Had a good conversation with J on his drive up to the cabin. He really just wants to spend time with God. He doesn't want to have an "agenda." He just realized that he hadn't been spending time with God, regularly or continually. I know how that feels, and yet my challenge is to make Him more important than anything else... to literally fight for why He is everything to me. In my mind and slowly in my heart, He is taking control, but my temper and cravings are my battles, no matter where I go.
I've started fasting today. I had breakfast, but stopped eating food after that. Since then I've had some juice. It's crazy! I'm realizing how much I use food to pass the time along. I eat with the girls, I eat their leftovers, and make food for others and snack on the broken off pieces or crumbs! Aaahh! I didn't realize how much food occupies how I order my day and move my thoughts along -or just plain stop them. My thoughts go idle when my mouth and tongue and stomach are working. While I claim to not be picky or "don't eat much", I'm realizing how much I snack throughout the day or use meal times to plan out what is going to happen next in the day.
If this is how I'm dealing with it all -food everywhere, preparing meals for my girls/family, electronics at my fingertips... I have no idea HOW J is going to handle 3 days of it! I have responsibilities. I have places to go, and things to fill the sound of my grumbling stomach. He has NO responsibilities. He is doing this of his own free will. Granted he does have the splendor of creation, the peace and quiet of nature (and lack of other people/places), but even that may not compete with a mind that is use to constant information, interaction, and busyness. He's at a COMPLETE STOP. He's not going to a conference. He's not meeting someone for a prayer meeting or Bible study. He's going to intentionally meet with the Creator of the Universe whom he's somewhat ignored for the last few months.
Lord God, please protect him! Anyone seeking you is promised to have trials, temptations, attacks, and supernatural challenges. PLEASE put a wall of protection about him as he seeks You. May he be leaning on You to lead the way and to protect him from the enemy's snares -especially the ones from within.
Most of all, Lord, please just answer his prayer to meet with You. Reveal Yourself to him in Your time and way, and may he recognize You and find You! Make me the mate he needs in this life! Mold me and direct my prayers and thoughts. Be my strength and wisdom as I raise these girls. I surrender their training and teaching to Your will and plan. I'm not doing so well on my own. I'm tired of resorting to screaming, yelling, threatening, and punishing... I don't know any other way though. Neither of the girls seem capable enough of remembering the lessons I tell them every day. I repeat myself as if I'm talking to dogs who are cute but really don't care or know how to process and keep the information that I'm giving them. *sigh* I am exhausted and out of "creative ideas" to get them to obey me and to love each other. Plus, I'm fighting my own battle of laziness, cockiness, self-righteousness, anger, apathy, unfaithfulness, and insensitivity. Please show me the battles that are ours, the girls, my husband's, and the family's. I want to hear from You again!
Love your fickle,