I may be their mother, I may be their daughter by blood or marriage, I may be their neighbor across the street or across an ocean. I may not know them or I may see them every week. I may know their "story", go to church with them, or work with them....

If that is what true love is (or at least part of it), then I am quite guilty of simply loving those who love me back or those with whom I feel can or would return the sacrifice that it is....  but love is not just a feeling or a favor. It is so simple, yet deep that it seems as thought it is very complicated.

I have somehow numbed myself to seeing people the way God sees them... I made Jesus an abstract theology that I cling too... rather than get into the complicated, messiness that most of my relationship seem to turn out as. I've burned so many friendships by simply giving up or not knowing how to continue them. I've isolated & confused others who wanted to be my friends.  I also tend to make the people I really truly LIKE the "dumping grounds" for my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, mistakes, & questions... almost like I'm seeing if they actually want to stick around if they knew what I thought & how I behave.
Realizing that all my faith is based on a real, living person? It scares me. I so badly don't want to "screw it up" or "let Him down" or ...or... the worst thing I've done in so many of my other relationships: disappoint. :-( I guess I've always secretly believed that my parents are disappointed in my life choices after college -namely my marriage. I believe that my in-laws are disappointed that I turned out to be an ungrateful, spiteful, messy, overly emotional, & naive girl (instead of the asset that their son married "up"to in the beginning). I believe that my childhood friends & church family & extended family are completely disappointed in me not returning to Hawaii or obeying my parents wishes or fulfilling my family's expectations in ministry & back to my continually sacrificing parents. I believe my siblings -especially my brothers- are disappointed in me. I've let down so many of my college friends that none of them have tried to continue what friendships I thought we had... I can actually remember almost every time that I have let down or disappointed someone & the feeling of complete & total feeling of being a failure. As much as I want to impress people & be seen as a success or as a loving, caring, hard-worker... my biggest goal in life seems to be to NOT disappoint people -especially the ones I truly love & want to be loved by. :-(
I absolutely HATE the drop in my stomach, the sadness in their eyes, the feeling of throwing up, the pinched lips or sighs on their mouths.... and ultimately the thoughts & feelings I assume must be going on inside their hearts & minds. I can almost hear them saying "I can't believe she just did that!", "Guess I can't rely on her anymore", "If she can't be trusted to do this, then I can't trust her in __ either", "What a let down she is!", "What good is she if she can't follow through in this?" ...seriously. I have these thoughts everywhere I go, with every single person I come in contact with... perhaps I am an introvert simply because I don't want to see how many people I could possibly let down & disappoint. perhaps I even hate social media because it reminds me of the sheer number of "friends" I've let down over the years & disappointed more than once.

I feel so trapped by these thoughts. I feel dead-ended & most of it is my own doings... which deepens the offense of disappointment: in myself. And the one person everyone keeps telling me that can get me out of it is still another person. another relationship with the even larger potential for being a disappointment & "let down"... wow, this post just took a different turn than I was expecting... and I have to go.  I promise to revisit it later.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.
2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends.
4. reliable, trusted, or believed.
5. adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.

In beginning this search, I start with the dictionary definition. My assumption & initial understanding of "faithful" largely being understood as the first 4 definitions -all actions or outcomes of behavior, choices, & circumstances. It was the last one that really caught me off guard and while the definition calls it an adjective, the essence for me as a Christ-follower makes it more of a noun. I want to live by what is true -the ultimate standard; The Original child of God. I want my life to be an "accurate account" and faithful copy of Jesus Christ. Just typing that seems too lofty, to impossible, almost sacrilegious. It sends chills down my spine & makes all my hair stand on end. Me sinful, pathetic, wimpy me?! Be like the perfect, strong, powerful Jesus Christ of the Bible?! actually listed this at the very bottom of the page:
Biblical Definition (via
as a designation of Christians, means full of faith, trustful, and not simply trustworthy (Acts 10:45; 16:1; 2 Cor. 6:15; Col. 1:2; 1 Tim. 4:3, 12; 5:16; 6:2; Titus 1:6; Eph. 1:1; 1 Cor. 4:17, etc.). It is used also of God's word or covenant as true and to be trusted (Ps. 119:86, 138; Isa. 25:1; 1 Tim. 1:15; Rev. 21:5; 22:6, etc.).
Again, God's Word (Jesus Christ, the Living Word) is the essence of faithfulness & we are called to be likewise. That's really heavy.

I need to think through that a bit but I do want to put up 2 verses that keep coming back to me:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Galatians 6:9 

He that is faithful with little things is faithful with big things also. He that is not honest with little things is not honest with big things. Luke 16:10