Tuesday, May 3, 2011

May Day

I missed the chance to post on "May Day" this past Sunday... it was a bit crazy. J and I decided that this separation time needs to be done and over with ASAP.  How that was going to come about was the root of the weekend craziness. I found that all tickets to the mainland were "decent" up-till the week of Mothers' Day (May 8-14).  I then realized that my sister's graduation from college happened to be that Friday (yes, the 13th). So, I proceeded to make it work where I could get to LAX and attended the graduation, and then continue on to DEN. Dozens of calls, complicated overnight stays, and mini discussions, I was unknowingly "riled up" and rather unnecessarily stressed out. Half way through the decision making process, we were also offered 2 buddy passes with Delta. I wanted to please everyone in some way -parents wanted me with them as long as possible, my sister wanted me to meet her friends, my husband wanted to pick us up from the airport... while everyone's desires were legitimate and understandable, the flights, transportation, and lodgings were not lining up. I finally agreed to a plan largely concocted by my father... which I thought would be "the end of it." Then my husband questioned my plans and I erupted. Literally. Like a volcano. Remember how I said I was "unknowingly riled up"... yeah. I messed up BIG TIME in my communication with him. :-(

In so many ways, it was the confirmation that the two of us apart any longer was NOT a good idea.  When he was at training, his mind was only on training. My mind was only on the girls and the family I've been living with. I call it my "survival mode." If I think too much about not being with J cripples me to immobilization. I can't process, can't make decisions, can't take care of myself, I barely take care of the girls, I cry, I sleep, I eat too much or too little.... so I adopt a "single-mom" mindset, with the hope that it is only temporary.
He on the other hand has almost too much time on his hands now. He's not directly providing for a family, though he IS very actively looking for a job. He doesn't need a babysitter to watch the girls or to even wait for me to "get ready" to go anywhere. He just goes. He does what I've been doing all this time and talks to his family about his thoughts and hopes and aspirations and disappointments. He probably tells them what his plans and hopes are before (if at all) sharing them with me.... it makes sense. they are THERE. they ARE his family after all.... but then he starts making decisions and opinions and choices based on such conversations and interactions (just like I have all this time) without me understanding where he's coming from (and vise versa).
I assume. He assumes. I don't trust he has our best interests and respond defensively, questioningly, and disrespectfully. He responds defensively, questioningly, and injured.

To bring this post to a close, it looks like I'll be flying (as directly as possible) to DEN on May 19th. =) He moved on in the relationship after I apologized and talking needed to resume for planning and children's sake. I don't deserve this man I call my husband. Without saying a word, I know that he's forgiven me. And I hope he believes me when I say that I've gotten better at controlling my temper and tongue... it just might show better when we're not thousands of miles and 4 hours apart. :-/

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