Friday, June 1, 2012

What I was...

Something changed. I keep looking at my wonderful life & how blessed I am... yet, I find myself yearning for the fullness of... of... of something that I felt back when I was sixteen to eighteen. My husband even commented about the things he knew I loved doing when he first met me.
I worked with children in almost every non-school related activity the entire time I was in high school & frequently into community college & occasionally during my time at university. I knew early on that my spiritual gifts included service & "administration." I will never forget the true, heart-brimming joy I had leading children to Christ! It was truly something supernatural that I didn't conjure up when I heard kids asking Jesus to forgive them & inviting Him to become their Savior & Lord. I love being able to beautify a person's day even if it just meant cleaning up part of their home, preparing & presenting them food, or singing a song or presenting a self-choreographed dance. I loved the emotions & release of love that came from rehearsing a song or dance & offering it up to Jesus Christ. When shared in public, I would pray that others would catch even just a glimpse of the glory & majesty of my Savior & Lord.

I am a proud momma. I love being a wife. but sometimes I wonder if these roles (not the people - it's not their fault) have the tendency to bring out the worst in me... :-( I scream, complain, whine, & get angry (& often times bitter) faster than in any other situation I find myself. I can see growth in those areas over the last 4 years of my oldest child's life... yet for all the teaching, training, planning, & sacrificing I've done, I feel like I've also lost a part of me that shouldn't have been lost... and I replaced it with excuses, "busy-ness", & overall selfishness.
Reaching out to a hurting and lost world doesn't get & shouldn't be put off simply because one of my kids woke up last night & kept me awake for an hour. Using the gifts my Lord gave me shouldn't & cannot wait till I have more "free time" or I find the "right ministry." I'm learning that my abilities & the things that give me the greatest, deepest fulfillment & right pleasure are not in the "showy", "noticeable" areas.  Visiting shut-ins & the elderly. Cleaning someone's home or a classroom. Making meals for people who need them. Printing, stapling, entering data, running errands, restocking.... stuff that keep other, more prominent people going & doing what needs to be done -casting vision, dreaming dreams, leading, & training. It's in my "blood" - physically (most of my mother's side of the family is in some form physical service, ie: handymen, caretaker, nurse, computer repair, office assistant, police, ect.) & spiritually (Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13) to practically & physically help/serve other people (not necessarily because "I love people" but because I find joy in the "doing" of the jobs that need to be done). My earthly father's side were mostly teachers or preachers, things I was trained to do from adolescence. It's been years since I've worked with any other kids but my own... perhaps it is time again. Being a part of something bigger than myself - of helping, serving... being the literal hands-and-feet of Jesus Christ in my present corner of the world.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. Romans 12:6-8

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