Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Tired of who I am

I am so weary of myself. I am so blessed, it's becoming commonplace. I am so provided for that I'm forgetting to take care of the things I have. I get so much & have so many options that I whine & complain & make excuses CONSTANTLY about what I don't have, don't want to do, can't do, have to do, what my kids & husband do or don't do... I have become so "Americanized" it makes me sick!

And I have no one to blame but myself. And I know it full well. On top of that I don't know how to get myself out of it.

Where do I start? I go to church & I even filled out their volunteer form. I called them a week before that... I have neighbors who seem to have it so "figured out" that I think they'd just laugh at me trying to find ways to "help" them. :-p

I feel so lost & aimless in life right now. I have so much but for what? My own consumption? I can only consume so much & I still feel "empty." I read my Bible. I pray. I take care of my kids. I spend time with my husband. But why? The only things I "look forward to" are weekend outings, family gatherings... being around people.  I miss having friends that tell me when to "shape up" but will still be my friend & love me for who I am. I miss having friends to be silly & girly with but to also share my questions & struggles with. I share with my husband... but it's not the same. Guys are wired to "fix" things... Women just need to process things & be... feminine?

I don't have a schedule to follow. I tried to make those... they fail & leave me frustrated. I try to have a "flow" but then I'm left "to my own devices" & my selfishness kicks in. ...and now I'm making excuses again. How does one "grow up"? By just doing it? No one to "punish" or "reward" me but me (or my husband.... which shouldn't be his job. How do you teach initiative to your kids, when you don't know how to get it yourself?

I need something in my life to move me. Truly, intrinsically, passionately move me. I need true LIFE.

"I am The Way, The Truth, The Life. No one comes to the Father but through me." ~Jesus Christ

...I guess that's as good a place to start as any?

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