Thursday, August 2, 2012

New ideas, More questions

I am thinking that this diary entering might properly guilt me into better planning my days or at the very least cut-down on my more lazy moments.

As to my thoughts, right now I am wrestling through the idea of going back to school to get a Masters in Nursing. Despite having an AA & a BA, neither are very applicable in finding a job that would support me if -God forbid- something were to happen to my husband or his ability to provide for us. I think one of the biggest obstacles for me right now is the reality that pursuing more school now means not having more kids for quite a while. It saddens me. I want more kids. Not like my mother-in-law or sister-in-law... just one or two more. My heart just isn't ready to completely close that door. Even with an accelerated studies track, both girls will be well into elementary school by the time we could even "try" again. It wouldn't be right after the degree was achieved either -then there's the looking-for-an-actual job. Another aspect that I cringe at. Once the degree is in hand, the job secured -how in the world do you fit in the joy of pregnancy & enjoyment of infancy with all its beautiful, quickly passing milestones... milestones I wish I had been more available to enjoy in my last pregnancy... I want the freedom to be pregnant without having my mother or mother-in-law right at hand... In my mind, I suppose it's like the ultimate proof of motherhood & being a full-grown woman, to go through a pregnancy not feeling like I'm still just a child myself. But I know that it's exhausting. I know that it is taxing... I suppose that is why I want to have them now as I am younger/stronger & not as I am older in years.
Then I have the fear that I'm just not capable of rearing more than 2 kids right now... I question if I am adequately raising the ones I already have.  I want to "try" for a boy. I truly did like the round 4-some of my siblings & I as we were growing up. We are all 2-3 years apart...
Should I be pursuing the furthering of my own personal interests & showing my girls that I too can & need to learn? Should I be sacrificing myself to the commitment to rear & raise more God-fearing people for this world?
I suppose I have an answer in just asking that last question. Perhaps for now, the ones that I am blessed with need more focus & intentional training in the Lord, His word, & "the way in which they should go." Perhaps they can learn more from my sacrifice of a bigger family & dedication to the challenge of using & refining the blessings & giftings given to us from the Lord. Undoubtably, I have been given the heart of a nurse. The touch of a comforter. The tender spirit of one who feels & see the pain of others & longs to ease & end it. Despite it's difficulty & demanding schedule, I would probably find much joy & fulfillment in the occupation & career of a nurse.
This will be my resolve for now. I will be taking 2 or 3 classes to refresh my student-mind & re-open the education door to this new path & journey I thought I had given up before I graduated from college. It will be hard. It will be challenging. It will be intense & laden with many trials. It will include math. It will require much & probably not give return immediately. It will probably end up being like a child, requiring much sacrifice, personal "deaths", energy, time, & money. But I already know that it's result will be a lifetime of constant reward, knowing that I am using the brain, body, & spirit granted to me....
I am scared. I am hesitant. I am doubtful. I am fearful of this new path. But the more I think through it: it is good. I have a loving, encouraging, extremely helpful husband who supports me & loves me. I have strong, independent daughters who can already take care of themselves in so many ways.... I suppose this really is the better time in life to pursue such a life-altering choice. Not later...

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