Saturday, June 25, 2011

My deceitful and wicked heart

I am human.
Yes, I already knew this fact and claim no deity-like powers. I was recently faced with my own weakness and wickedness. The crazy part is that I'm still here. Still married. Still a mother. God is still in control, is still the holy and righteous judge, and is still crazily and insanely IN LOVE with me!?!? As He promised: what you reap you shall sow -but I still have my life and my precious salvation in Christ. Now I just silently scream at myself: Why the HECK did you have to go and "sin all the more that grace may abound"?!?!
I desperately need Him in my life! I desperately need Him day by day. Clich├ęd as it may sound: moment by moment. Or in this case, choice by choice.
I look back and see where the root of my failings occurred. I gave into the lie that God doesn't want me to be fully satisfied or even happy, which of course, is my complete and total "right." I wasn't getting what I thought I deserved or needed and so I justified my choices to succumb to self-gratification and selfishness. heart truly IS deceitful and desperately wicked above all things... who indeed can heal it? (italics added)

I am in my Lord's debt for His forgiveness yes, but even moreso for His tender-loving, everlasting love. Right now I have to figure out how to forgive myself for my sinful decisions. I know, strangely enough, that Christ is able to and will help me with that process, too. He somehow takes my sins upon Himself, suffers MY punishment, and gives me HIS clean robes and perfection in the sight of His Father.  Praise and honor and glory all to Him!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


"Life isn't fair" I've told myself this many times... I suppose it was my attempt to cauterize my bleeding pride and "American" sense of "rights" when denied or stripped of something I wanted, expected, or even needed. 
I have to wonder if my meter of "fair" is based on all the blessings that I have already received up to a certain point. little or abundant, I have been given enough -including my very life- to be grateful for... and that's just for starters. I live in a place and time where I can choose to put myself "out-of-my-comfort-zone." I live in place where I truly can replace all the physical necessities of life and there are always people to meet and things to learn. 

Some times I just need to be reminded of these facts... especially when self-pity or petty irritations threaten my attitude and interactions with other people or my even my relationship with God.


This word frustrates and agitates me. I want so much to believe that I have it, until I realize one day that I just don't. If I could have this one characteristic mastered, I truly believe that so much of my life would make more sense, be more productive, and be overall more peaceful. I guess I figure that if I understood and practiced self-discipline that I would be able practice my priorities so regularly that they would truly define me, not be words I like to mentally "hold to."
I have lost count the amount of times that I have thought these very thoughts (sometimes multiple times a day):
"If only I would get to bed earlier..."
"If only I remembered to pray as soon as my eyes opened..."
"If only I could keep on a set reading schedule of the Bible..."
"If I could only figure out a meal plan that I could stick to for the rest of our lives..."
"I need to have set days for chores like laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and all those chores I hate..."
"I need to create a curriculum for the girls..."
"I haven't done a blog entry in 2 weeks!!!"
"I need to pray about this..." (and then I get distracted)
"I've got to time myself on ______ (Facebook/Twitter/Blogs/iPhone)..."
"I wish I could have 'grocery days', 'craft days', 'cooking days', etc...."
"I shouldn't watch so much tv or so many movies..."
"If only I would keep up my walking with the girls every morning..."

"If I was only self-disciplined enough, I would have time for: ___________!"

Perhaps it's been short-circuited from all of our moving and current lack of steady work and house... but I only believe that that reality can only be taken so far. According to Scripture, I HAVE already been given all that I need for godliness and righteous living. (Not sure where I gathered that thought just yet...) Could it be that I am falsely assuming that a self-disciplined life is synonymous with righteous living? I don't think so.... after all, Proverbs has nothing good to say about the slothful, lazy, or wasteful person. 

I don't think I am ALWAYS a lazy person, not slothful, and definitely not intentionally wasteful... but still I look around every home that I have ever lived in and I always seem to reach this point of utter chaos and mess topped with an attitude of defeat and apathy. :-p My conclusion: I have no self-discipline.

Would a truly self-disciplined person ever reach the point of apathy?
Would a truly self-disciplined person complain as much as me?
Would a truly self-disciplined person constantly battle thoughts of failure and inadequacy?
Would a true follower of Christ be as undisciplined as me?

These are my musings, not necessarily my convictions... though it is what I am currently struggling with. I welcome your thoughts and prayers...