Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Test... a few tests

So I've learned to say that "I'm glad that emotions aren't everything." I'm being put to the test yet again to see if I will put my trust in the truth and hope of my Lord Jesus Christ, instead of my fears of insecurity, inadequacy, and the unknown.  Anger, sadness, hopelessness, pain, vengefulness, jealousy, frustration... even happiness and pleasure cannot be the driving force in my quest for truth, healing, peace, love, purity, joy and maturity. I guess this whole time away from my husband and role of "only" parent have forced me to put aside my reactive emotions and even the deep seated ones... Where they come in appropriately is now so confusing. I was beginning to just tell myself that they get in the way and shouldn't play a part in my parenting or marriage. I feel split right now. I want to divulge in my emotions and satiate them with my questions and accusations.... but then I despise how they momentarily control me -mostly through anger- and wound my children, my family, and ultimately myself. I don't know how to trust myself. I want to trust Christ, but I find it very difficult to believe that I won't "take over" and "lash out." I've been slowly denying my flesh in some ways and fighting to place The Word and Christ in it's void. It's been such an uphill battle. Just when I think I've given over a weakness of mine, something/someone triggers my emotions like a knee-jerk or a backhanded slap across the face. I catch myself better now, but I'm still finding that I indulge in the emotion (negatively). I give in to laziness. I give in to apathy. I give in to anger. I give in to my "self." Lord? Is there anyway out of this vicious cycle? Am I actually getting anywhere in my relationship with You or anyone else? My brother is coming to me for advice and I keep thinking that I have something to offer all the single women here, but am I just being completely presumptuous and "full of my own understanding and self"? Can I actually completely die to myself this side of heaven?

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