I am 39 weeks pregnant with our first little BOY! Oh how time rolls by.....
It feels like a decade ago that I was begging & pleading with God to open our family to the possibility of adding another member to the family. Now we "own" our 1st home, have TWO german shepherds, & my sister has come to live with us indefinitely (to help with the other kiddos & be a companion for me), while we wait for the final word on my hubby's international job offer!
I suppose it could be said that life is VERY FULL right now... and yet, I am struggling with the anticipation of not being able to plan anything right now. Can't plan on moving because we don't know if he has the job yet. Can't plan much one-on-one time with the hubby because he's trying to get his guard requirements fulfilled before he will most likely be moving. Can't plan much with the girls because we don't know when (if?) we will be moving & because the new addition is due literally any day now.
So I wait. In discomfort but without consistency. In awareness but exhaustion (I awoke sometime around 3 or 4am & fruitlessly tried to fall back asleep & now it's 7). My brain is so scattered, I can't focus on a project long enough to follow through on finishing it. I'm hungry but nauseous. Thirsty but am weary of constantly visiting the bathroom & washing my hands every 30-45mins.
Therefore, I am trying something "new" - meditating on God. It's probably the biggest thing that has suffered since we began the home-buying process. Not that I haven't been praying. Not that I've forsaken my church family or doing my best to "train up my children in the way they should go." But in my personal relationship & love of the One that I use to call my First Love. I know that He's been with me the whole time... patiently waiting for me like I am waiting for my child to present himself to this world. He's felt as close & as far as I have with my unborn son -being closely held & nourished, loved & thought of, but not known or fully experienced for who he is yet. But I have already been born again into His family! Is it so easy to retreat back into the fetal stage of little to no active growing communication... and just take for granted His love, provision, & tender holding...
Perhaps that is just it: pregnant silence & growth is what I've needed these last few months (basically since the beginning of this year). I don't begrudge my son's lack of active communication with me -he's not ready yet, but I love him all the same. I am eagerly expecting his new level of interaction with me -literally itching for it- and perhaps I'm not as prepared as I think I should be, but all he'll truly need is my care & love & prayers. Just as I know Christ has & will continue to care for my needs, pray on my behalf, & lavishly love me, I will continue to grow & open up to Him. My son won't come out feeling guilty for not speaking to me for 9 months. I won't punish him for jabbing at me or "ignoring" me for 9 months either. At his birth, we will simply love & want each other. He will still need me like I will need Jesus.
My biggest question, even before we got pregnant again, has been: am I equipped to raise a son? Somehow I already know & understand that the process of parenting a son is going to be very different & even more life-changing for me than it ever has been or will be with girls. The next question being: is my husband ready & equipped to raise a son? For the first time in a very long time, I feel like the two of us are very possibly on the same level or "page" spiritually... still working on communicating it to each other & growing together, but now we're not so awkwardly different or coming from such differing theological or psychological perspectives as when we first met.
I've been humbled quite a bit & he's been intentionally challenged -and both of us have been stretched in enough similar circumstances though in different ways. But now I feel like with the coming of our son, there needs to be even more intentionality & vulnerability between us to take on this new challenge. It's not that we love our girls any less, but differently. I understand how girls process information & grow physically & mentally. All I understand about boys is that they are different & that I've simply had to figure out how to be a girl around them... not how to help him develop or think, much less understand what is important for him to know & understand to be a healthy man of God. Even James is still figuring that out... I know how I want & expect myself & my daughters to be treated by boy/men. But I don't know or fully understand the "how's" or "why's" of instilling certain values/mindsets/perspectives/"understandings" to someone whose mind-wiring & genetic-building is completely different than mine. I never expected to "change" my husband, I just expected his father to have taught him how to treat his mother & sisters -and therefore, his wife & daughters. I don't want to emasculate or "baby" him past what is healthy but I don't want to cause him to fear women or even treat them like goddesses. I want him to respect them & protect them. To treat them like precious peers that are just as smart & capable as him. I want him to be observant & sensitive but not a pushover & whiny. I want him to be strong & confident but not arrogant or selfish. Capable & independent but not rude or self-absorbed.
Am I placing too much expectation on my son already? I suppose I didn't have to think all these things through for my girls because I just knew what traits I lacked, had strength in, & admired/aspired to in other women & have been parenting in such ways that I feel emphasize those expectations/values/perspectives/"understandings."
Other humans are finally stirring in the house, time to go. Until next time, and hopefully not so long from now! Aloha!