Friday, June 8, 2012


During a family walk last night, my husband asked me if it bothered me at all that I didn't have any real "marketable skills." While, yes, I do have 2 degrees (AA & BA), my work history is small & limited. I really haven't shown any initiative or even interest in finding work... Lord forbidding, if I were suddenly left with 2 little girls to take care of on my own, I honestly have no "contingency plan" other than returning to family. While I know either side would be more than willing to help, at almost 30 yrs. of age & two degrees, I ought to be able to at least get something before our life-insurance would run out.  I only ever had 3 ambitions in childhood: overseas missionary, wife&mother, & nursing. At this point, leaving the country on my own with 2 little girls is really rather foolish if not impossible. I would probably remarry but I can't count on that happening or wanting it to happen depending on the circumstances. And at this point, starting a very time-consuming, physically-demanding career is not what our family needs right now.  
What I do need is something to jump-start my desire to learn again. While I love my family, I really get bored of only looking forward to learning about new ways to feed, clothe, wash, & entertain my children. SO much time really just becomes tedious & unproductively repetitious. "Why bother washing the clothes  I just folded yesterday again today?" "I just emptied the dishwasher of these dishes this morning..." "What did I do today? oh, vacuum the same strip of carpet from 2 days ago." Don't get me wrong, I do my household duites, but I really have NOTHING new from day to day. I interact with the same 3 people from morning till bedtime, with the occasional neighbor or two. I work out regularly with no other reason than a few hours away from my kids & to "keep up" with my husband. I have no friends at church, no ministry to pour time or energy or imagination into. I read 2 monthly magazines & watch tv series with my hubby for entertainment. I have no outlet to sing, dance, create, or play music. I live for "Date Night" but never seem to have anything worthwhile to share or bring for conversation. I really have nothing to look forward to or to use my quickly "rusting" skills, abilities, & talents. 
In short, I need to find work. It is good to work. Depending on what I find, I can meet new people, learn new skills, get better at skill I have, and be an overall productive, contributing member of this family. I might get to use my gifts & talents, but more importantly, I can actually interact with people of differing, conflicting, or no faith.  I can learn to actually "be a friend" & "be Jesus Christ" to others through quality work, perseverance, godly behavior, willing attitude, etc.  Times with family will be more valuable & (hopefully) better planned & utilized. 
I hate being a sloth. And I came to the ugly realization that I have been one for a while now. :-p Hoping to change this in the next month or so (after family comes to visit & James' schedule isn't so brimming with trainings, conferences, & travel.) Prayers MUCH appreciated & needed! 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Jesus Christ

Who is He?

He was a man born of a virgin 2000+ years ago in a little town of Bethlehem in Israel.  He was raised by a carpenter & mother in Egypt until the Roman-appointed king of Israel, who wanted him dead, had died. He had half-siblings & grew up in a small town in Galilee called Nazareth. He & his parents observed Jewish traditions like circumcision & celebrating the Passover in Jerusalem. He was confident enough to remain in the temple without his parents & wise to actual teach the teachers there. Very little was recorded about his childhood, "coming of age", & young adulthood. Records of him really don't reveal much about him until his 30's when he began publicly preaching & claiming his deity. He never married or had children. His first recorded miracle was changing water into wine @ a wedding. Many of his family members didn't start to believe in him fully until well-into his ministry & after his death & resurrection. He was often found with the sick, broken, poor, or shunned people.  He owned very little, stayed in other peoples' homes, ate the food meant for the poor or whatever was given to Him, & traveled a lot to teach, preach to, & heal hundreds & thousands of people.  He made friends by asking them to help him with his teaching, preaching, & helping others. He constantly surprised them by doing supernatural & controversial things. He taught meekness, humility, end-times, peace, forgiveness, righteousness, holiness, purity, & love. He upset the "status quo", challenged, & even condemned the religious "experts" of Judaism to the point of their obsessive desire to kill him. He said he was God & God's Son. He deeply loved & appreciated those who understood who he was & had faith in Him. He showed deep compassion & forgiveness. He healed "lost causes" & raised people from the dead. He touched disgusting, dying, & "sinful" people. He made powerful, absolute claims & backed them with century-old prophecies, miracles, love, truth, & ultimate passion by dying a criminal death after an unfair & illegal trial for people who mocked, doubted, betrayed, hated, & didn't even know him... all because he loved his Father & loved the people He had created. Because it was the only way that would repair the broken relationship between God & people. The break caused by the sin chosen by people & the ultimate holiness of God.

Tired of who I am

I am so weary of myself. I am so blessed, it's becoming commonplace. I am so provided for that I'm forgetting to take care of the things I have. I get so much & have so many options that I whine & complain & make excuses CONSTANTLY about what I don't have, don't want to do, can't do, have to do, what my kids & husband do or don't do... I have become so "Americanized" it makes me sick!

And I have no one to blame but myself. And I know it full well. On top of that I don't know how to get myself out of it.

