Past meets present and the future winks

I just took a moment to browse the never published entries of this blog... from 2011, 7 years ago! Omgoodness! It was eye-opening, humbling, enlightening, and compassion-growing! My interactions with my family, my devotion to my husband (still irresistibly strong as ever, btw!), and my explosive emotions after heated topics with said husband.... whew! It’s surreal to say it’s been a dozen years of my life with him ...but to actually relive & flashback to times that were strongly imprinted with intense emotions/thoughts that left lasting impressions on who I was to become is sobering.  Then face who I am now... I venture to say that I am actually proud of who I’ve become after all this time. Not on my own or in my preferred methods or experiences, but the woman that I get to look at in the mirror and reflect upon after almost 35 years of existence is encouraging. I see a half bloomed flower bush with MANY more buds read to burst open and boldly bloom. I think the biggest reason that I can even comfortably make such statements is because my most constant & preferred method of viewing my life has been these things: the lense of Christ, His Scriptures, & the unwavering truths spoken through His people regardless of where in the world or whatever is in the path of the adventure of my life.

I’ve learned to only take stands with what is most important to Christ. To become an expert in Jesus and His voice. To filter everything -parenting, marriage, career, culture, character, preferences, mental state, emotions, friendship, family, relationships- through His Truth. To rest in Him. To wait actively when He says wait, meaning not apathetically, pitifully, mindlessly, or even with empty, “harmless” entertainment. To not just “count my days” to pass the time but to number them in such a way that produces something that brings Him glory & honor through my life.

I’ve also learned that feeling pain, loss, hurt, and all manor of the emotions that result because of sin (of others especially) MUST be allowed to be felt. ...and not for the juvenile understanding that one must learn compassion for the sake of others. No, sin is real and has real effects. To deny those effects only causes a blindness & unhealthy outcome likened to someone ignoring the loss of a limb.... death of some sort will result. Emotional, Spiritual, Mental... You actually have control over what to release to God and He only has the best in mind for us.

I’ve learned to speak up. This is saying a lot and my husband would be the first to admit this. Advocating ones self can actually be an act of obedience to Christ in some situtations. I’ve always tended towards the believe that “Silence at the right times can be a megaphone of statement & making a point” so that I don’t need to speak up. However, suffering as a result of “holding my tongue” has started to become quite the Teacher of when to actually speak up & what to say. This is still a strange sensation as I have always perceived myself like Moses -poor with words & not well spoken. To admit this weakness, then ask God to use me, only to find Him repeatatively placing me in situations in which I am the only one able to speak into a situation that MUST be spoken truth into or others will suffer.... I will still probably never see myself as a speaker, but I have aquired a confidence earned through testing & trials.

I have something to offer others! ...but only because I have put one-foot-in-front-of-the-other in obedience & duty to my LORD. I know His love goes deeper than I perceive. I know His forgiveness extends farther that I can reach. I know His peace penetrates more than that which can be seen or felt. I know His truth resounds in more dimensions than I can even experience. And because of all these knowns, I can have a hope that I can never be separated from!

I’ve learned that I am only thoughts away from being “wicked”, words away from being “foolish & rebellious”, and actions away from being “evil.” The test of that reality is ever present and easy to fail... along with a vicious foe who will capitalize the failures and turn the purpose of it (purification & sanctification) to something more easily swallowed but far deadlier (self-righteousness).

I can confidently say that I know the difference between real growth & wisdom versus the pseudo-twins of self-righteousness & self-abasement (false humility which is really pride). I know what the root of bitterness looks like and have a healthy fear of its growth into a tree. I know that hurt begets hurt but love breaks the cycle. I know that some give in to the wicked, sinful nature and that others embrace it wholeheartedly -but that neither are lost to Christ or His transformational character & essence. I have yet to see this last one directly, but I pray for it daily & completely believe that NOTHING is impossible with God! I also believe that He is a God of justice and that He will satisfy all injustices perfectly in His time and in a way that redeems all that want to & can be (when offered).

Loving Well

Written May 2018:

This hard, hard time we’ve been having, as I have come to learn -is the perfect breeding ground for God to teach me some pretty big lessons about myself. It’s humbling and a bit discouraging. For all my years with Him as my Lord, I feel like I haven’t made much progress in my sanctification of becoming more like my beloved Lord and Savior.  ...just been made more painfully aware of how pathetic I actually am. My pride has taken a new tactic in the last few years -introversion. I have become more foolish & petty, more guarded & jaded. I continued to be judgemental and proud. And as I titled this entry: quite the opposite of what I’ve been learning from Beth Moore’s “Loving Well” retreat booklet. I do live in fear -these days it’s mostly of rejection & misunderstanding. A fair amount of it could be credited to the failing & sins of my husband’s former company’s callousness in abandoning us here, but it’s not like God isn’t sort it out in His perfect timing & ways.... that’s never been called into question... just ungratefully accepted & filled with 4 months of emotional & mental turmoil.