Monday, August 1, 2011

Hanging in His balance

My life is in such a transitional time right now, it's hard to justify joining a women's Bible study or getting the girls involved in a program that requires more than a monthly commitment. The library reading times and programs fit the bill pretty well, but don't fill the relationship gap I feel now.
Our family is facing the growing possibility of a 12-18 month deployment next October. I am petrified. I knew it was a possibility, but when my inability to breath was followed by weeping after my husband left for his annual 2 week field training this weekend, I started to panic. We have no place to call “home” - no sense of normalcy, security, direction, or family purpose. We've been like leeches everywhere we've lived since we moved out of our duplex after the birth of our oldest child. The thought of then being alone with two preschoolers for a year or more was more than my brain wanted to comprehend. ...not that I wanted to be living off of yet another charitable, loving family/couple either.
My panic finally subsided when I realized that I would cross that bridge when it came and it was my job to get my eyes off of myself and back onto the current issues (my daughters) and more importantly on becoming more like Christ. He sacrificed His life WILLINGLY and His Father gave it back to Him eternal-fold. But here I am clutching “my life” with every ounce of will and felt control I had. It's a terrifying thought that if I keep insisting on continuing this control-maniac way, my life will eventually be taken from me -unfulfilled and self-centered; on the other hand, I can release all my fears and concerns, focusing soley on what else God wants from me in the moment that somehow, He will return it back somehow, someway, and apparently infinitely better than I could ever as or imagine.

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