Where do I start? I go to church & I even filled out their volunteer form. I called them a week before that... I have neighbors who seem to have it so "figured out" that I think they'd just laugh at me trying to find ways to "help" them. :-p

I feel so lost & aimless in life right now. I have so much but for what? My own consumption? I can only consume so much & I still feel "empty." I read my Bible. I pray. I take care of my kids. I spend time with my husband. But why? The only things I "look forward to" are weekend outings, family gatherings... being around people.  I miss having friends that tell me when to "shape up" but will still be my friend & love me for who I am. I miss having friends to be silly & girly with but to also share my questions & struggles with. I share with my husband... but it's not the same. Guys are wired to "fix" things... Women just need to process things & be... feminine?

I don't have a schedule to follow. I tried to make those... they fail & leave me frustrated. I try to have a "flow" but then I'm left "to my own devices" & my selfishness kicks in. ...and now I'm making excuses again. How does one "grow up"? By just doing it? No one to "punish" or "reward" me but me (or my husband.... which shouldn't be his job. How do you teach initiative to your kids, when you don't know how to get it yourself?

I need something in my life to move me. Truly, intrinsically, passionately move me. I need true LIFE.

"I am The Way, The Truth, The Life. No one comes to the Father but through me." ~Jesus Christ

...I guess that's as good a place to start as any?

Monday, June 4, 2012


"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules & working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law (wo)man" so that I could be God's (wo)man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it.

I identified myself completely with him.

Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me & gave Himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal & free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily." Galatians 2:19-21 The Message

Can I just start by saying this particular translation is so hard to ignore or forget because of it's clarity to the language of my time? moving on...

"Identified" with God has always been a beautiful, yet confusing mystery to me. I know that He knows my sins & strengths... but because I hold such a low opinion of myself, I don't bring my faults & weaknesses to the God who made & redeems me. I feel "to stupid" as Jo March in the classic Little Women refers to herself.

" are too busy. I am too stupid to learn." ~Jo March

"Prut! We will make the time, and we fail not to find the sense." F. Bhaer

It always seems to ease my conscience when I just say "I'm not good at such-&-such. Or this-&-that are not my strengths." But this response is becoming more & more like an excuse... and a pathetic one at that. It was Jo's answer many a time but the right person finally brought her out of herself & challenged her to pursue things above herself -to be "good."
I know that I have the right husband & the right God, it's all me that does the disqualifying & the devil exaggerates. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

What I was...

Something changed. I keep looking at my wonderful life & how blessed I am... yet, I find myself yearning for the fullness of... of... of something that I felt back when I was sixteen to eighteen. My husband even commented about the things he knew I loved doing when he first met me.
I worked with children in almost every non-school related activity the entire time I was in high school & frequently into community college & occasionally during my time at university. I knew early on that my spiritual gifts included service & "administration." I will never forget the true, heart-brimming joy I had leading children to Christ! It was truly something supernatural that I didn't conjure up when I heard kids asking Jesus to forgive them & inviting Him to become their Savior & Lord. I love being able to beautify a person's day even if it just meant cleaning up part of their home, preparing & presenting them food, or singing a song or presenting a self-choreographed dance. I loved the emotions & release of love that came from rehearsing a song or dance & offering it up to Jesus Christ. When shared in public, I would pray that others would catch even just a glimpse of the glory & majesty of my Savior & Lord.

I am a proud momma. I love being a wife. but sometimes I wonder if these roles (not the people - it's not their fault) have the tendency to bring out the worst in me... :-( I scream, complain, whine, & get angry (& often times bitter) faster than in any other situation I find myself. I can see growth in those areas over the last 4 years of my oldest child's life... yet for all the teaching, training, planning, & sacrificing I've done, I feel like I've also lost a part of me that shouldn't have been lost... and I replaced it with excuses, "busy-ness", & overall selfishness.
Reaching out to a hurting and lost world doesn't get & shouldn't be put off simply because one of my kids woke up last night & kept me awake for an hour. Using the gifts my Lord gave me shouldn't & cannot wait till I have more "free time" or I find the "right ministry." I'm learning that my abilities & the things that give me the greatest, deepest fulfillment & right pleasure are not in the "showy", "noticeable" areas.  Visiting shut-ins & the elderly. Cleaning someone's home or a classroom. Making meals for people who need them. Printing, stapling, entering data, running errands, restocking.... stuff that keep other, more prominent people going & doing what needs to be done -casting vision, dreaming dreams, leading, & training. It's in my "blood" - physically (most of my mother's side of the family is in some form physical service, ie: handymen, caretaker, nurse, computer repair, office assistant, police, ect.) & spiritually (Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13) to practically & physically help/serve other people (not necessarily because "I love people" but because I find joy in the "doing" of the jobs that need to be done). My earthly father's side were mostly teachers or preachers, things I was trained to do from adolescence. It's been years since I've worked with any other kids but my own... perhaps it is time again. Being a part of something bigger than myself - of helping, serving... being the literal hands-and-feet of Jesus Christ in my present corner of the world.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. Romans 12:6-8