Monday, August 1, 2011

Hanging in His balance

My life is in such a transitional time right now, it's hard to justify joining a women's Bible study or getting the girls involved in a program that requires more than a monthly commitment. The library reading times and programs fit the bill pretty well, but don't fill the relationship gap I feel now.
Our family is facing the growing possibility of a 12-18 month deployment next October. I am petrified. I knew it was a possibility, but when my inability to breath was followed by weeping after my husband left for his annual 2 week field training this weekend, I started to panic. We have no place to call “home” - no sense of normalcy, security, direction, or family purpose. We've been like leeches everywhere we've lived since we moved out of our duplex after the birth of our oldest child. The thought of then being alone with two preschoolers for a year or more was more than my brain wanted to comprehend. ...not that I wanted to be living off of yet another charitable, loving family/couple either.
My panic finally subsided when I realized that I would cross that bridge when it came and it was my job to get my eyes off of myself and back onto the current issues (my daughters) and more importantly on becoming more like Christ. He sacrificed His life WILLINGLY and His Father gave it back to Him eternal-fold. But here I am clutching “my life” with every ounce of will and felt control I had. It's a terrifying thought that if I keep insisting on continuing this control-maniac way, my life will eventually be taken from me -unfulfilled and self-centered; on the other hand, I can release all my fears and concerns, focusing soley on what else God wants from me in the moment that somehow, He will return it back somehow, someway, and apparently infinitely better than I could ever as or imagine.

Back in the habit?

So I've had a forced sabbatical from this blog the last month or so. I've either been busy being a mother or wife or simply had limited Internet access. Crazy thing though, God hasn't stopped talking and I don't want to forget those lessons... I thought of this blog when I realized that I'd forgotten one of the key ways I'd found to thrive as a person -walking. The church I've attended the last 2 Sundays truly has the Spirit of God residing there. The pastor preaches with no reservations, no pretty words, or presumption that he's above or even equal to what he's preaching. Last week I was challenged to truly repent in some way to Christ. I took the step to remove all the extra apps on my iPhone. I realized after talking with my husband, that I struggle with treating games and social media as a privilege. When I was growing up, movies and computer use were not regulated. They were our source of relaxation along with entertainment. When I returned home, I watched them use movies, TV, Internet, and video games as an escape from lives that they really weren't all that satisfied with. I was challenged to realize that once I became independent, that I decided that part of being an adult was to indulge or just normalize the constant use of such things. In recent years, I'd turned it into procrastination and eventually evasion of all responsibilities till the last minute. I was keeping up with all the people that I wanted to, but was barely interacting with the people who were physically in my day-to-day life. I invested hundreds of hours following deals and status' of people I had no on-going reciprocal relationships with -no one that I could feel comfortable just calling up when I had needs or just wanted a friend to hang out with.
So I gave up mobile social media for a while. It's now back on my phone, but now I am actually Aware of my lack of discipline and weaknesses. It's humbling and frustrating, but emancipating, too, knowing that I can so easily be sucked into sacrificing whole days worth of time to things like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And just to clarify, it's not that I don't still use them and use them quite often... it's that my weakness is to allow them to define and control me. I use them justify my lack of “being transformed into the image of Christ” and avoidance of being an “unashamed, approved workman rightly dividing the Word of Truth” or “seeking after wisdom like fine jewels or pure gold.” I allow them to fill the empty, boring, or simply slow parts of my day that used to be filled with the “still quite voice” of my Beloved, my Shepherd.
Now, more than ever before, is when I MUST seek to know what it means for God to be my Husband. Now, before my soul is too calloused or numb to care... or I find something more temporary but instantly gratifying... before my prayers become an abomination in God's ears and He is no longer my LORD. I think my new for of “dying to self” is to keep the social media and games on the phone, but exercise restraint, self-discipline, and sacrifice (shallow thought it may be right now, it's still quite real).